SIN
by Jelly Bean Jenna
Summary: "I've always been afraid of losing the people I love, but sometimes I wonder,... is there anyone afraid of losing me?" Sam has a strange affliction that holds him back, until he meets Andy, and things change when she touches him. Fate intervenes and tears them apart, leaving Andy scarred for life and Sam gone. Nom, for 2 Awards in the Rookie Choice Awards 2013, Best Angst/Overall
1. Chapter 1

**Summery; "I've always been afraid of losing the people I love, but sometimes I wonder,... is there anyone afraid of losing me?"**

**Sam has a strange affliction that holds him back, until he meets Andy, and things change when she touches him. Fate intervenes and tears them apart, leaving Andy scarred for life and Sam gone. **

**Disclaimer; Nope not mine! Only the storyline to this fic & all the mistakes belong to me. **

**A/N; This will be AU & possibly my longest fic yet, as the idea is really long, but it shouldn't be boring reading, so hope you'll enjoy! It will be rated M, just to be safe, and it will be mostly for language and mentions of violence. **

**Welcome back to my world!**

**I'm posting this before I finish This is Me, because I want to see how you feel about this idea, so hope you'll leave an awesome review when you're done reading. **

**As always, special thanks to the awesome regulars, Kelly2727, & Mahtra, you guys are the best in any fandom!**

**Prologue- Present Time. **

Memories spanning years flooded his mind, colorful images that gave away secrets, as he stared at the door, the white painted wood staring back in muted silence.

His hand moved up towards the wood, every intention of rapping lightly on it, until images of the same actions at a different time halted his hands movement, froze its forward journey in mid air.

A kaleidoscope of flashes plundered his mind, images starting with her smiling, flowing into one of her head softly thrown back as she let out an infectious laugh, while her hand whipped away a loose strand of hair from her face, as it billowed over her eyes from her carefree movement.

Soon they turned to angry images, a reel of fury speeding through his mind as the silent movie played on fast forward to the final images that led them to this moment in time.

Snaps of screaming, whispers of pleading, tear streaked cheeks.

Then nothing.

No images on play, just the wood of the door staring back at him.

His hand still suspended in mid air retracted, falling limply to his side as his feet shuffled around restlessly, his head bowed low in shame.

Or maybe in defeat.

Or maybe it was from the guilt that ran so deep it turned his dreams into nightmares and his demons into reality.

He wasn't even sure that she still lived here, he'd been gone so long that this was the only place he could think of finding her, besides showing up at work or just walking into the Penny.

He wasn't even sure how she would react to him being back, or if she would even be around to see that he had returned.

He didn't even know if she still shared the same workplace that he had, or if she still drank beers with her friends at the Penny, if she was even still carrying a badge or if she called Toronto home.

He knew a long time ago that leaving was a mistake, but not telling her the truth, that was just far beyond the realms of logic, or civilized behavior.

Over the years spanning the beginning of their...acquaintance, he knew that she was different, knew that there was more there than what should have been, but keeping her locked out when the warning bells sounded, that was just too easy to let slip past unnoticed.

The temptation to taste the forbidden fruit was at times so overwhelming that he had no choice other than to slam up the walls and run.

That worked so well, that the last time he ran, he knew it would become an unforgivable act.

Leaving her scarred like that, scarred him too.

Cut him so deep that he lost himself and everything that had ever defined him.

The day he walked away, he knew what he was leaving behind, he just never expected it to linger, never expected it to stay intact for half a decade, never thought it would stay as strong as it was the day he tried to sever all ties.

The only way he knew that she had survived was because he had seen her one night, months later.

Or rather heard her voice.

The cops had raided a club, standard search and seizure op downtown, confiscating contraband and searching for underage drinkers.

He was hiding in the shadows, hanging back to remain undetected, when her voice rang out yelling a stern "We've got a runner", before she went speeding past him after the moron that thought he would easily outrun her.

Her diversion aided his escape that night when all attention was focused on her, allowing him to slip out the unlocked fire door unnoticed.

The second he hit the fresh air outside, his chest slammed closed and he felt some unseen force steal away his breath while his heart imploded, before it just ceased to beat.

When he left, he left with unanswered questions.

He left not knowing if she would survive or if she had even survived long enough to make it to the hospital, a decision that gave him sleepless nights and nightmares that rendered him physically sick when he woke up.

Knowing that if he had backed away and left her alone, when he had been warned too, she would have remained unharmed, stayed safe.

But he couldn't stay away, couldn't give her up, until it nearly cost her, her life.

Even then, giving it up not knowing if she was still alive or not, rendered him nothing more than determined to finish it.

Finish what he had started.

Staring at the closed door, he still had unanswered questions, mostly pertaining to her and her life after he left.

Had it been kind to her? Had she stayed safe when he removed himself from the equation?

Shit, he even wondered if she was married and had kids, a career at Fifteen that evolved to the promotion that seemed to so appropriately fit her passion to succeed and her determination to stay passionate about helping others.

All the wrong things he had said and done suddenly poured through his soul, making him feel the familiar self hatred that had taken up a permanent residence in him.

All the missed opportunities he had been given to be honest, the moments he had been allowed to be truthful before she knew, before she figured it out, all wasted as they entangled themselves in the downward spiral that ended badly.

Even when she had confronted him about it, he backed away and shut her out, hoping to defuse the situation by denying it until she called him out on his crap moments before...

Shaking the crimson covered images from his mind, he forced it to clear itself of the torment that history had kept over him.

But he deserved it, every millisecond of torture, every ounce of pain.

Because that was all he felt.

Except her.

The memory of her hands on his in their first meeting fleeted to mind, making the tingling sensation he always felt return, his eyes dropping down to look at his hand before his fingers clenched and turned to a fist.

Before her, there were only memories of what things felt like, then when they met there were the occasional instances of actual feeling, then after her there was pain.

Nothing else.

But he forced it to stay, forced the affliction to remain behind as a reminder of what he had done.

His punishment.

It very well replaced another affliction, but that was one she had healed, one she had taken and turned into more, turned it into something other than a curse.

Now that it was finally over, that he was finally free, he was...

Was what?

Trying to make amends?

Seek her forgiveness?

Seeking to forgive himself?

He didn't even know what he was doing anymore, other than the fact that the temptation to find her, to see her and tell her that he was sorry was so overwhelming he couldn't fight it anymore.

He couldn't stay away, didn't want to stay away anymore.

Maybe he was seeking some kind of redemption.

Even though he didn't really expect to find her, the disappointment that reigned down on him now caused his determination to wither away and evaporate even before his hand had knocked.

Letting out a huffed sigh, his resignation evident on its monotonous tone, his hand again slithered up in one final attempt to set things right.

As the umpteen times before it, his knuckles paused just above the wood, his fear of the unknown suspending his attempt to follow through with the simple action of knocking.

Pinching his eyes closed, he found the willpower to follow through and let his hand gently graze over the surface as a soft echo filled the area surrounding him and the space on the other side of the door.

He waited without breath flowing through him, with his heart still until he heard the familiar sounds of the door being unlocked from the inside until it finally swung open and let the moment of truth swallow him whole.

As he lifted his head, his eyes opening to take a moment to focus, he set no limitations to himself or for the backlash of fury he may just find himself receiving.

When the blurry face cleared, and his brain allowed his body to function, he watched as the face before him came into view, a muffled gasp escaping its bearers lips as recognition seeped through them.

Numbness returned to him, every nerve ending that had been alight with anticipation extinguished as he was suddenly filled with more regret and remorse than he had ever experienced.


	2. The Past- In the Beginning

**A/N; This fic will only contain certain moments from the series, in my own way, up until a certain point, but if you're familiar with how I write, you'll know I write outside the box. I don't intend on re-writing the show, but rather intend on adding my own spice, while we patiently await Season 4. **

**A/N 2: It will also be AU & OOC, so if you don't like that kind of thing, don't read it. **

**As always, thanks for the awesome reviews & huge response! As well as the awesome support my readers have given me this week! You guys are the best!**

**Thanks as always to the regulars & Kelly2727, you guys make it worth writing!**

**The Past-**

**Chapter 1- In the beginning**

New rookies were always a pain in the ass, year after year of complete idiots attempting to make the streets more unsafe by joining the academy, getting a gun and badge and going out on patrol.

There were exceptions along the way, rookies that survived the academy and earned their place in the ranks of divisions scattered around Toronto, earned their gun and badge, but somehow he wasn't sure that she was going to be one of those rookies.

But then again, she had brought him to his knees when Oliver managed to let her slip out from under his eyesight, her first day on the job.

She was persistent and relentless in her pursuit, her voice strong and certain as it called out to him to stop.

But he could smell the rookie on her, the inexperience. Besides the fact that her long sleeve shirt gave away her rookie status.

When she sat over him, her knee correctly positioned in the middle of his back and tightened the cuffs, there was a brief moment where her skin seemed to set his on fire, leaving a trail of unfamiliar sensations all the way up his arm.

It was something he hadn't felt in a very long time, something he found himself unwillingly leaning into as the craving for more made him surrender and submit long enough to allow the fire to rage and spread over every inch of his skin.

It was there too when her hand pulled him by the arm to the squad car, his hair standing on end in a fit of goosebumps.

That was the beginning of the end, the first day they met.

He was shoved into the back of the squad car, and driven to Fifteen, Oliver's amused eyes dancing in the rear view mirror as he eyed him through the small piece of reflective glass, trying to keep his cover intact.

So far, so good, all the way to Fifteen, and through its doors his secret was kept just that, a secret.

Until one of his best friends let it slip that he was Undercover, and not actually the petty dealer he was posing as when she took him down.

He could see by the look on her face that in that instant she wished the world would open beneath her feet, and swallow her whole, but it was gone as soon as it appeared, only left to flicker through his memory.

After his initial explosion, mostly aimed at her, for having eight months of his life wasted by chasing a man he so desperately wanted to throw behind bars, to have it taken away by a pint sized brunette, he watched her with caution as she defied logic and retaliated with defiance, siting that a more experienced officer, such as a detective should know when to keep their mouth shut.

That intrigued him. Stupendously.

Very few people had the nerve or temperament to stand up to him, face him when he was wrapped up in a rage so furious, his eyes turned black. But she did, she stood up to him, defending herself when she knew she was right.

And she was.

He was wrong.

Watching her through Boyko's windows as he sat and listened to the course of actions now to be instated following the blown undercover operation, he couldn't help but notice the frightful look she had on her face as Oliver spoke to her while she sat doing a mountain of paperwork.

No doubt relating to his untimely return.

She seemed so determined minutes before when she faced him with self assurance, now...now she had the look of a fretful dear on her face.

"Swarek, did you hear a word I just said?". Boyko's voice drew his attention away from the window.

"Yeah Sir, I did. I just have nothing to say about it, because right now there is no other option".

Sam knew he was out of options right now, Guns and Gangs under investigation had ensured that no new positions would be filled until Internal Affairs had achieved their goal, so now there were two options- Extended leave of absence at home, or Patrol as a street cop in uniform.

Really great options.

"On the up side, you can take a TO position, for now, if the rookies hang around long enough". Boyko added, before looking through the windows out into the barn himself.

"This batch has a lot of potential, promising futures here, do not scare them off".

"Didn't say I was going to take the TO rotation Sir". Sam countered, not sure why he even said that.

"Swarek, I'm short on TO's, I need you to do this, I'll assign the one that lasts the longest to you permanently, as a partner until you can take a transfer to Guns and Gangs".

And who said bribery and corruption were only in cash forms in any police department?

"I want McNally". Sam said, turning to face Boyko with his arms crossing across his chest.

This was not a debatable topic.

"Sammy, I don't think that's a wise move, she just destroyed eight months of you getting closer to Hill, it's the longest any UC has survived working him".

"I want her Boyko, simple, or I'll take the patrol rotation without the TO status". Sam wasn't backing down, even though he had no idea why he was doing this, the worst possible career move in history, but his gut told him to, and he always followed his gut.

"Okay, six weeks. I will let you train her for six weeks, then I will review the situation, after that, there are no guarantees".

Sam nodded before leaving the room.

Making his way back to the locker room, Sam wasn't surprised to find Oliver waiting for him with an invitation for drinks at the Penny to relieve the tension that made itself know when it turned his face to its usual hard, stoic expression.

"She any good?". Sam asked walking up to Oliver who held the door open for him.

"One of the best this year, but she's got issues, and she's young and idealistic. But she has a whole lot of heart".

Drinks at the Penny was the usual welcome back routine, shots passed to Sam from Noelle, Jerry, Oliver and Frank, who all sat at their usual table in the far back corner, catching up.

The new rookies sat across the room, a blonde, a tall guy, a short guy, McNally, and another woman who seemed to be joined to her at the hip. Their bond was obviously built on strong ties, friendship extending past the ties that bound them through a badge.

Sam couldn't help but watch her, the carefree spirit she had drawing him in, pulling so hard he was contemplating giving up the fight against it.

"She's tough that one". Jerry said when he noticed Sam's eyes trailed on the rookies table.

"Yup, you should take lessons". Sam said turning his attention to fully focus on Jerry who held his hands up in surrender.

"It's a good batch this year, Diaz, the dark haired guy is by the book, but he's too withdrawn. Epstein, the nerd, is a computer wizz kid, should be in IT, but he's got some strong instincts. Nash, now she's got drive and um... Peck, is cold man, McNally is no where near anything like her old man, and she's got more passion than I've seen come through the door in a long time".

Jerry watched Sam stay focused on the table, his eyes moving as Jerry named each of the rookies.

"Hear you're going to TO with McNally". Jerry suddenly added as he took a long swig of his beer.

Sam nodded, his face turning to Oliver who tried subtly to look as though he was as innocent as a new born baby.

"Yup".

"Do you think that's a wise move? I mean she burned you".

"Nope Jerry, you burned me, and yeah I'm sure I can handle her, maybe not as well as you're handling Nash".

Jerry's face fell at Sam's mention of his indiscretions with Nash, of course he didn't try and hide the fact that they were seeing each other, he just chose not to mention it.

Relationships like that were taboo, frowned upon and in some instances they were banned fom existence.

Jerry was sure Nash had told McNally about it, and that Noelle and Oliver had figured it out, but no one made mention of it, except Sammy, who happened to notice it in the two hours he'd been back.

"It's different this time Sammy". Jerry mumbled, his gaze seeking Traci out.

Sam watched Jerry loose himself in the image of Nash. He was way beyond slamming breaks with this one.

What he wouldn't give to have the chance to feel that, feel so dependent on another living soul, that without them you would simply just cease to exist.

Those thoughts brought him back to McNally.

Ever since she had touched him, he had walked around touching every inanimate object to relive the sensation of feeling, something he hadn't felt in...forever.

Even now he was running his hand over the wooden edge of the table, hoping to find some sort of anything, which didn't happen.

Everything felt the same, felt like the wooden table.

Hard.

Dead.

Ever since he could remember, everything felt the same.

Human touch, furniture, even a paper cut rendered no sense of the stinging sensation he heard other people comment on.

Cold metal didn't feel cold, hot coffee didn't feel hot, although it did taste good. When made the right way.

Physical pain, that was just a myth.

And then she just had to go and cuff him, and suddenly his skin was on fire and his heart skipped a beat.

Her hands felt warm and soft, the texture of her skin making him want more when her hands pulled away.

The warmth of her touch, reminded him of his mothers hands, her touch so soft he would tell her she had hands like feathers.

The memories were pushed aside, an unrivaled anger rising that needed to be kept dormant.

That was all he ever felt, the rage and hatred directed to one man, a man that once again eluded him because of the determination of the doe eyed rookie who now sat staring at him.

*******okay, so let me know what you think in another one of those awesome thoughts you leave by using the little box underneath here - .****͡▹**

**Have an awesome day!**

**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	3. Hot Coffee & Sparks

**Thanks as always for the awesome response, the amazing reviews & the huge compliments!**

**You guys are awesome!**

**Thanks to the awesome regulars & Kelly2727!**

**Welcome to the newbies!**

**Chapter 3- Hot coffee & sparks. **

Requesting her as a trainee rookie was perhaps not the smartest idea he'd ever had, but by the third shift they shared he began to understand how accurate Jerry and Oliver's descriptions of her had been.

Spending twelve to fourteen hours a day with her, mostly confined to the close quartered interior of the squad car, he soon began to see why it was so easy to understand the formulated thoughts his friends had of her.

The more time he spent with her, the more drawn to her he became.

She had the brazen fearlessness that was needed to do this job, but she had the passion to do it properly and wholeheartedly, while being so honest when she showed her caring side, even with a suspect.

And that was something his mind just couldn't wrap itself around.

She was young, and idealistic, and had a whole lot of heart, but she was more compassionate and feisty than anyone he had come across in a while. She was also incredibly fast, something that had taken him by surprise when she bolted after a fleeing teen who snatched a bag, and brought him down before he reached the end of the block.

Her veins coursed with an amount of determination that most people would only dream of possessing.

She had daringly even made a statement that all people possess some amount of goodness in their soul, leaving Sam to wonder why such a kind spirit would want to punish themselves by seeing and living through the worst things imaginable, by becoming a cop.

Through their first three shifts Sam had refrained from any physical contact with her, even though the whole point to this was to delve deeper into the possibility that some kind of reaction to some unseen force during their first encounter, had led to him feel her touch.

That was the only plausible explanation there was.

By the fourth shift she had started bringing him coffee in the morning, their fingertips lightly brushing as she held out the cup for him to take.

When her fingers touched his, his only reaction was to pull his hand back erratically, just as she let go of the cup.

Hot coffee spilled over the brim of the cup as it tilted, his fingers firmly clasping around the cup to grab hold of it, before it fell to the floor and spilled it contents onto the tiles.

"Crap, Sam I'm so sorry". Andy blurted as she watched the dark liquid flow over his paler skin, his hand frozen in acceptance as the steaming liquid dripped from his hand and met the tiled floor in silence.

Dashing off, she returned seconds later with a cold cloth, grabbed the split coffee from his hand, threw it in the nearby trashcan, and took hold of his hand, applying the cold, wet cloth to his red skin.

Then suddenly there was a burning sensation covering his hand. It ran underneath, where her hand held on to his, making its way up his arm.

Sam stood staring at Andy, reveling in the sensation that felt like warm feathers.

"It's fine". He barked out, snatching his hand back before pulling the cloth off and shoved it towards Andy, who took it with a dumbfounded look on her face.

Immediately regretting his decision to allow her to be close enough to make him feel, Sam stomped off, leaving a stunned Andy following as he weaved his way to the locker room.

"Sam...".

The door closed in her face as soon as he stepped into the men's locker room, giving her the brief opportunity to back down or pursue him into unchartered territory.

A slamming sound made her decision for her, the loud noise that reverberated from inside the room pulling her towards the door.

Hesitantly pushing the door open, and stepping in, Andy found Sam leaning on a locker with one hand braced against the metal door, the other fixed on his hip with his head hanging down.

"Sam?".

The sound of her voice made his head snap up, a cold stare emanating from his eyes as he pushed off the locker.

"I'm sorry, it was an accident...". She stammered with a voice that flinched as Sam strode the distance between them to stand squarely in front of her.

"Don't apologize, it wasn't your fault". Sam said, his teeth fighting the urge to grind together, resulting in his jaw tensing and clinching, very badly.

"Sam I...". Andy reached out for Sam's hand, lifting it to inspect any damage she may have inflicted on it.

"You're bleeding". She whispered as she pulled his hand up, her fingers gently entangling around his flesh.

Sam tore his eyes off her face, seeking his own hand out to find his knuckles marred with crimson smudges.

"It's fine". He whispered hoarsely, looking back at her face to find it wrapped in concern.

Even though he didn't feel the damage he had inflicted on his hand, seeing it made it real.

"Why did you do that?".

Andy flipped her eyes over to the damaged locker door, still holding on to Sam's hand for no apparent reason.

"It's not you...it's...".

Me?

Wow, really smooth Sammy, sounds like you're about to break it off with your high school sweetheart.

"It's fine".

Sam let her hang on to his hand, the warmth texture of her hand keeping the sensation of euphoria intact.

"Sam of I did or said something...".

"No, McNally, this was all me, so let it go?".

Snatching his hand back, Sam felt the sudden absence of her limb the second she let go, his mind racing at his own selfish desire to fulfill his need to succumb to his desire to feel.

Still she stood her ground, even though she had resorted to rolling her eyes at his weak excuses before finding the floor.

When she looked back at him, her face was lost in an expression so sad, that even though he didn't really know her, he knew she was feeling rejection.

"I...". Sam didn't have words to say, words to form an apology.

Reaching out for her, he took a tentative step forwards, stopping only when he was inches away from her.

He was so close, that his breath fanned out over her face and moved a strand of her fringe that hung over her forehead when he spoke.

His hand wrapped around the small span of her upper arm, where the material of her shirt provided a barrier.

He'd already tested his limits by deliberately sucking her in to his own private need to satisfy his curiosity, and she was so close, so what would one more final little test do to a situation that was already enveloping him in way over his head.

So he threw caution to the wind and leaned in, his lips fully intending on meeting the flesh of hers.

A sudden jolt shot through his lips before they even attached themselves to hers, a mere millimeter apart.

Time froze in that split second, the entire world falling away as the charge ran through his face and ignited a trail of electricity that flowed freely through him.

The heated reaction to her caused his coordinated thoughts to come to an abrupt halt, his nerve endings tingling in a way so foreign he found it inexplicable to label.

*******Thanks for reading!**

**A/N; this is being written intentionally holding back detail that will leave gaps for now, everything will come to light in later chapters and make more sense. **

*******okay, so let me know what you think in another one of those awesome thoughts you leave by using the little box underneath here - .****͡▹**

**Have an awesome day!**

**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	4. Sweet Nothing

**Thanks for the awesome reviews for chapter 3! You guys know how to rock my world!**

**Thanks to all the regulars, & Kelly2727! You guys are really beyond awesome!**

**Welcome to the newbies!**

**Chapter 4- Sweet Nothing **

"Are you insane?". Andy's voice rang out loudly as she stepped back, her head dropping as though she intended to keep her lips shielded.

Sam snapped out of the moment that had him locked in so securely he was sure he had stopped breathing.

Andy pulled away, her arm freeing itself of his grip, her face contorted in an expression of pure confusion.

Judging by her expression he knew that she knew what he was about to do, and that besides the fact that it was wrong on so many levels, it was against the rules.

TO's and rookies, that was the biggest rule breaker there was, when training them, not that he was someone who ever stuck to playing by the rules.

"McNally I...".

How would he explain this one?

She looked seriously freaked out.

She spun around and left the locker room without another word, her hand yanking the door open with enough force to make Sam wonder what it would have felt like if she had punched him in the face.

Letting out a loud sigh, his mind drifted back to the moment he relinquished the fight to stay away and stop all unanswered questions from harboring themselves in his mind.

It was the night he saw her at the Penny, the goodbye hugs she gave the two male rookies at her table when they left, that decided for him.

Watching their reactions to her, he saw no sign of unwelcome sensations as she wrapped her arms around them and said goodnight.

He wanted to know, from that moment on, was he feeling because it was her touch, or because by some inexplicable reason the sensations were returning.

The only positive thing about what had just happened, was the fact that she seem to notice that he didn't feel the burning of the hot liquid when the coffee ran over his hand, or that his hand was even bleeding from slamming it into someone's locker.

At least for the time being, his secret was intact.

Leaning against the cruiser, he waited for her to finally make her way out after his little escapade in the locker room.

His feet crossed at the ankles, his sunglasses covering his eyes, he waited.

He even slipped a piece of gum into his mouth as a deterrent from saying another thing that would spiral out at an awkward time.

When she finally made it out, all traces of her former self had been left behind, now a flustered look graced her cheeks as she made her way over.

"Can we just like maybe, disregard that whole episode?". She sped out as soon as she neared him enough for him to hear.

"Disregarded". Sam agreed, leaning off the cruiser and walking around it to climb in the drivers door and start what was most likely to become the longest day he had ever experienced.

The first part of their shift was shrouded in awkwardness, stiff conversation only taking place when it was only necessary to communicate.

By lunch time, the air had cleared, no traces of the disregarded awkwardness from the morning lingering between them.

Their relationship grew as shifts rolled by, a comfortable routine forming as their understanding of eachother grew.

Even drinks at the Penny after shift were bearable without any kind of uncommon ground forcing them into awkward moments.

By the end of the week, their off days came around, leaving Sam to feel a gap in his daily life without her around. Her allergy to silence impacting heavily on him now that it was missing.

By the return to their shifts, Sam had offered to pick her up at home in the mornings, siting the useful excuse of preventing her from being late to win her approval of his actions.

Another sleepless night rendered him tired as the sun began to make its appearance over the city.

He'd had many of those restless nights since he returned from being under. Thoughts of the man that eluded him keeping him from finding shelter in slumber.

Deciding to take an early morning run, to clear his mind before shift, Sam made his way out into the fresh air, something he missed when he had been stuck in a crappy apartment with someone else's name and his own face.

Making his way down the driveway, Sam froze at the sight of the red flag on his post box up.

Last night when he got home from drinks with Oliver and Jerry at the Penny, the flag was down, indicating no mail, but this morning it was up. Somewhere during the night, someone had either left him mail or simply lifted the flag.

Approaching the mail box with caution, Sam dropped its hatch to find what he would never forget.

Nestled inside the mail box was a note that read 'The Marina', with a human finger laying over it, glittery nail polish glistening in the early morning sunlight.

Sam slammed the flap closed, muttering a string of curses as he looked back and forth down his street. Running back inside he grabbed his phone, hitting the speed dial.

"This better be good".

"I've been made, he knows it was me". Sam yelled into the phone as soon as he heard the voice on the other side answer.

"Are you sure?"

"Jerry, I have a finger in my mail box, I think it's safe to say yeah, I'm sure".

"Okay, give me twenty". Jerry said climbing out of bed.

"Yup, and send units to the marina".

"The marina?".

"Yup, they'll be looking for the body of a female, mid twenty's, light brown hair".

"Why?".

"'Coz the note attached says so"

Twelve days he's been back.

Twelve days of thinking he had remained anonymous, until today.

True to his word Jerry arrived twenty minutes later, Donovan Boyd, Callaghan and a few uniforms pulling up behind him.

Jerry made a beeline for the mail box, rubber gloves on and evidence bag ready.

"You're sure it's him? Swarek, this could..."

"It's him okay, he's sending me a message". Sam grunted out, his face contorted into a look of disgust at Callaghan's voice making itself audible.

"Sammy, this doesn't mean anything...". Boyd started fumbling for an excuse.

"It's him, that finger belongs to Sparkle, one of his girls".

"And you know this because?". Jerry tried to hide his amusement as he faced Sam, sealing the finger that now dangled in the plastic evidence bag.

"I paid her for info on Joseph and Daniel, she kept me in the loop if they were around so I could make sure I wasn't".

"Sammy, it's just a finger, could belong to anyone". Jerry said waving the bag in front of his face for a closer inspection.

"Jerry, how many hookers have you seen with nails that long, that aren't glued on? Covered in blue glitter nail polish? Trust me, it's her". Sam said eyeing the finger before casting his eyes away.

"Sam...hang on". Jerry said just as his phone rang loudly.

All eyes were focused on Jerry until he ended the call, shoved his phone in his pocket and ran his free hand over his face.

"They found her, at the marina. They're fishing her out now. I've got to get over there, but I will call you later Sammy. Watch your back?".

Jerry walked away, his hand freely swinging his new evidence around, and up towards his face, his lips moving, no doubtedly asking if it wanted to go find the rest of its limbs.

Sam just knew that his life had become a whole lot worse than it had been, and that this was only the first warning to come if he didn't back off.

"So how exactly do you know Sunshine or whatever her name was, is meant to be a warning?". Boyd said, making Sam whip around to face him.

"Sparkle, and I know because she needed the money to feed her kids. It kept her off the street, and at home with them, instead of turning tricks. Where a mother belongs Boyd, but you wouldn't know that. Better send Child Protection Services to the Motel on Dunford Drive, her kids probably need...".

Sam walked off leaving Boyd and Callaghan on his front lawn, before he did some grievous bodily harm to the ass who didn't know anything other than how to run his undercover op's in the dark.

What those kids needed was their mother, a hooker who he managed to get killed.

Grabbing a cup in the kitchen, Sam poured himself another cup of coffee and looked up to find Callaghan watching him intently.

"It happens". The detective mumbled as though the words were meant to reassure Sam that this was normal.

"Well, it shouldn't". Sam countered, setting his coffee cup down with a loud crash as it shattered.

"Swarek, if he knows it was you, then why is he sending a warning and not coming after you?".

"He's playing with me". Sam said, his hands clamping down on the end of the kitchen counter.

"Why now?".

"Damn it Callaghan, I don't know okay, maybe it's because I got this close to him". Sam held up his fingers and showed a small gap between them before slamming his hand down on the counter.

"You know that this is bad right? That it's about to get messy?".

"Tell me something I don't know". Sam said looking at his watch.

Shit, he was already late to pick Andy up.

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	5. The Ties That Bind Us

**Thanks for the awesome reviews, hope this chapter will clear up some of your questions. **

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**Chapter 5- The Ties That Bind Us**

By the time everyone had cleared off his front lawn and out of his house, Sam was dreading going on shift.

Already two hours late for the start of his shift, Sam didn't bother with formalities or questioning looks when he finally walked into the barn.

He called Frank and gave him the run down of the mornings events, and asked him to call Nash and have her pick McNally up, because before now he had no need to ask her for her number.

Making his way towards the locker room, Sam felt her before he saw her, as she slipped into step slightly behind him.

"Sam".

Slowing his steps down, Sam turned around to face her, a breezy look flowing over her face as she took the sight of him in from head to toe as though she was in search of reassurance that he was in one piece.

The sound of his name sounded oddly strange flowing from her lips, when she changed it from Swarek to Sam he couldn't remember, it was suddenly just there.

And it sounded good.

"I heard what happened, are you okay?". Andy shifted around uncomfortably, her head dipping a little lower so that peak of her cap was obscuring her face slightly.

"Yup, just a little...miscommunication". Sam wasn't quite sure how much she had heard, but scaring her with the unabridged version of the truth, so that she could blame herself, because she would for burning him and setting this all in motion, that was just not something he wanted to do to someone that was so fragile.

Andy cocked an eyebrow up at him, as if to call him out on his excuse, making it sound weak.

"Meet you at the cruiser in ten?". Sam suddenly broke the silence, needing to free himself from the sweet smell that slowly drew his attention.

A smell so tempting that he chewed gum all day on patrol with her to keep it hidden under the smell of mint.

Saw backed away, entering the locker room just as a sudden thought cascaded through his mind.

When had he reverted to thinking about her as Andy? When it should be McNally?

He had no idea, but somewhere in the back of his mind, it sounded really good too.

Shift was monotonous, adding to a bad start the day already had.

Jerry had filled him in that the body they pulled out the marina did appear to be that of a woman, early to mid twenties, dressed like a hooker. Sam was asked to come down and identify her.

Her prints were still being run through the system, so no positive ID had been made yet.

Sam bit the bullet, and asked if Child Services had been to the motel only to have Jerry confirm that they found two kids, ages around three years and eighteen months, that had been moved to a place of safety. The mother had enlisted the after hour services of one of the motels maids to watch the children at night, so at least Sam was reassured that they had been safe while their mother was out working the street.

Sam's mood changed dramatically after that call, shifting to the quiet brooding mood he usually had.

Andy left him alone, no questions on what was wrong filing out of her mouth at awkward times.

After shift Sam waited for Andy, like he would after every shift to offer her a ride home or to the Penny.

Except tonight was different, she was different.

When she came out the locker room engaged in conversation with Nash, she just seemed happier?

"I'll see you later". Nash smiled before making herself scarce.

"So need a ride home?". Sam asked taking the opportunity to carefully take in her appearance.

She had a little more makeup on than she had earlier, and her hair was hanging loose, something she rarely did since he met her, it was always in a ponytail or pulled into a messy bun.

"No thanks, I'm going to catch a ride with Luke?". Her words came out sounding more like a question than her actually giving him information.

"See you at the Penny?". She added as she walked backwards down the hallway.

"Maybe". Sam replied really trying to get a handle on the sudden urge he had to really inflict pain on Callaghan.

Wait, was he jealous that Callaghan was taking his rookie to the Penny for drinks?

His rookie? When the hell had she become his rookie? Sure she was assigned to him as a rookie, but reffering to her as 'His Rookie', that was wrong on so many levels.

Deciding to skip the Penny Sam went straight home and poured himself a really stiff shot of whiskey before making the call he had been intending on making since his day shot to crap.

"Sammy".

"Hey".

"Something wrong, you don't sound too pleased that I actually answered your call".

"Nope, just had a long day Sarah. Remember...the shrink you took me to when I was a kid?". Okay there, the question was out.

"What? Why?". Sarah sounded audibly frozen to the spot.

"Just wondering".

"Sammy!".

"Okay, is she still at her practice there?".

"Sammy!".

"Okay, I think it's back".

"What? Sammy talk sense".

"Sarah, give me a break here". Sam was growling, did he have to say it to her when he knew perfectly well that she knew what he was talking about.

"Seriously?".

"Yeah seriously!".

"Sam... How long have you known?".

"Twelve days. It's just like patchy though". Sam was having a hard time explaining it.

"Meaning? Is it...physical?".

"A little. I think I got jealous because my rookie went out for drinks with Callaghan".

Sarah let out a fit of giggles in his ear before suddenly cutting it off and saying "Your rookie?".

Sarah knew Sam had been burned by a female rookie on her first day, and that Sam had been assigned to her as her TO.

News traveled fast between divisions, even when they were so far apart.

"That's what I said".

"Sammy, I don't know if she's still around, I'll find out. Want your file?".

"Yup".

"You know, she said your detachment was phsycological, that it could return. Maybe both the physical and emotional sides...but don't expect too much?".

"I won't". Sam drew a long deep breath before spilling more words out.

"Dad's back".

He heard Sarah draw in a sharp breath before she whispered a reply.

"And you know this because?"

"I was working him".

"Have you lost your fucking mind?". Sarah screamed into his ear as his eyes pinched closed and his hand retracted the phone away from his ear.

"Have you forgotten what happen the last time?". Her voice was unstable, a clear sign that she was not taking the news well.

"Sarah...".

"No Sam! Don't! I DO NOT want to go through this again okay! You leave it alone, you back off! Have you forgotten what happened the last time you went after him?".

Did she really think he would forget about putting a bullet in his brother the last time they had a little family reunion.

"Sarah...".

"No Sam, and DO NOT refer to him as Dad, okay, Anton Hill is not my father any more than he is yours. You leave this alone Sammy".

Sam heard the click that indicated Sarah had dropped the call, her refusal to discuss this anymore halting anything else he may have wanted to say.

She was upset and he couldn't blame her, but he was going to finish this one way or another, with or without her help.

The last time he had tried to do this, he tried it without her, only a hand full of people were in on the assignment then.

His first undercover that lasted more than a week.

Callaghan sucked at undercover work, and held a grudge against him from then on out, when he discovered that Sam was the oldest son of Anton Hill and that they were being assigned to that case, even though there were regulations against it.

They were attempting to work their way through Hill's ranks and gain enough intel to let the detectives place someone on the inside, closer to him.

Didn't work out that well, it ended with Callaghan in the hospital, and Sam putting a bullet in his brother Joseph when they were made.

Sam needed sixteen stitches in his thigh that night, and even then, thirteen years ago, pain in his thigh had been nothing more than an elusive thought, although the scar would remain.

It would remind him every day that he was not a Hill, he was a Swarek, and that his father would pay for what he had done.

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	6. The Things People Say

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**Chapter 6- The Things People Say**

The minute Andy stepped into view the next morning, Sam knew she had, had a late night, or rather an early morning.

The sunglasses screamed hangover and her blatant refusal to talk reinforced it strongly. Her allergy to silence, or lack thereof, due to a jackhammer in her head was something that was as uncommon as her wearing sunglasses.

The ride over to the barn was made in silence, so was the drive around town two hours into patrol.

Boyko had announced his retirement this morning, in parade, and he announced that Frank would be taking over as staff sergeant, something Sam didn't even know about until it was announced.

He didn't even know that Frank had the desire to wear a white shirt.

That also meant that his six week trial on training McNally might not be reviewed and altered over the upcoming time frame.

All morning he had refrained from asking her how her date went, not wanting to add more insult to injury by putting himself in a position to feel more than the anger he had carried with him for life, well since he was six anyway.

Glancing over at Andy, he noticed that her skin was still tinted pale, no sign of the healthy glow she usually wore.

Pulling up outside a diner across town, Sam cut the engine and noticed her weary glance from over the top of her sunglasses.

"We gotta eat right?". Sam said before she wrinkled her nose up in distaste at the idea of food.

"You go ahead". Andy said waving him off.

"Sorry McNally, but training Rookies are trained, even if its how to trash a hangover before shift". Sam said cocking an eyebrow up, daring her to dispute her only option now.

Getting out of the cruiser, Sam rounded to her side before yanking her door open when she blatantly refused to get out of the car.

Holding the door open, Sam barked a word out that had Andy unsnap her seat belt before making a hasty attempt to get out of her seat.

"Out".

"Now, McNally". He added just as her hand moved to reach for the seat belt.

When they reached the door, Sam held it open for her to walk through first, his hand finding the small of her back where his fingers grazed over the course material of her shirt that stuck out just below her vest.

Looking at his hand, he let out a low chuckle at the fact that he was starting to feel things around her too now, the thick materials texture uneven, and rough under his touch.

Andy spun around to face him, her mouth opening before she could control it.

"So now this is funny?".

She obviously assumed that he found her ability to trip over flat surfaces amusing enough to laugh over.

"What?".

Sam's face turned back to its usual expressionless self just as she walked off and found a booth at the back.

Sitting opposite her, Sam tried to look intent on surveying their surroundings, rather than let his attention be captivated by her.

"This is your fault anyway". Andy mumbled out, just as the waitress arrived to take their orders.

Sam ordered two 'Super Juices', before she walked away, leaving Andy looking really flustered and rather uncomfortable looking in her seat across from him.

"Can we make this not be weird?".

Sam was totally lost.

He had absolutely no idea what she was talking about or how her hangover was his fault.

"Care to explain?".

"No Sam, I don't". Her face turned to pouting and sulking as she slid down in her chair just as their juices arrived, Sam ordering two waffles and ice cream.

"Juice and ice cream?".

"Yup".

"Why?".

"Because you look like you need it".

Andy found it really difficult to cope this morning.

Way too many tequilas with Gail and Traci had seen to that.

The whole 'let's go on a date with Luke' idea was not one of her brightest, and it ended with her drowning herself in tequila until the barman cut them off.

"So, why did I make you drink until the point of over indulgence?". Andy had hoped he'd leave it alone after her overthinking caused her to let it slip that it was his fault.

"Because you didn't have my back?".

Her comeback was clueless, and vague, but he wasn't about to give in.

"That so?".

Ever since she joined the academy, the most important rule that had been drilled into her was, always have your partners back, no matter what.

"Yup". Andy wasn't divulging any more information, making Sam wonder if something had happened.

"Your partner is not supposed to have your back when you're out on a date". Sam retaliated, his tone a little sharper than the neutral tone he usually had.

"Yeah, well that went really well anyway".

"Did something happen...?"

"Luke said... It doesn't matter what he said, just promise me something?".

Sam nodded, waiting patiently for her to continue.

"Promise me that I can trust you?".

Her question took him by surprise, he would never have expected her to say something like that after the two weeks they had been working together.

The thing with having to patrol with a partner was that trust between you and them was imperative at surviving a shift.

If there was no trust, no surety that they had your back, you wouldn't focus on the job, and that could get you killed. And them.

Whatever Callaghan had said to her was making her fear him, or fear working with him as though there was no trust from her side.

Sam suddenly had the urge to find Callaghan and...

"Sam?".

"Andy I promise". He answered without hesitation, feeling her name roll off his tongue and over his lips.

Her face changed from the frightful look it wore to the biggest grinning smile he had ever seen her flash.

He didn't know if it was because he made the promise or used her name, and he didn't care, he meant it.

Andy had Luke's words running through her mind since he said them.

Every logical explanation for him saying what he had said had followed his words, but every scenario came up empty.

Her mind would clear until all she could hear were his words "You shouldn't trust Swarek so much, he isn't who he says he is".

Andy had no idea what Luke meant by that, but she already trusted Sam. He was her partner. He kept her safe when she screwed up, like the day she walked out into the street and nearly got run over by a cyclist.

Sam pulled her out of the way before yelling several obscenities to the cyclist, and then he crapped all over her about being a danger magnet.

He looked out for her, and even now, he was making sure she was okay, and trying to fix her hangover.

"So, why is this called 'Super Juice?". Andy said deflecting the subject.

"Because it fixes the worst hangover you'll ever have".

After finishing their food, and 'Super Juice', Andy felt more like her normal self, most of her hangover having subsided to a merely tired feeling from way too little sleep.

Back on patrol, the earlier silence disappeared, instead being replaced with the friendly banter that usually fell between them naturally.

Andy was watching Sam as he spoke while driving them around the city, she asked him if he had ever worked with her dad, to which he replied that he had a few times, but not really intensely.

Asking about his family in turn, Andy learned that he had a sister named Sarah. And that was all he told her. No personal details, no family history, nothing.

It was as though there was nothing beyond the scope of him having a sister named Sarah.

Days turned to weeks, a familiarity forming a strong routine between them.

Andy was occasionally shifted to partner with Noelle or Oliver, but even then Sam knew she would be safe.

Safe.

The word was more than just a word on his vocabulary, it was like somehow he had tasked himself with the actual action of keeping her safe and in one piece.

It was as though that had suddenly become an unspoken priority on his list.

He was just flooded with the urge to keep her safe, protect her, shelter her from the world.

Over the last few weeks their relationship had progressed to borderline friendship, but the thing was, he didn't have female friends.

The exclusion of Noelle and Zoe Shaw were naturally made, they were like one of the guys, their gender never played a part in their friendship.

Then there was Andy McNally.

Everything about her screamed female, and he was often stuck turning the mantra on 'She's your partner', over and over again.

But the thing was, his feelings had been progressing along with their slide into friendship, and right now he wasn't sure that was a good thing.

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	7. Trust

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**Chapter 7- Trust. **

"No!". The word slid out forcefully, every letter meant.

"Come on Sammy, it's fourty-eight hours. In and out".

"I've been waiting for an in for three months Boyd and this is what you come up with?". Sam was agitated, his tone clearly stating the fact.

"Sammy, we can't take any more transfers until IA has cleared us, this is all I've got". Boyd argued back knowing that Sam wasn't biting.

"Why Peck?". Sam suddenly blurted, Boyd's reasons to her tagging along a little faded.

"She's a Peck, she's honest?".

Boyd was fumbling for an excuse to explain why he wanted her assigned to this, when he really didn't have one.

"So you're just gonna send her in when she has never done an undercover?".

"It's just to observe, see if there's any big players, that's it". Boyd was trying his damnedest, but Sam wasn't budging.

"No backup, no packing, no way out if there's a big player in there, not my idea of in and out". Sam crossed his arms over his chest while Boyd paced Frank's office casting him wayward glances in search of some help here.

"Sam, you've been waiting for this what's holding you back? Pecks reliable".

Frank's voice suddenly filling his office as he watched Sam debating on whether or not to actually do this or not.

"Frank it's not that, I've never even been on patrol with her, we don't know eachother's moves...".

"So what's it going to take to get you in?". Frank said leaning back in his chair, his hands pressed together.

"Backup I can count on?". Sam's words came out as an unintended question.

"If I let you take McNally?".

Sam's lips curled up in a slight smirk at Frank's response.

"You want your crazy-assed rookie with you on this? The one who's had more screw up's than...".

"Yeah, MY rookie". Sam bit out turning to face Boyd.

Boyd cocked an eyebrow at Sam silencing him, leaning back on Frank's desk, Boyd raised his own eyebrows.

"Why?".

"Because I trust her".

Sam answered without hesitation, Boyd wanted an answer and that was really all he had to give.

Waving McNally into Frank's office, Sam watched the hesitation cross her face before she let it go. She was overthinking, wondering if she had made another screw up.

Like when she dropped her gun, and it went off.

Or like when she left a suspect handcuffed to a bicycle rack to see if he was okay, when the suspect elbowed him in the face and he stopped when she pointed out that his nose was bleeding. That day the suspect ran off carrying the bicycle rack and just disappeared. Handcuffs right along with them.

Then there was when she...

"Swarek?".

"Yeah?".

"You sure about this?". Frank's voice pulled the Andy induced haze right out from under him.

Sam nodded before watching Andy who seemed to keep looking at him while Frank explained an information gathering night out on the town.

"Think you're up for it?". Frank asked her before she glanced at Sam, her face really questioning until he nodded.

Accepting the short stint, Andy felt her nerves become enraged in a war with themselves, her self doubt reining high as they left Frank's office.

"Why'd you ask for me?".

Sam stopped mid stride. Could she really read him that well? Well enough to know that he asked for her on this?

"Because I trust you". Sam said resuming his steps as he watched her stifle a smile and dip her head to hide her blush.

Eleven hours later, Andy stood nervously inside the locker room, Traci trying to suppress a laugh at Andy's nervous habits.

"Relax, you've got this". She said just as Noelle came walking in.

"Ouch!". Noelle exclaimed taking the sight of Andy in.

"That bad?". Andy said, her face falling.

"Um, let's just say, you look real" Noelle said her smile really wide.

Andy was dressed in a black cocktail dress with hooker heels and her jacket. Simple, if you were a hooker.

"Oh, you got this". Noelle added seeing Andy still doubting herself.

A little less than an hour later, Sam and Andy walked into the club.

As they cleared the bouncer at the door after he patted Sam down, he reached for her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze before leading her through the doors and into the dimly lit club.

The music was loud and bodies milled around, the heat from inside nothing compared to the fire that raged up his hand and arm.

She always had that effect on him.

Heading for the bar, with her in tow Sam ordered her a rum and coke, and a beer for himself before they moved to a table in a dark corner.

Andy seemed to have calmed down, her nervousness emanating from her in waves since she came out the locker room and managed to stall his breathing and make his heart stammer to a dead stop.

He'd seen her in uniform, her shirt changing to a short sleeve when the rookies were cut loose a few weeks ago, a woman in uniform had just always been his thing until he saw her in jeans.

Jeans became his thing with the way she wore them, when they would hang out at the Penny.

When he stopped over one day to drop off her water bottle after she left it in his truck after a ride home the day they had three shifts off, shorts were his new favorite item of clothing. At least on her anyway.

Then the night her tumble dryer started smoking and she called him to come over before it blew up, pajamas and bare feet were his newest obsession on her.

Shaking his head, Sam pushed the perverted thoughts of woman's clothing out of his mind, his eyes falling on her dressed in an outfit way better than her pajamas.

It was going to be fourty-eight hours of hell.

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	8. Enough To Go Back?

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**Here's more...**

**Chapter 8- Enough To Go Back?**

The setup was simple, go in, pay attention, have a few drinks, go spend the night at the cheap motel down the road, come back tomorrow, do it all over again, catch a cab, go home.

Guns and Gangs got a tip that some big dealer was now taking over Toronto's street trade and this was rumored to be a place on the list of their latest dealings.

Who this person was, remained a mystery, so hence the reason for their presence.

They were here to observe and for Sam to try and put names to faces that Boyd had on his list of possibilities.

Sam having his eyes sweeping over the place the entire night turned a hopeful friday into nothing more than an empty list of possibilities. No known faces made their appearance, everyone was just a stranger.

Andy sat a little to Sam's left, her lips moving but her voice was drowned out by the loud music as it bombarded through the air.

She'd been quiet most of the night, staring off into space.

Something he wasn't used to, was silence filling the air between them.

Shaking his head Sam leaned in little closer, his head turning slightly sideways so that his ear was a little closer to her.

"They're watching you". Andy whispered, her breath flushing over Sam's face causing a chill to run through him.

Sam knew he couldn't exactly turn around and look, so instead he tried to force a smile that would seem elusive.

"Black jacket, near the door". Andy added causing another flush of her breath to wash over his face.

Sam didn't bother looking up, instead he just let his hand find its way to her face. Letting it rest on her cheek he turned and in turn whispered in her ear.

"We've gotta go. Now".

He trusted her implicitly, it was the reason she was here with him. If someone was standing and watching him intently, then they recognized him, and that was a bad thing.

Andy tried to find a timid smile, without over showing her heartbeat's staggering new pace as it suddenly found a new rhythm.

Standing up Sam took Andy's hand and held it tightly, way more force than needed, in his fingers as it wrapped around her dainty ones.

Walking through the crowd towards the door, Sam looked up to find who Andy was describing, still watching them from under dropped eyelids.

Sam's strides faltered as he stopped and turned to face Andy, pulled her a little closer and leaned in towards her hair.

"On the way out, if I get stopped, or something happens you keep going through that door, you don't stop, you don't interfere".

Sam felt Andy tense as her eyes shot up to meet his, panic written on her face.

"No matter what happens, you leave, got it?".

Sam's tone was the same one he had when they first went on patrol together. It was authoritative and cold, just like she thought he was in the beginning.

"Sam...". Her eyes had stretched to minute saucers, her skin that held a heated flush moments ago began to turn white, even under the flashing colored lights that danced over her skin.

"..you're scaring me". She let her eyes roam over to just behind Sam, the two figures that were watching them now slowly making their way towards them through the crowd of bodies that shielded them.

"Andy...". Sam really didn't have words right now to dissipate her fear, because right now she should be scared. It might be the only thing that would get her out of here in one piece.

Sam didn't have a chance to finish what he was trying to as Andy's eyes shifted back to him and back over his shoulder, before coming back to him and then rolling slightly while she chewed on her lip, her mind working in overtime.

She blew out a long breath before looking down to his hand that still had hers wrapped in his own before she shook it loose and stepped forwards.

The next three minutes of his life would be engraved in his mind forever.

Three minutes of his life that would render him completely and utterly beyond any help. Reality would rush through him, and ultimately bring him to his knees.

Andy let her hands flutter up to his chest before she pushed him back into the walled pillar behind him, stepped forwards and leaned in.

The second her lips fused over his, the world ceased to exist, time stopped, and reality faded away to a distant memory.

Sam tried weakly to pull away, but backed up against the wall with her leaning against the front of him left little room to move. Freezing under her spell, Sam had little to no resolve to actually move, but the timing was all wrong, this wasn't how this was supposed to happen

What?

'Wasn't how this was supposed to happen?'.

When had that even become a factor in his subconscious thoughts?

Andy's hand moved up to his face, and came to rest on his cheek, her actions pulling him from his lost thoughts, as her hand pulled him impossibly closer as if willing him to be a participant.

The feel of the softest skin he'd ever felt brushing over his lips let his resistance crumble before it fled him entirely.

Every nerve ending in his body was raging in flames, every hair standing on end. The warmth that spread over him wrapped its clutches around him, squeezing every ounce of hatred and anger he'd ever felt out of him and replacing it with a mixture of things he'd never felt.

Even a moment of hesitation as she pulled away breathlessly.

His eyes had closed somewhere along the lines, his hand had wrapped itself in her loose hair without him even realizing it.

Her eyes were stilled half closed, her face still hovering close enough to feel her breath still linger on his lips.

"Can we please go home now?". Andy suddenly blurted out rather louder than needed, reminding Sam that the real reason she had just done that, was because she sensed something was wrong and that they needed a way out of here.

Smiling at the sound of her words Sam nodded before he untangled his hand from her hair and let it roam in search of hers.

"Yup". Sam let his eyes evaluate the faces of the people around them, setting his sights on the familiar one, he saw as it mumbled to the other in a way that looked as though he had lost interest in pursuing any further contact with them.

"Let's get out of here". Sam said tugging on Andy's hand and pulling her towards the door as the eyes of the familiars followed them all the way out into the street.

Sam dragged her by the hand all the way down the street and across the tarmac of the road that ran across their paths.

His relentless strides made it hard for her to keep up in her heels, but she tried her damnedest to.

By the time they made it to the motel room that Boyd had booked and paid for them, Sam's mind had, had enough time to run over the events that led them up to this point in time.

He was fuming.

Stumbling through the door, Sam shoved her over its threshold, before slamming the door and leaving its echo to rage through the room.

Andy spun around to face Sam, totally astonished by his sudden change in behavior.

"Do you have any idea how stupid that was?". Sam yelled breaking the silence as he ran a hand over his face in frustration.

"Excuse me?". Andy's defenses immediately surfaced, her annoyance at his sudden change in attitude evident.

"I told you to get out of there, not to get involved Andy, and you draw attention to yourself? These guys don't fuck around Andy, ever". Sam was yelling, his anger flashing to the surface.

"Sam you made it sound like you weren't leaving the inside of that club, what the hell was I supposed to do, leave you there?". Andy's fire spread through her quickly, her words filing out at the same level his had.

"Andy...".

"Don't start okay! What happened to always having your partners back? That's what I was doing Sam, the only thing I could think of doing to get us both out of there. I know crossing that line wasn't the ideal way of doing it, but that's all I had to work with". Andy stomped off before slamming the bathroom door behind her.

Sam knew she was right, that her actions had probably worked and set up the illusion that he was merely there with a date or whatever it looked like to them, but still, having that attention now focused on her was the last thing he wanted.

But her actions had spiraled a new range of thoughts to run through him, thoughts that he should not be having about her.

Thoughts he tried to cover up and file away in the 'Forbidden' category of his brain.

Sam stood glued to the spot where she left him until she came out the bathroom dressed in clothes that came out the bags they gave Boyd to leave in the room when he came to book and pay for it.

"I'm sorry, you did the right thing". Sam said in a tone so soft and low Andy froze at him actually apologizing and the new tone his voice suddenly took.

She stopped shoving her clothes into the duffle bag and looked up to face him, her face lost in translation from the anger she felt towards him to the forgiveness that was taking over.

"Don't make this weird Sam".

Sam knew she was right, he was acting weird but angry too, it was just that having felt so alive for the first time was kind of hard to push out of his mind.

"Traci and I came up with a saying at the academy, to get us through. Fake it 'till you make it, so just...". Andy had no idea why she just said that, or how that sentence was supposed to finish, so she cut it off midway and let her teeth clamp down on her lip instead of allowing the words to free themselves.

"It was what it was right?". Sam knew his tone took on a new sharpness, a bit of a cold chill wrapping around his words.

Andy nodded, confirming his words making Sam wish that he could rewind time and stop her before she brought him to his knees.

Feeling that way, with her so soft and warm, and responsive under his hands Sam's mind had come up with the thought that maybe there was something from her side, maybe there was a flicker of hope that she felt the same spark run through her when they touched, but now, now her words just stole those thoughts away and ran them through the meat grinder before depositing them silently at his feet.

Andy turned back to ramming her discarded clothes into her bag, leaving Sam to hover and watch her movements.

Seconds later he walked into the bathroom in silence, his mind raging with her responses.

When he came out of the bathroom, Andy was laying on the left side of the bed staring at the ceiling, the whites of her eyes flickering in the glow of the bathroom light as she blinked.

"So they recognized you, from a UC?". She asked as he sat on the edge of the bed.

"Something like that".

Sam knew her mind was working overtime at fitting the pieces together.

"What's it like?".

"Being UC?".

Sam didn't need to look at her to know that she was nodding.

"It's hard. Unstable. Scary".

Sam flopped down on the pillow next to hers and mirrored her position, with his eyes meeting the now darkened ceiling.

"Then why do it?". Her voice was hesitant in asking the question, telling him that it was something she had held back on asking until now, when it became too much to carry around.

"I have no idea". He really didn't.

"How many have you done?".

"Eighteen". Sam kept count over the years, the countless names he had taken on never leaving his mind.

"You ever miss it?". Her tone took on a new softness, a new edge cut around the words.

Like she meant the words to come out differently, but they wouldn't.

"You know, enough to go back?". She added before he had the chance to reply.

"Andy, I'm... Waiting for a transfer to Guns and Gangs".

It was the truth, that was what he was waiting for, he just had no idea if he would take it if one became available.

He heard her suck in a shaky breath, her head turning to face him in the darkness, silence lingering on her lips.

Why had he even told her that? Was he hoping that she would try and stop him? Beg him not to go? Declare her undying love...

The word caused Sam's mind to spin and suddenly come to a braked halt as he turned to face her.

When had that word even come into consideration?

He knew that the attraction between them was there, and that a whole heap of unanswered questions had arisen since she stumbled into his life...but love?

That was something he didn't believe existed.

Or rather, he believed being in love didn't, because he loved his sister, but that was something entirely different.

Watching her in the dark, seeing her eyes blink rapidly, before he turned his attention back to the ceiling, Sam couldn't help but wonder if she was meant to cross his path, that somehow destiny had planned for her to come along and be his undoing.

"Were you even going to tell me?". Her voice was weak, and flawed as she turned back to the ceiling before rolling over to face the window on her side.

"Maybe".

Maybe he would if the time came, maybe he would instead just slip away in the darkness and never look back. Maybe he would stay.

Maybe he would ask for a new partner the next time he saw Frank.

Those were a lot of 'Maybe's' but right now it was the only answer he had.

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**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	9. Breaking the Bond

**Wow, you guys know how to blow me away, so thanks for rocking my world!**

**Thanks to the regulars & Kelly2727!**

**Welcome to the newbies! **

**Chapter 9- Breaking The Bond**

Andy waited with her breath stuck in her throat for his answer.

"You ever miss it?".

"You know, enough to go back?".

When his answer finally came, she felt like screaming at him, slapping him until he saw sense.

"Andy, I'm... Waiting for a transfer to Guns and Gangs".

She had listened to him ask her earlier if her actions at the club were what they were, and she saw a hopeful look cross his face, so she gave him the answer he was obviously hoping for.

Her mind flickered to the time he nearly kissed her in the locker room, when she asked him if he was insane, before it flickered over memories of the last few months.

All the times they hung out at the Penny cascaded through her mind, all the times he insisted they stop for lunch and that she eat, all the times he would wait for he and give her a ride home. All those times she thought he could feel the same natural thing between them.

At the club he was timid and restrained when she kissed him, he held back before she felt him give in.

The spark that ignited when her lips fused to his was one she'd only ever felt from him, when he touched her she was sure he would hear her heartbeat as it hammered in her chest.

She had watched him cautiously throughout their partnership as it progressed to friendship somewhere along the lines. He was always watching her, until he eventually just moved closer and stopped watching from a distance.

They would hang out after work or on off days, and it just felt so easy, so natural.

Traci had even asked if they were seeing eachother, causing Andy to choke and burst out laughing one night at the Penny. The thought, though random, just sounded so far fetched.

Even though it felt like they were dating without the label, guys like that simply didn't go for girls like her.

There were times when she had wondered if there was something from his side, the way he was always looking out for her, trying to keep her safe, looking after her just seemed to bare so much more intensity than it should if he saw them as just partners.

She knew that having any kind of personal relationship with your TO was against the rules, but from what she had seen, he wasn't the kind of guy to play by the rules, so what was he waiting for?

When she was cut loose, the rookie status still clung, but it wasn't as overbearing as it was before. His demeanor had changed slightly after that night, he seemed to take a tiny step closer, but still kept her shut out.

He kept his private life, his history, sheltered and shut the conversation down every single time she attempted starting one, unwilling to share even the tiniest personal detail with her.

Sometimes she wondered if he was actually seeing someone, but that thought was quickly thrown out the window when she thought about how much time he spent at work, the Penny and with her.

There was no way anyone would be happy with seeing someone for just a few hours a week, because that was the amount of time they had without the other.

His answer to her question of would he ever have told her that he was waiting for a spot to open before he took a transfer was exactly what she had expected it to be, nothing.

His maybe leaving no room for her to sum up his answer, it was empty.

She was sure he felt what she felt when she so abruptly kissed him at the club, she was so sure she'd seen his eyes come alive with more than what could be described as attraction, or lust, because she knew for sure that, that was there, she'd seen it there before. This was different, it was like his eyes had been lost in something deeper, something more intense.

Maybe it was guilt, or regret for letting it get heated and the fact that he so easily gave in when he knew it was wrong.

Staring at the ceiling before rolling to face the window, Andy tried to not think about how life would be with a gap in the space he now occupied in her life, because like it or not, he had unknowingly become the longest, stable relationship she had ever had.

With anyone.

Sensing that his words were not what she wanted to hear, Sam let his breath billow out before scraping together enough courage to say a few words.

"I would you know, find a way".

Andy turned towards him slightly when she felt him shifting around before she heard his feet hit the floor.

"Would what?".

"To um...let you know". Sam said before walking over to the couch, his pillow stuffed under his arm.

"Sam where are you going?". Andy sat upright, her eyes focusing on him moving away and settling on the couch.

He seemed really tense and shut down as he ignored her question and flopped back on the couch.

"Go to sleep Andy". Sam finally answered when he heard her moving around the room.

Opening his eyes, he felt her before he even knew she was there, hovering over him like she wasn't about to let this go.

Of course she wouldn't, it was another thing he knew well enough about her, she didn't give up easily or without a fight.

"So that's it? You're just going to shut me out and shut down? What the hell is wrong with you?". Her tone was cold, her arms wrapped around her waist as though she felt a shiver from her own words.

In the silence that followed his 'Maybe' and her subsequently rolling over and turning her back on him, Sam's mind raged a war on itself as his thoughts tried to justify themselves to his logic.

As a result, he came to one single conclusion that had his mind reeling and his heart stammering.

In the darkness of a cheap motel room, with her scent surrounding him, her breathing filling the silence of the room while her head made a dent in the pillow next to his, one thing made sense.

He was falling for her, and there was no way he was going to be able to stop himself from falling all the way.

It was something he'd probably known all along, but wouldn't admit to until now. Now that he had tasted her lips even if it was only under pretense, there was no going back, no denying it anymore.

Sitting up and grabbing the pillow, Sam uttered a few words, he could tell by her breathing that she was still awake.

He should have known that she'd follow him to the couch too, her demanding nature needing to be settled down with answers.

Leaning up on his elbows, he gave her a hardened stare, hoping to force her into submission, but she returned it with an equally defiant stare of her own.

"Why do you keep doing that? You take a step closer and then slam those god damned walls up". She was furious, her voice suddenly holding back from saying more.

"Andy if this is about me leaving, it's not definite yet okay, and we're not even supposed to tell anyone. Sometimes we get five minutes to decide and there is no time to say goodbye".

"So that's it? One day I'll walk into parade and you'll be gone? Great!". Andy reminded him of a child having a tantrum as she stomped off and threw herself back down on the bed fighting with the blankets as she tried to pull the back over herself.

Sam watched her over the edge of the couch, her face being hidden as she plunged it into her pillow.

"It's just the way it has to be". Sam whispered adding on a silent sorry.

"Well it's stupid". Her voice was muffled against the pillow, but he heard ever word in the small space.

"So was...". Sam's temper was escalating at the jolted memory of her actions earlier, it just refused to stay dormant in his mind.

"Well get over it okay, so I kissed you, it wasn't like there were so many other options at that moment". Regret tinged her voice enough to make Sam wince at hearing it.

"That's one of the problems right there McNally, I'm your p...".

And what? Should I tell her she's not supposed to kiss me when it was the only solution because we're partners.

Sam's mind froze.

It wouldn't function beyond the simple statement that ran through it.

"We're partners? Not even friends? Sam it was either that or I don't know what". Andy was yelling again.

The statement that ran through Sam's mind suddenly forced itself free of his lips.

"We've never been partners Andy".

She stared at him, her face becoming expressionless and void of all emotion until she lay back down and let the silence loom over them again.

The knock on the door startled Sam awake, Andy moving to open it to reveal Boyd on the other side.

"Kinda late to still be sleeping Sammy?". Boyd moved into the room and Andy closed the door.

"So?". Just a foot in the door and he wants results and information before Sam's even had coffee.

"Swarek recognized someone, I don't know who they are. They approached but we left. Are we done here?". Andy's tone was again wrapped in icy clutches as Sam took note that she had redressed and tied her hair up.

Boyd looked towards Sam who nodded before Andy added on a "Can I go now?" to which Boyd nodded.

Andy walked to the bed, grabbed her bag and left the motel room without even saying another word.

Boyd eyes Sam as he stood up off the couch and motioned towards the bathroom.

"Who?".

Another reason Sam was trying to keep Andy at a distance, he didn't want them to pay attention to her in any way.

"Joseph".

Boyd's eyes widened before he spluttered words out.

"And he let you leave? Just let you walk out of there?".

Sam nodded before adding a quiet "Because she had my back".

They didn't return to the club, instead they had the day off.

Sam spent it with Boyd trying to piece together what Joseph was doing back in town and how they were tied to other happenings.

When he was done with Boyd, Sam contemplated the Penny, but really wasn't in the mood to make conversation so he went home.

He contemplated calling Andy and explaining but couldn't come up with an excuse good enough to use, so he left it alone.

He would have all night to find an excuse believable enough to use, because he'd have all day tomorrow on patrol with her to explain.

****Thanks for reading!

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**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	10. Can't Stay Away

**As usual you know what I want to say, but I'll say it anyway! Thanks for the awesome reviews!**

**Thanks to the regulars & Kelly2727!**

**If you're a newbie, welcome to my world!**

**Chapter 10- Can't Stay Away **

When he was leaving for the barn the next morning, his attention drifted to the red flag up on his mailbox. Without even bothering to wait to do it, he called Jerry and casually walked over to it.

Flipping the flap down, a silver bullet stood upright staring at him in warning. Sam didn't bother looking up and down the street, he knew Joseph was long gone, his warning left behind.

Sam thought he'd have all day on patrol with her to explain, but that idea was thrown out the window when Frank handed out pairings and she was with Oliver and he was riding solo.

Oliver shot him a quizzical look when Frank announced it, Sam merely shrugged, he had no idea why it was suddenly changed.

When they were dismissed Sam tried to catch up with Andy, but failed when she made no attempt to stop and listen.

"What did you do?". Oliver asked when he found Sam standing motionless in the hallway staring after McNally as she burst through the doors and fled outside.

Sam didn't answer, he just turned to Oliver and raised an eyebrow.

"She um... You know you need to talk to her sometime right?".

"We talk all the time". Sam countered.

"Not what I meant. I mean really talk to her. She asked to be partnered with someone else Sammy, so I don't know what happened between the two of you, but this..". Oliver was pointing between Sam and the doors that Andy went through, "Needs to be fixed".

Oliver watched as Sam took in the news that she had asked to be swapped out, and he saw what he'd suspected would be there if he was right, he gave Sam a knowing smile, that seemed to look more like a smirk before walking in the direction Andy had just left in.

At lunch time, Sam found himself parked down the street from Oliver's favorite hotdog stand, waiting for his friend to hopefully be hungry by now.

He watched as Oliver parked the cruiser and they got out, making their way over to order their food.

Sam waited until they had been handed their rolls before approaching and mumbling a whimpered "Got a minute McNally?".

Both Oliver and Andy were surprised to find Sam there, although Oliver had hoped he'd show up.

"I'll just...um...wait in the cruiser". Oliver didn't wait for McNally to acknowledge before he walked away hoping that things would be better when they were done.

"What do you want Sam?". Her tone was still cold, and sounded empty, her mouth moving in what seemed like absent mindedness.

"I need you to understand something okay?".

She rolled her eyes and huffed out a breath, all signs pointing to the fact that she really wasn't in the mood to do this now.

"Sam I get it okay, so you don't...".

"Andy, you don't get it. What I said last night wasn't the whole truth". Sam cut her off, not willing to listen to her find excuses.

His words peeked her curiosity, her eyes snapping to seek his out and searching them.

"What?".

"Look, when I said we've never been partners I wasn't kidding okay, its always been...I don't know different?".

Andy stared at him, her eyes widening.

"What does that even meant? Different?".

"I have no idea".

"Sam, you're not making sense".

"I need you to know that I meant what I said okay? Its always been different, and that if...I would find a way okay?".

Sam saw the recognition flash through her eyes as he spoke.

"Sam?". Her voice shifted to sounding hollow as she asked a silent question for him to say it wasn't what she was thinking.

"I need you to trust me okay? And I need you to stay away from me can you do that?".

Andy cocked her head to the side as if she was weighing his words up.

"Please?". He sounded so pleading with one word, even to his own ears.

"You know what? Screw you Swarek". Andy threw her hotdog into the garbage can just to her left and spun around heading straight for the cruiser.

She had only taken two or three steps when a loud bang filled the air, followed closely by a second, a third and even a fourth.

The gunshots were loud and close by, and before she knew it she was hit by something and then she hit the ground.

Looking up she saw Sam's face hovering above hers, and couldn't quite figure out if Sam hit her first or if she hit the ground first.

Oliver's voice suddenly called shots fired and their location over the radio, an array of responses following from dispatch and units on route.

"You okay?". Sam said as he surveyed their surroundings.

Andy nodded, not trusting her voice to answer.

"Sammy?". Oliver's voice suddenly loomed over them, making Sam stand up before holding his hand out for Andy to take.

"See anything?". Oliver shook his head, he really hadn't, even though he had intently been watching their exchange.

"You sure you're okay?". Andy nodded before looking down at her hand to find red smudges smeared across it.

"Andy?". Sam saw her face drain before following her vision down to her hand to see it marred with crimson.

"Andy, where are you bleeding?". Sam stepped forwards to search every inch of her to no avail, before her voice made itself heard.

"Sam I'm not, you are".

"No I'm...". Sam followed her eyes to the trickle of blood that made its way down his arm, coloring his skin red.

"Sammy?". Oliver stuck his head between Sam and Andy to get a better look.

"McNally take the squad back to the barn". Oliver suddenly ordered while lifting Sam's shirt sleeve up as far as he could.

"What? No".

"McNally I wasn't asking, now go". Andy looked torn between staying and going, looking at Sam for help.

"Go". Sam said without hesitation before she spun around and walked away.

Oliver radioed that an officer was injured and that McNally was coming back in with the cruiser while he was heading over to the hospital, no visuals on where the shots came from were made.

Diaz and Peck pulled up, and Oliver instructed him to canvas for witnesses and Peck to tape off the area and wait for Jerry who would probably arrive in the next ten minutes.

Just as Oliver climbed into the cruiser, his phone rang and he answered already knowing who it was.

"Is he still alive?". Jerry asked as soon as the line was picked up.

"Yup, if they wanted him dead, they would have shot him in the head and not the arm".

"Okay, let me know how he is later?". Jerry said before hanging up.

Three hours later McNally suddenly walked into the waiting room looking like she'd been run over by a truck.

"McNally, slow down he's okay". Oliver said as soon as he saw her.

Sitting down next to him, Andy didn't feel any more relief than she had when she saw he was bleeding.

"He's having the bullet taken out in the ER, then he'll be discharged. He is really okay". Oliver tried to fill his voice with honesty to reassure her that he was really okay.

"In the ER? Don't they go into surgery to remove a bullet?".

"Um... Yup they do".

"Then why aren't they?".

"Oliver!".

Oliver was sure she would have pieced it together by now, she's a clever kid, but it seemed that she was still missing the truth.

"He didn't even feel it did he, he didn't know until I told him did he?".

Oliver shook his head, still slightly in denial of the fact that Sammy still hadn't told her anything.

"How is that even possible?". Andy seemed really shocked at the prospect of hearing the truth.

"McNally look, Sammy has some issues. They go back to when he was a kid. He is kind of really detached... He's put a phsycological block on feeling anything".

"What? So he doesn't feel pain?". Andy's voice was angry, her words filing out as the anger washed away her concern.

"That's part of it... He literally doesn't feel anything. No pain, heat, texture. Emotion".

"What?".

Oliver adding emotion seemed to throw her off guard, her face becoming a warp of emotion.

"McN... Andy, Sam doesn't feel anything he touches, or anything that touches him. Everything feels the same, he describes it like feeling wood. People, objects, material, it's all the same. He doesn't feel emotions, no empathy, no sympathy, no love, nothing. It's just a gaping hole where all those things should be".

Andy's face became paler with each word he said, telling Oliver that she really had no idea.

"He didn't even tell me". She stammered out before looking up at Oliver and whispering a soft thank you and leaving.

Fifteen minutes later, Sam emerged from behind closed doors, waving an evidence bag with the bullet from him arm in it in front of Oliver's face.

His bandaged arm stuck out from his T-shirt's sleeve, the black and white in heavy contrast to eachother.

"You okay?". Oliver questioned as he stood up, Sam nodding in reply.

"You just missed McNally". He added.

"She okay?".

"No Sam, she's not okay. Why didn't you tell her?". Oliver's whole mood shifted to one Sam hadn't seen him ware often.

"I...".

"Yeah, well she knows now".

"You told her?" Sam was seething when Oliver said he had told Andy about his affliction.

"She has the right to know, she's your partner".

"You think I don't know that? I didn't tell her that because I didn't want her to think...".

"Think what Sam? That you're only human and had a rough childhood?".

"That it's why I can't stay away from her!". Sam was yelling, the entire hospital hallway turning to watch the heated exchange.

"What?". Oliver's face was dazed and confused as he stopped walking and stared at Sam.

"Yeah Oliver, I can feel her".

"Seriously? And you can't stay away because?".

"I can feel her, but it's like it's more too?".

"And you've kept this to yourself because?".

"I don't want to scare her into running okay. I don't want her to think that it's the only reason I want to be around her".

Oliver stared at Sam, a smile forming on his lips, before it slid off.

"Have you fallen for her?".

Sam looked away before looking back at Oliver, his silence enough of an answer.

"You know how wrong it is right?".

"She's not my rookie anymore Oliver". Sam handed Oliver the bag before he turned away and resumed his strides towards the doors.

"Sammy, you know how this ends, it's not fair to her. Where are you going?". Oliver called after Sam's retreating form.

"To find her". Sam called back, his strides never wavering.

******Thanks for reading! **

*******okay, so let me know what you think in another one of those awesome thoughts you leave by using the little box underneath here - .****͡▹**

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**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	11. Feeling You

**As always, thanks for the awesome reviews! **

**Thanks to Kelly2727 & the regulars!**

**Welcome to the newbies!**

**Chapter 11- **

Sam knocked on her front door, and waited.

He heard the shuffling sounds of her behind it, but no sound indicating that she intended on opening the door.

"Andy please open the door".

Another thirty seconds passed before he heard the telltale sounds of the door unlocking and it cracked open to show a small portion of her face.

"What do you want?".

"Five minutes?".

"Sam, just say what you came to say so you can leave".

"I'm sorry I didn't think it was that important".

His voice was humble, his face honest.

"You don't think that it was important? Sam something like that could have gotten you killed without even knowing it! And I didn't know because you didn't trust me enough to tell me. Oliver told me". Andy moved to push the door closed in Sam's face but he put his hand out to stop it.

"Sam please just go away".

"Not until you listen. I didn't tell you because... It doesn't matter why, but it sure as hell wasn't because I don't trust you. I asked Boyko to TO with you, and I asked for you on the club overnight because I trust you, now I need you to trust me okay?".

"You asked to TO me?". She knew he asked for her on the UC, but she never even thought that he was serious when he admitted to it.

"Yup".

"Why?".

"Because of your passion that day, your determination".

Andy felt the slight flustered feeling he so often made spread over her cheeks.

Andy's neighbour's came past at that moment, Sam pulling his hand off the door so he wouldn't appear to be attempting to force his way in.

Andy held the door open for him to come in seeing her neighbour's faces as they watched Sam.

Sam stepped inside, the familiar room suddenly feeling like it was hotter than it probably was.

Andy moved into the kitchen leaving Sam just inside the doorway and came back with two beers.

Handing Sam a bottle, she watched his reaction carefully, before she saw all she needed to know.

She watched Sam as her fingers brushed intentionally over his, his face giving away the moment of contact.

Andy pulled her hand back, a gasp freeing itself audibly making Sam's focus shift from their hands to her face.

Since leaving the hospital Andy let timeless things run through her mind as strange things started to make more sense.

Now with Sam here, she tested her theory because right now that was all she had.

"You...you...". She was speechless as she began stepping backwards, her face crumbling into a look of shock.

"Don't Andy".

"You feel me don't you!". It came out as a fact, not a question because she knew, she'd figured it out.

"Were you ever going to tell me?". She was an octave below screaming but she didn't care.

"I've only ever felt you".

The realization hit Andy like a ton of bricks as her thighs hit the back of the couch.

"What?". She was still disbelieving though.

"Andy, I don't feel things, but for some reason I can feel you".

Sam waited for the ensuing explosion from her, the conclusion of that being the reason he was around so much sure to follow suite.

But it never came.

The room lapsed into silence as she looked at him with so many questions.

"I can't remember what human...touch feels like, I just remember my mothers fingers felt like feathers, her touch so soft I had to sometimes look to feel it. And I haven't felt anyone but you".

Sam saw her lips tug up into a slight smile before she turned the reddest shade of pink he'd ever seen anyone go.

"That night...at the club...".

To this day Andy would swear that Sam blushed at the mention of the heated kiss and why it suddenly became so heated.

"You tried to tell me, when you said we've never been partners, when you said it's different?". Sam nodded, he had been on the verge of letting it slip but couldn't bring himself to in case she didn't take it well.

Andy leaned off the back of the couch and made slow movements back towards Sam who looked like he'd just been put through the ringer.

"I wouldn't have...if I'd known I...". Andy couldn't bring herself to lie, to finish the sentence.

She'd been tempted more than once to kiss him, but everytime just didn't feel right, not that the night at the club had been the right time, but she'd always sucked at having good timing.

She saw Sam's eyes flash with something she couldn't place just as she stopped talking and stood in front of him looking up in time to see it before he pushed it away.

"I didn't say I regretted doing it, I just wouldn't have done it if I'd known".

Sam saw a familiar look cross her face, one he'd seen a few times before, but one that she had followed through with only once.

Just as she started leaning in towards him, Sam stepped back and put a hand on her arm holding her away from him, and stopping her from closing the distance between them.

"Don't...". Sam really didn't have the strength to stop her a second time if she tried, his resolve could only take so much before it broke.

"I came to say that I found a way...". That just didn't sound right.

"Remember I said I'd find a way to tell you? If I had to...".

Sam didn't need to finish this time, the recognition on her face told her that she understood.

"When?". She still hadn't moved away, so Sam let go of her arm and stepped out of her personal space, giving her the option to back away.

"Tomorrow morning".

"How long?".

"I don't know, I have no idea".

He'd made a call to Boyd on his way over here when he saw that he had missed seven calls from him while in the ER.

Boyd had a way in for him, a UC that would lead him in the right direction of catching Anton Hill, as well as Joseph and Daniel.

And best of all, he would be under their noses without them even knowing it.

If it was any other target he would have said no, but because it was them he couldn't.

Andy looked away, her eyes gazing over the floor, her arms wrapped around her waist.

"I need to do this". Sam said moving towards Andy, his fingers lifting her chin so that she would look at him.

"I know, you've been waiting for this".

"No it's not what you think. This is something I need to do, no one else can".

"Is it about the guys at the club?".

Her fear was evident in her voice.

Sam nodded, no point in denying it when she already knew it.

"Sam...".

"I have to do this Andy, and I will be back".

He just felt that she needed to know that.

"Don't make promises you can't keep". Andy said letting her face pull away from his fingertips.

Sam let her go, moving back, the door becoming a lot closer.

Andy tried to force a weak smile but failed miserably, while Sam kept backing towards the door.

"I'll see you round". Sam said just as his hand reached the door and turned the handle to pull it open.

Sam turned just in time to hear her call his name on a whispered breath before he turned around and she slammed right into him.

For the second time in his life Sam felt the world fall away and reality cease to exist as Andy once again let her lips claim his.

But it was wrong.

This still wasn't how this was supposed to be happening.

Sam put his hands on her face and softly pushed her away, her breath fanning out over his face as she opened her eyes to see him.

"Don't". Sam's voice was failing miserably to remain neutral, and even though it sounded hoarse and husky he was sure there was raw emotion in it too.

"Why not?".

"Because I can't keep doing this Andy. You're the only one I've ever felt, I can't have this now and it's not here when I come back, and I can't stay".

Sam hoped that would make sense, that she would understand what he was saying.

"Stay...just for tonight?". Andy wasn't giving in, wasn't giving up without a fight.

"I...". Sam didn't have time to finish as Andy moved back into his personal space and silenced him in her own way.

Sam watched Andy as she slept, the most content look on her face.

His hand would fiddle with her hair, feeling its smooth silkyness, before it moved to her bare shoulder and ran over her warm skin. His hand had even fluttered down to her chest and come to rest over her heart, on top of the sheet, where it remained still for a long while feeling the soft pitter-patter of her heartbeat.

She stirred slightly and turned towards him, a sigh escaping her lips as her breath tickled his chest.

Memories of the last few hours splurged through his mind, confirming their now jagged existence that would forever be stamped on his frontal lobe.

Her lingering kisses and fire-igniting touch had been warm and gentle, her caresses making him shiver under her fingertips.

Silently sliding out of her bed, Sam went in search of his clothes and pulled them back on.

Pausing in her bedroom doorway, he drank the sight of her in for as long as he knew was possible before making his way over to the end of the bed.

Leaning down Sam brushed his lips over her temple, before inhaling her scent one last time.

Andy felt him slip out of her reach knowing that it was time for him to leave.

She'd been awake for hours, and felt his gaze on her without having to open her eyes. She felt him tangle his hand in her hair, feeling new sensations causing him to explore.

His hand brushed over her shoulder before winding down to her heart where it came to rest.

In that moment Andy tried to stifle a sob, so she rolled over before it was entirely withheld.

Sam lay there, content to just be close as his hand moved to tuck itself around her before pulling her closer.

She lay for hours listening to his heartbeat as it echoed through the silence of the night, until it drifted away when he moved out of bed.

When he came back and kissed her goodbye, then when he moved to inhale her, Andy felt like she was being punished for the unknown sin's she had committed in another life.

She held her breath hoping to fool him into believing that she was still asleep, not wanting to face the regret she might find in his eyes with an awkward goodbye.

When she heard her front door click as it closed, she let the first tear break free before regret began to pulsate through her.

She needed to say goodbye.

Jumping out of bed, Andy grabbed the sweatshirt and pants that lay on the top of the chest of drawers before racing through her apartment trying to make it to the door.

A sparkle caught her eyes as it flashed in glow of the light when she flicked it on.

Pausing just long enough to take in the sight, Andy's heart came to a sudden stop when she saw Sam's badge and a set of keys laying on the half-moon shaped table next to her front door.

A hastily scribbled note folded in half, propped up next to them.

Andy,

If you need a place to go for any reason, go to Sarah.

Her address is 475 Mullhullen Drive St Catherines.

Do not hesitate, she will help you.

Please trust me.

Hold on to my badge for me?

Stay out of trouble!

Sam.

Andy felt her hand begin to tremble as she reread Sam's note, her desperation to find him and say goodbye dripping from her as her mind raced.

For some reason she was scared, scared that Sam was in some major trouble, and scared that he might no be coming back.

Ever.

*******okay, so let me know what you think in another one of those awesome thoughts you leave by using the little box underneath here - .****͡▹**

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**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	12. Collateral Damage

**Thanks for rocking my world with all your awesome reviews!**

**Thanks to Kelly2727 & the regulars!**

**Welcome to the newbies!**

**Chapter 12- Collateral Damage**

Three weeks of working down at the docks was seriously not his idea of having fun, and although it was supposed to be a good way in, Sam was doubting that Boyd had any idea of how to actually infiltrate any kind of organized crime unit.

The whole object of this was to become all buddy-buddy with a guy by the name of Wesley Newton, and get him to flip on how things were run and how the Hill's fitted into the whole picture.

He had made headway with Newt as he was know when he had been informed that Anna, Newts pregnant girlfriend had been arrested on possession charges, Boyd's idea of bringing them closer by forcing Sam to approach Newt with the friendly shoulder his cover personality just had to offer.

Newt was down in the dumps, so Sam approached and lent a sympathetic ear while listening to Newt babble on about his big dreams to one day marry this girl.

Sam must have had a far away look on his face while he listened because suddenly Newt asked him if he could relate.

So he related by answering that his girl was serving a five year sentence in the State Pen for trafficking.

Newt seemed shocked that a guy like him would wait for a girl stuck in prison, so he just had to go and drop the bomb of asking Sam what she was like.

An image of Andy sprang to mind, so he described her.

Keep it as close to the truth as possible right?

That had been last week, and this week he had met up with Newt a few times after work to aimlessly play pool and just generally talk crap over beer.

Newt was one of the guys higher up on the food chain, so he was the obvious target of choice in order to gain information.

Until he mentioned to Sam that he liked him and though he'd go far in this business, so he'd taken it upon himself to mention to the boss that he had a guy in his crew that was just killer.

That had been yesterday, and today Sam was on edge that the boss just might come down here and put a bullet between his eyes for not backing off.

At eleven Sam was called down to the front desk, the receptionist had a delivery for him.

Approaching the front desk Sam was a little lost when a wreath was handed to him, a small card attached to it.

The wreath looked like the ones that they usually had at the funerals of TPD officers.

Sam inhaled a sharp breath before flipping the card over to find an address scrawled on the back.

It took his mind all of two seconds to understand the meaning of the message and the address.

He'd been there a few times with Andy, when she needed a ride, and once when she needed to pick the lock because keys had been locked inside and the resident outside.

Grabbing his phone out his pocket, Sam took off running while dumping the wreath on the floor as his feet padded heavily over it.

"Sammy?". Jerry answered on the first ring.

"Where's McNally?". Sam yelled into the phone before he could contain himself.

"I have no idea, she's off rotation I think 'coz Nash is off too...".

"Jerry you need to find her now, and send units to Tommy McNally's house". Sam cut him off just as he reached the end of the street and hailed a cab.

"Is there a threat in play?". Jerry said, Sam could hear him moving around, probably on his way to find Frank.

"Yup, got a funeral wreath and Tommy McNally's address attached to it, so find them now Jerry". Sam said before hanging up and getting into the cab where he gave the driver Tommy McNally's address.

Andy loved having off days, it meant way too many tequilas at the Penny with everyone the night before and sleeping late the next morning.

Like today.

She would get up and take a shower, have coffee for breakfast and the lounge around for a while.

Later on she would take her uniforms to the dry cleaners and do her normal washing at home, because when it came to ironing pleats, she just didn't get it quite right.

Waking up at eleven-fifteen am was the life.

Andy busied herself with the mundane household chores she had to do before deciding to take her uniform to the cleaners when her coffee was done.

By now it was just before one pm, and her day was just starting.

A knock at her door made her wonder if Traci was stopping by for lunch.

Opening the door, Andy would never forget how it felt to have your heart wrenched out, or how it felt to loose the only thing in life that had ever given up everything for her.

Noelle and Oliver stood outside her door, their faces filled with sadness and remorse.

"McNa...Andy, can we sit down?". Oliver was the first to speak, Andy merely nodding letting them in before making her way to sit next to Noelle in silence.

She knew what this was, this was the part of the job she hated the most, the part of the job that weighed heavily on every cops afterthoughts for the rest of their lives, the faces that sat in front of them when this was done, stayed forever in their memories.

This was a death notification, but for who she wasn't quite sure yet.

"Andy, do you want me to call Traci?". Noelle added, giving Andy the piece of mind that her friend was safe.

Andy shook her head, before whispering out a "Who?" Although she really didn't want to know.

"Miss McNally it is with great...". Oliver began the speech they usually recited to families that they informed had lost a loved one, but he stopped suddenly, the words refusing to come out.

The speech differed slightly from informing the average person, to when you went to inform a colleague about their fallen partner, or the family of a cop, retired or still active that part was insignificant, but the words now, just seemed to fail at what he was trying to say.

He wasn't just informing 'Someone', he was informing one of his underlings, one of his closest rookies that her father had died and somehow the moment just didn't deserve words that would be used for just anyone, she deserved better, and so did Tommy McNally.

"Andy, I'm so sorry to tell you this, but your dad was attacked in his home this morning, and...he um... He didn't make it". Oliver eventually managed to form the words and let them waft out.

He watched as his words were heard by Andy, her face contorting into the most pained expression he'd ever seen.

"No". She whispered between the tears, her sobs escalating as her head shook in denial.

Sam met Jerry at Tommy McNally's house exactly seventeen minutes later.

He was stopped from entering by an unknown uniform at the door, but Jerry waved him in, Sam's eyes frantically searching for the face of the victim.

"Sammy, you can't be here". Jerry pulled him out the room by the arm, hoping this would not be spread around.

"Who is it Jerry?".

"It's Tommy, they cut him up pretty badly". Jerry ran a hand over his face as the memory of Tommy's face splurged through his mind. The man bled out in excruciating pain.

"Joseph?". Sam said as the heat of rage began to run through his veins.

Jerry nodded, he knew Joseph's handiwork, the man was exceptionally cruel with the blade of a knife.

He liked to extend prolonged pain over his victims, slicing them and torturing them until they wished the pain would end and death would claim them.

He always left a mark on their face, his signature, but even still they had no surviving victims and no solid evidence to lock him away on. Girls around town were seen baring the same mark, usually somewhere on their backs, his way of branding them like cattle so everyone would know that she was a girl possessed by a Hill.

"He put up a hell of a fight Sam".

Sam nodded, Tommy was just that type of person, no going down without a fight.

"Want to tell me why he has anything to do with this?". Jerry added. He was well aware of what Sam was working on, he was one of the two detectives working the case, Boyd being Guns and Gangs detective on it.

"He saw me with Andy at the club".

Jerry drew in a loud breath, he knew that she was Sam's weakness, his only weakness and if Joseph planned on going after Sam, she was the perfect way to get to him.

"Does she know?". Sam's voice was hallow, void of any emotion as his brain began to process that he was the reason that she would have to go through this, he was the reason Tommy McNally would soon be moved to the morgue.

If he had stayed away from her, none of this would be happening.

"Noelle and Oliver went to tell her, they'll take her down to the barn so we can keep an eye on her because we kind of figured she could use it right now".

Jerry put a hand on Sam's shoulder before moving away, he had a crime scene to comb for evidence and figured Sam would probably want to go find McNally.

Twenty minutes later, Sam was pacing around the barn like a caged animal.

He had been waiting for Oliver and Noelle to come back to the barn with Andy. But he wasn't sure if he would handle seeing her now without flying off the handle.

Then suddenly his eyes found Noelle walking through the barn, her hands wrapped around Andy's arms like she was holding her up. Andy's head was down, her face obscured from view, her movements automatic like her brain wasn't processing her actions.

Sam took a small step towards them catching Noelle's eye, only for her to give him a pointed look and a shake of her head telling him that it was not a good idea.

Sam watched Noelle lead Andy out of sight as they closed the door behind them when she lead her into one of the lounges they used for victims.

That just sounded so wrong, Andy and victim in the same sentence.

Jerry made his presence know when he made his way over to Sam, a curious look on his face.

"Any ideas on what to do with her?" Jerry's tone didn't hide the fact that he was giving Sam leeway to play his answer any way he wanted too.

"Yeah, ask her if she has somewhere to go for a few days, like maybe out of town" Sam's tone was dry, his eyes still fixated on an empty hallway.

"Sam as far as I know, Tommy was her only family, she doesn't have anywhere to go, not her, not out of town"

"I know, that's why I gave her Sarah's keys. Just plant the idea Jerry".

Jerry stared at Sam, his poker face not keeping up with his thoughts.

"You gave her Sarah's keys? You would actually let her go there?" Sam nodded at Jerry's question.

"And when she gets there? When she sees…."

"Jerry I know okay, but it's safer for her there, and if she finds out… I haven't been hiding it from her, it's just not a great conversation topic".

Sam walked off leaving Jerry to in turn watch him walk away as his mind rolled over possibilities and thoughts in silence.

Finding McNally in the lounge wasn't hard to do, he knew she would be in there, waiting for information.

At least Traci had arrived by now, he called her the second Sam walked away.

He knew Sam was blaming himself and couldn't face McNally right now, so he called Traci to be there for her friend, who really needed someone.

The only thing that didn't make sense to him right now is why Sammy would willingly let his rookie go to his sister's house, unless she wasn't just his rookie anymore.

Opening the door and stepping into the room, Jerry found Andy laying on the couch, her head quietly nestled in Traci's lap, her friend gently soothing her by running her hand over her back.

"McNally, we'll get this guy. But for now is there somewhere you can stay for a few days?"

Traci rolled her eyes at the stupidity of the question, did he really have to ask her that when he knew she was more than welcome to stay at her place.

"Maybe out of town?" Jerry added causing Andy to bolt upright and into a sitting position.

"Jerry why do I need to go out of town? I need to arrange a funeral, and sort out his stuff…." Andy's voice trailed off in sadness .

"Andy we have suspects, but right now nothing solid enough to make an arrest. We need to make sure that you'll be okay until we can confirm that there is no threat posed to anyone else"

"What? You think they'd come after Andy?" Traci shrieked, her eyes narrowing as she stared at Jerry.

"There is always a possibility. That's the only reason I don't recommend she stays with you" At least he was being honest, he really did have her and Leo's safety in mind.

"The coroner will do a post mortem and only release your dads body in a few days, so if there is somewhere…"

Jerry loathed doing this, lying to one of their own, his girlfriend's best friend, but he had too, if he was going to help Sammy keep her safe.

"I've got somewhere to go" Andy whispered quietly, the keys Sam left her flashing through her mind.

*********Thanks for reading!**

*******okay, so let me know what you think in another one of those awesome thoughts you leave by using the little box underneath here - .****͡▹**

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**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	13. Far Away

**Thanks as always to all the regulars & Kelly2727! You guys never cease to amaze me!**

**Also thanks to LadyGeminiJ for the shoutout & Compliment! Her work is awesome too! **

**Thanks for all the awesome reviews, compliments & PM's you guys have sent! **

**Special thanks to LazerWolf314 for letting me know that the Rookie Blue Choice Awards will be running again in 2013! **

**Anyway, here's more...**

**Chapter 13- Far Away **

Andy went home with Noelle, it was too late to leave Toronto now and she really didn't want to arrive on Sarah's doorstep in the middle of the night.

Noelle gave her some space, leaving her to her own thoughts and then she would suddenly appear and be comforting.

Andy appreciated it, but it wasn't really who she wanted here right now.

Andy was up before the sun rose the next morning, sleepless hours carried her through the night, fitful memories of what she should have said, or done differently, carried her through the night, childhood memories and whispered words making up most of her dreams.

Noelle was on protective duty with her, she would take her to her apartment when a squad car arrived at eight am, where she would wait for Andy to pack a bag before she would bundle her into the squad car that would take her to wherever it was she thought was a good place to lay low for a few days. They didn't ask her that information, and had a squad from 27th division assisting, just to help keep the details they knew to a bare minimum.

Sam spent the entire night outside Noelle's apartment with Oliver in his car.

When Jerry had told him that Noelle had volunteered to take Andy home, Sam was more than a little grateful that he had friends like these, Oliver appearing minutes later with his car keys in his hands and a comment that Sam had better make sure that he packs enough to snack on to keep them busy for the night shift.

Sam was amazed that Oliver didn't need to be asked, but rather offered, probably his way of making sure Sam stayed out of more trouble.

They casually drifted over conversation from poker nights, to the Maple Leafs game last saturday, to Oliver suddenly blurting out that Sam should talk to Andy.

Sam stared at him, wondering when it had become a necessity for him to talk to his rookie, so he just answered that they talk all the time.

"That's not what I meant brother. You need to tell her the truth". Oliver took a bite of his burger, but his eyes remained firmly on Sam.

"How exactly am I supposed to do that?". Sam knew that Oliver knew, that they were here to make sure that if Joseph came after her, that she had a fighting chance of surviving.

He also knew that Sam was blaming himself for Tommy and that it would probably kill a piece of McNally to find out that her father was killed as a warning to Sam.

"She should know Sam, before someone else tells her".

Sam looked out the window, his heart knew Oliver was right, but where would that leave them?

He couldn't bring himself to face her, to tell her that.

Eight am arrived, Noelle bundled her into the cruiser waiting downstairs after giving her a hug goodbye.

The drive to St Catherines was made with comfortable conversation between her Andrews and Davis as they drove her to her destination.

They didn't pry into her reason for an escort out of town, for which she was grateful, but when they gave her their pitiful looks, she was ready to scream.

When they pulled up outside Sarah's house, Andy took in the quaint home, with its large front lawn. It was suburbia, at its best.

The cruiser waited parked next to the sidewalk, as Andy raised her hand to ring the bell, her hand trembling as her fingertip pressed the button.

The bell chimed, and Andy heard movement behind the door, before it flew open and she came face to face with Sarah Swarek.

"Can I help you?".

Her tone was so similar to Sam's, it was unbelievable, her looks not far from his either.

"Hi I'm Andy...McNally?". Andy's voice failed her, as she waited for Sarah's response.

Sarah's eye stretched, just a little before understanding seemed to crease her features.

She held the door open, and motioned for Andy to come in before she noted the cruiser behind her pull away from the sidewalk and drive off into the distance.

"I'm sorry...". Andy mumbled as Sarah closed the door and came to stand next to her, her eyes giving Andy the once over.

"Sam said if I needed a place to go, he left me your address...".

Sarah nodded, before walking off and then stopping to look at Andy before walking off shaking her head.

Andy followed, her steps slow and unsure.

"You in some kind of trouble?". Sarah's voice drew out the kitchen as Andy stepped into the room, her hand clutching the strap of her bag tightly with nerves.

"No...my um dad was killed yesterday, so they asked if I could maybe get out of town for a few days in case...".

Sarah busied herself with starting coffee, but her movements were stopped as soon as Andy said that her father had been killed.

"I'm sorry, you know, to hear about him". Sarah said after watching Andy in silence for a while.

Finding her brothers rookie on her front doorstep on a sunday morning wasn't how she planned on ending her weekend.

Just as Sarah was about to pour the boiled water into their cups, a soft voice called out drawing Andy and Sarah's attention to two kids that suddenly came running into the kitchen.

"Don't run in the house". Sarah scolded the little one as she ran into Sarah's legs before wrapping her arms around them.

She was tiny, dark hair just above her shoulders.

The second one was in her teens, and almost Sarah's height as she walked into the kitchen and eyed Andy from under eyes that had earrings pierced in the brows.

"Don't stare". Sarah scolded the teen, who whipped an apple out of the fruit bowl on the counter before retreating from the room.

"Sorry, no manners. The kids of today". Sarah said as she bent down to scoop the little girl up.

"Just...I dunno, make yourself at home, I need to sort her out".

Andy tried to find a weak smile as Sarah walked off, leaving her alone in the kitchen.

Andy wondered back into the lounge, her eyes taking in a few photos of Sam hung up on the walls before Sarah joined her again.

Sarah put the little girl into her feeding chair before calling to Andy through the kitchen door as she busied herself with pouring cereals before she set it down in front of the delighted face.

"So you're the rookie that burned Sammy". Sarah's words were stated rather than asked, Andy nodding as she pinched her lips together.

"He didn't say you were that pretty". Sarah added, breaking the tense silence surrounding them.

Sarah handed her a cup of coffee when she finally finishing making it, her smile warming up slightly.

"So how long you been his rookie?".

"Almost a year".

"So you know about his...?".

"Yup, Oliver told me".

"Oliver told you?". Sarah's tone held back words Andy probably didn't want to hear.

"When Sam got shot..".

"He got shot?". Sarah's voice ragged with panic before Andy added a few more words.

"He's okay, it hit him in the arm".

"And he didn't feel it right?".

Andy shook her heard verifying Sarah's words.

"But he feels you".

Andy's head whipped around to let startled eyes settle on Sarah.

"He told me he can feel you".

Sarah watched Andy's face flood with color, her lips twitching at the corners as she fought off a smile.

"Must be hard, you know their age differences". Andy said, looking for a way to make conversation, as the teen sped through the room.

"It would be better if her dad would come see her more often". Sarah said as she set a cup of juice down in front of the child.

"Oh... I thought...". What? That Sarah was married because she had two kids that had an age difference of about twelve or thirteen years.

"He didn't tell you did he?". Sarah. Looked kind of pissed off, the same look of annoyance on her face that would run over Sam's.

"I'm sorry?".

"Sam, didn't tell you that either did he?".

"Sam doesn't really tell me anything, he kind of has serious trust issues with that".

Sarah stared at Andy, before shaking her head, carefully formulating the right words before speaking.

"Nope, he wouldn't have let you come here if he did, trust me".

"How you figure that?". Andy really had no idea why they were even talking about Sam or what he was supposed to tell her.

"Micayla here isn't mine, she's Sam's".

Andy felt the world tilt on its axis as she heard Sarah's words play over in her mind.

'She's Sam's'.

And then she felt mad, like really pissed off, not because he didn't tell her, but because he was so ashamed of such a little thing that he couldn't tell her.

Her mind suddenly wondered if Oliver or Jerry knew about her.

Why would he even do that, hide her away from the world?

He didn't seem like the type, then again she was learning something new about him everyday, even though he wasn't anywhere near her.

Looking at the child sitting her her chair playing with her cereals, Andy's mind had one final thought before it froze- did he feel his daughter?

*******okay, so let me know what you think in another one of those awesome thoughts you leave by using the little box underneath here - .****͡▹**

**Have an awesome day!**

**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	14. Wearing the Smile You Left Me With

**Thabnks for the awesome reviews, you guys really know how to make my day! **

**Glad I gave you all a surprise, more coming I promise!**

**Welcome to the newbies!**

**Thanks to the regulars & the awesome Kelly2727! Hope you'll check out her fic's too! **

**& got a new one up- maybe he'll notice her now, so swing by there too!**

**Chapter 14-**

**Wearing the Smile You Left Me With. **

Sarah watched Andy's reaction very carefully, scrutinizing her every move.

It was really unlike Sam to let anyone come near her or Micayla, but if he told here to come here, then there was more to it than what met her eyes.

Sam was overly protective, but when it came to Micayla he was like the devil reincarnate.

She knew that Sam was in way over his head entangled with Joseph, so she figured that he was somehow tied to Andy's fathers death. She also figured that when it came to Andy, Sam was in way over his head and knew it had nothing to do with the fact that he felt her.

"I just thought you should know".

Andy nodded, trying to keep her face from divulging too many emotions.

"How old is she?".

Her voice found a life of its own as she asked Sarah the question.

"She just turned two, a few months ago". Sarah smiled, a sad smile as she looked at her niece.

"Her mother died when she was three months old, she used Sammy as a distraction so he never knew. Child services showed up at his door one day, and just handed her over, you know, because he's a cop. He drove to Oliver's house, knocked on the door and handed her to Zoe saying 'I can't do this' before getting in his truck and driving away. He got two blocks before turning around, going back, knocking on the door and asking Zoe to give her back. When he was assigned the UC you blew, he brought her here and she's just kinda stayed. Don't get me wrong Sam loves her, he cherishes her, he's just not stable enough to raise a kid in his opinion".

Andy listened intently to Sarah while she watched Micayla play with her cereal more than she was eating it.

"He's a good guy Andy, he'd do anything to keep those he loves safe, I guess this is his way of keeping her safe".

Andy didn't know if she should feel privileged that Sam would let her into this part of his life, or if she should be pissed with him for neglecting to mention that he had a two year old daughter.

But then again she didn't really have any claim on him to be mad enough that he tried to keep his child a secret, because he was trying to keep her safe.

Sarah's phone chose that moment to ring, its tune wafting through the air.

"Detective Dunn". She answered before shooting her gaze to Andy who seemed surprised that she was a detective, another thing Sam obviously neglected to mention.

"Hang on...Say hello Daddy". Sarah handed the phone to Micayla who's face brightened at the word Daddy.

"Dadda". She ogled into the phone.

Andy watched mesmerized as Micayla spoke to Sam on the phone, sudden memories of him on the phone coming to mind.

He had made a few calls where Andy heard his tone soften and his speech become inadvertently low as he usually tried to sneak off to make the calls.

She often thought he was dating as a result, and rolled her eyes at her own incorrect conclusions.

He had obviously been talking to Micayla, and not some woman.

Sarah took the phone back, before walking away to have the rest of her conversation in private as all Andy heard was "She's here".

Sarah came back into the room less than five minutes later, holding the phone out to her.

Andy shook her head, she wasn't ready to have this conversation.

"He said please?". Sarah mumbled in an attempt to convince her.

Letting out a heavy sigh, Andy took the phone from Sarah and whispered a soft hi into it.

"Hey". His voice sounded so distant, even though it was on the other end of the line.

The silence was deafening, her ability to speak rendered void due to shock.

"You okay there McNally?". His voice suddenly grabbed her attention.

"I'm fine".

"Andy...seriously? How are you holding up?". He knew her better than she knew herself most of the time.

"Why didn't you tell me? Or is that just something else you didn't trust me to know?". Her voice was razor sharp as she bit the words out.

"Andy don't..."

"Don't what Sam? How can you just leave her? She's so small, and so precious and you just abandon her?".

"I'd never abandon her, she's better off there".

"Seriously? Sam when was the last time you saw her? You should have seen her face when she heard that you're on the phone".

"Andy, don't. I didn't call to do this now". Sam's voice was tense and she could just see him pinching his nose in frustration.

"If not now then when? When are you going to take her home Sam? She deserves to be at home with you. I heard what happened to her mother, so she will never see it as her mother abandoning her, but you? I would never have pegged you as the kind of person to do this".

Sam sighed into her ear, he knew this would turn out to be a mistake before he even made the call.

"She deserves to have her father there, to teach her things and kiss her better when she falls, and to make her feel better when she's sick, she doesn't deserve to have her mother and father abandon her".

Andy's voice was rising until it reached breaking point, a soft sob drifting into the phone as Sam realized that it wasn't Micayla she was talking about, it was herself.

"Andy stop. You're upset and I get it, I just wish...". Sam's words broke off into more breathing as his minds filter kicked in before he said 'that I didn't have to put you through this'.

Andy's hand trembled as she held the phone to her ear, sad images of her dad during her childhood on auto play in her mind.

"Wish what?".

"That I was there" okay, so that wasn't far from the truth, he really did wish it.

"How'd you know where I was?". As far as she knew he was still UC, so how did he know?

"I'm out for a few days, I saw you at the barn...I've gotta go Andy. Whatever happens, Sarah's got your back".

That just didn't make sense to her, his behavior so erratically out of character.

"Yeah".

"See you round McNally". Sam didn't wait for her reply, he cut the call and turned to face Jerry.

"You're going back in?".

Sam nodded, he really didn't have a choice. They wanted him, so they were going to get him.

"You know that's kind of insane right".

Sam nodded, but it had to end.

"Sammy, when she comes home she's going to have a million questions, what am I supposed to tell her?". Jerry's voice was hushed as he peered at Sam hoping to get some palpable answers.

"Tell her the truth Jerry. Just don't mention me, that's something I need to tell her". Sam's voice was wrapped up in the anguish he was feeling at knowing that he would have to tell her the truth.

"That bad huh?". Sarah said holding out a kleenex that somehow managed to appear out of nowhere.

Andy willed the tears to stay at bay, but they wouldn't obey her command, and made their presence know as they silently rolled over her cheeks.

"It shouldn't be this way". Andy managed to mumble out, her voice cracking under the pressure of her emotions.

"I know. Life is hard, but talking from experience, living life is even harder. You have a lot to deal with, but don't let it get between you and Sam, he's a good guy Andy, and if he let you come here, that's more trust than I've ever seen him extend to anyone".

Sarah's voice was soft and humble, her words warming Andy's flaking heart.

"I know, I kind of figured that out... But you know, he's just...so confusing, and I don't really know how to deal with him, and my dad...".

Sarah had a sad smile on her face, the young woman speaking so earnestly made her understand a bit more of why Sam was so drawn to her.

Looking back at Micayla, who was now out of her feeding chair and on the lounge carpet playing with a range of toys, Andy felt her heart warm at the sight of something so small and precious.

"Does he feel her?". She suddenly blurted, her eyes swinging back to meet Sarah's shocked face.

"Nope, you're...". Sarah stared at Andy, not wanting to add more to her already overloaded system.

"Yup, he told me that. He remembers your mothers touch, describes it like feathers".

"He actually told you that?". Sarah was failing at hiding her surprise, Sam hadn't told anyone besides Jerry and Oliver about his affliction, and then there was her.

"He's so good with her, whenever he's here. He's always holding on to her, and I can't even imagine what its like for him to not feel her". Sarah's voice held a tinge of sadness, her eyes following Andy's to watch Micayla play.

"Was it always like that for him?". Andy couldn't help but pry into the situation, she really had no idea how he became the way he was, but she just felt like she needed to know.

"He hasn't told you about it?".

Andy shook her head, making Sarah exhale a long breath.

"It was because of something he saw when he was just a kid, something no kid should ever have to see. After that, he was just so detached that he lost himself, until you came along. I'm sorry I would really like to tell you more, but that's up to Sammy. If he's let you come this far, and this close, he will tell you eventually, so I'm not going to say anymore. But I will say that you're really good for him". Sarah watched Andy's face lift slightly as her lips found a tiny smile, although it didn't quite reach her eyes, they were still marred with so much sadness.

"So you're a cop?". Andy changed the subject drastically, willing herself to drift away from the sadness that seemed to surround her.

"Something else he didn't tell you?". Sarah said, her voiced richly laced with humor.

Andy nodded, words just seeming so unnecessary.

"Me and Spencer, my husband are detectives". Sarah said as she walked over to Micayla and scooped her up, moving closer to Andy, who now really took Micayla in.

She had the same dark eyes and dark hair, her jaw more of a square but yet it was soft in its curvature.

She hadn't seen her smile yet, so she didn't know if she carried Sam's dimples too.

"Let's get you settled, and I'll make us some breakfast". Just like Sam, Sarah didn't ask, she told, but not in a forceful way, it was more like the motherly tone Traci often had.

Over the next few days, Andy tried to keep herself busy with Sarah and her family at work or school. She spent most days sleeping and most nights tossing between the foreign sheets in Sarah's spare room.

She watched the family interaction across the dinner table, and the way each member of the family had their own special way of bonding with Micayla, something she had only ever truly experienced with Traci and Leo.

Her thoughts would drift to Sam and she would worry that he was making the wrong choice by going back undercover, then she would reflect over memories of her dad, and the sadness would return.

After five days at Sarah's house, Andy decided to go home.

The night before she was supposed to leave she stayed up late with Sarah showing her a few photos of Sam growing up, and plenty of Sam with Micayla as a tiny baby.

The love and adoration she saw in his eyes as he looked at Micayla was unmistakable and made her feel guilty for even accusing him of being a bad father.

They sipped wine and each told stories of things they remembered about Sam, Andy's heart weighing heavy as a sudden longing set in.

Their lives had become so interconnected that without him she felt his absence strike a nerve.

She had been worried about him since he left, but her last memory of him was at least a happy one.

Everyday since then, well most of the time anyway, she had been wearing the smile that he left her with.

*******okay, so let me know what you think in another one of those awesome thoughts you leave by using the little box underneath here - .****͡▹**

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**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	15. From Dusk Till Dawn

**As always, you guys know how to blow me away! Thanks for all the awesome reviews!**

**Thanks to the regulars & the awesome Kelly2727 & SVUgirl25! **

**Welcome to the newbies!**

**Hope you guys will check out my new one up too- Maybe he'll notice her now!**

**Chapter 15- From Dusk Till Dawn. **

Sam had concocted the perfect plan to get back in and get Joseph's attention.

He planned on going in, hitting hard and putting his brothers miserable life to and end, one way or the other.

He was going back in to tell Newt that he had a better offer, and instead offer Newt a job.

His new back story now comprised of him coming into a whole heap of money and a fair amount of coke, a parting gift from a good friend. By now Newt probably knew that he was a cop, so he would tell Newt that he was going to keep doing that for a while, that he would be faking being a cop, and that he was going to concentrate on his newly acquired business opportunity.

He had enough cash and coke from the evidence room to start a profitable business, so it would be believable.

Sam was branching out his small business by main lining over Joseph's turf and was hoping that it would be enough to piss Joseph off into coming after him.

So far the plan was working, Newt's ability to keep no secrets paying off.

A week after setting up the new game plan, with a new cover apartment and all, Sam was making late night rounds to the small time dealers that he was using as a stepping stone to collect cash and distribute some more of his product.

A means of making a name for himself.

Standing in the alley exchanging cash for dope, Sam heard a familiar voice as it drifted past, hidden by the shadows of the night.

Finishing his exchange in a hurry, Sam left Lucy, one of their CI's that was helping him make a name on the street as the new dealer, Sam followed her voice as she giggled into the phone she held to her ear.

He kept a safe distance behind her as she walked down the street, her conversation on the phone bringing a smile to his face as she giggled and gave Nash a mouthful.

She said goodbye and put her phone in her pocket before ducking into a store.

Sam lingered in the alley behind the store, waiting for her to come out. He had the urge to talk to her but didn't know how that would go, so for now he was content to just watch her.

That's where it started.

The stalking.

He was mentally calculating her shifts, and soon after that night he found himself hanging around her building. Sometimes he would stand across the street and watch until her lights went out, and some days he would follow her on trips to the grocery store, always keeping his distance, staying hidden in the shadows and under a hoodie.

By the third week, he was the master of illusion as he disappeared from sight while following her. She was making another late night trip to the store, some inanimate object her reason for a late stroll.

He waited where he usually did, around the corner of the wall in an alley a block down from the store. He watched as she went into the store, time seeming irrelevant as he waited for her to come back passed him on her way home.

Andy grabbed the milk from the fridge and a chocolate bar when she got to the checkout point.

Leaving the store, she wondered aimlessly back towards her apartment, her mind not really focusing on much of everything.

Hands suddenly wrapped around her, one over her mouth, one around her waist as it pulled her backwards, into the darkness that settled between two buildings.

Dropping the milk, Andy began to struggle, her elbows meeting with the hard exterior behind her.

"Sssshhh, I won't hurt you". A voice whispered into her ear, a familiar smell filling her nostrils as she inhaled a shaky breath through her nose.

As soon as she heard his voice, she relaxed, her fighting mode slipping as he released her and she spun around to face him, his name breathed out as she lunged at him.

Sam was slightly shocked by her reaction, and the happiness that glowed on her face as she turned to face him.

He had been fighting the urge to contact her, but his desire to reach out and touch her became too strong. Tonight he finally gave in.

The moment his skin touched hers, he felt the familiar tingle as it made its way up his arm.

Wrapping his arms around her, he breathed in her scent, something he had truly missed.

"What are you doing here?".

She didn't relinquish her hold on him as she spoke, her hug tightening as she thought he was about to back away.

"Have you been following me?". She added after three seconds.

"Yup". He couldn't resist the humor that wrapped itself around his answer.

"Okay" she said, a giggle making its lightness in her tone.

Sam stepped back, forcing Andy to let him go.

"I've...gotta go". Sam said looking past Andy and down the alleyway and street.

"No". Andy's word slipped out before she could stop it.

"I can't stay".

"Just five minutes?". Andy pleaded, her need to apologize to great to let slip. "I just need to say I'm sorry, I shouldn't have overstepped the boundary with Micayla...".

"You didn't". Sam cut her off, her hanging head looking up as he whispered words back.

"But...".

"Don't okay, I didn't come here to do this now. I let you near Micayla, that's supposed to show you that I have more trust in you than I do most people".

Even though they were alone, they were whispering, their voices hushed to barely audible.

"Walk me home". Andy suddenly blurted, dragging Sam down the alley towards the street before he could protest.

"Andy wait, it's too dangerous to be seen with me". Andy pried his hand free of hers as they reached the end of the alley and made it out on to the street.

"Sam, please". She was begging, her face expressing a need to be close to him.

"Andy...". But he didn't have a chance to say more, she walked away leaving him standing there.

She stopped and picked up the bag she dropped, lifting it up to inspect it before her feet made their way down the sidewalk.

Sam sauntered after her, careful to keep a safe distance so that if anyone was watching her, he wouldn't seem attached.

He reached her apartment door, and turned the handle to find the door unlocked.

Slipping inside he couldn't help but feel that this was a very bad idea. He knew that getting close to her was a bad idea to start with, but he just couldn't help himself. But letting himself totally into her personal space- that was just stupid!

He found her finishing coffee she had obviously started making when she realized that she had run out of milk, a cup next to hers for him.

"So how's the UC?". Andy said without looking at him.

"It's good". He really wished that she had picked another topic of conversation.

"Been to see Sarah lately?".

He knew that; that wasn't exactly what she was asking, she wanted to know about Micayla.

"Nope". The guilt in his voice was unmistakable as he uttered out the negative answer.

Andy walked over to him and held out her phone, her eyes daring him to disobey her.

He took the phone and dialed Sarah's number without even having the inclination to not do it.

He spent ten minutes on the phone with Sarah, before she put Micayla on, his heart melting as she yelled "Dadda" in his ear.

Andy watched Sam loose himself in the moment, his entire bad-ass facade falling away to reveal a man that really and truly missed his daughter.

"Thanks" Sam said after he ended the call and held the phone out to Andy. He could see the hundreds of questions she had running across her face as she watched him, her mouth deciding that it was better to keep the questions to herself.

"I don't feel her either". Sam said looking away. The one thing in life he wanted was to feel Micayla wrap him up in a hug or her butterfly kisses as she fluttered them out over his cheek.

"I know". Andy whispered, her hand freezing as it wiped a cloth over the kitchen counter. Sam had never openly volunteered any really personal information to her without her having to drag it out of him.

Andy had spent five days watching Micayla, but never venturing closer than that. Her heart wouldn't let her.

She watched as the child eyed her with equal curiosity, but steered clear of her.

Sarah and her family made Andy feel welcome, but she kept herself at a distance, her already broken heart unwilling to accept such a precious thing into it, with the possibility of it being a casualty one day.

Just watching Micayla was enough to make her start falling in love with her, her wide smile lighting up her face. Her rosy red cheeks that glowed when she was the centre of attention. Her infectious giggle and care free run around the room. It was enough to draw Andy in, but her logical thoughts stopped her from becoming to entangled in something that she wouldn't want to let go one day.

She had no idea where things were going with Sam, but letting that little girl in to have her one day taken out of her life, that thought was just too daunting.

"I...um, didn't feel her mother either". Sam added without giving himself a chance to think about it.

His words made Andy smile and blush, something he really missed seeing, the carefree combination.

"What's it like?".

"What? Not feeling anything?". Andy nodded to his question, her need for answers finally being the dominant winner.

"It's hard. But I...um, it's both physical and emotional, I put I mental block on everything and I don't know how to lift it?". He hoped this was making sense.

"Hot and cold don't feel different, and...come here". Sam held his hand out to Andy who stepped out behind the kitchen counter and let her hand find it.

Sam led her to the doorway that led to her bedroom and asked her to close her eyes.

He was standing in front of her, so his voice was reassuring.

He lifted her one hand and put it on the doorframe, her palm flattening out over the wood.

He took her other hand in his and held on to it, it's warmth radiating through her skin.

"That's what I feel" Sam said touching her hand that was on the doorframe. "Skin, metal, liquid, material, anything".

Andy opened her eyes, her hand squeezing his as it still held on to hers. "And this is what I feel, with you". Sam said squeezing her hand back.

"I don't feel compassion, sympathy, regret, anything emotional except anger. I've held on to that somehow and just can't let it go". Sam's voice was so sad, his words wrapped up in misery.

"Ever?".

Sam shook his head, Andy's eyes closing as she tried to imagine what it must be like for him.

But she couldn't.

"Do you remember what things felt like from before?".

"Some, like grass would tickle my feet, and Sarah's hair. Marshmallow's, that I remember, but that's about all".

"What made you shut it all out?". Andy regretted the question the moment it was out, her deep need to know overtaking her brains logical thinking.

"Nothing". Sam ripped his hands away from hers, his face moving to a stoic mask as he looked away.

"I'm sorry" Andy mumbled, her arm moving back into its normal position, instead of holding on to the doorframe.

She turned and walked away, her mind scolding herself in it's own self as she went and got comfortable on the couch.

Sam sat down next to her just as she grabbed the remote and switched the tv on.

"She likes you". Sam suddenly stammered out, Andy's attention swinging from the tv to Sam.

"Sarah" he added clearing up her question.

"Oh". Andy mumbled, a light smile tugging at her lips.

Sam smiled and turned his gaze back to the tv, Andy suddenly scooting over to lay her head in his lap.

Sam jumped in surprise as she made herself comfortable, his arm moving to tuck itself in behind her.

"Why does Micayla call her 'Nan'?". Andy mumbled as she stayed staring at the tv screen.

"No idea. She just always has. It's not an abbreviation for Sar, so we just don't know".

Andy found it puzzling when she heard Micayla call Sarah Nan, but didn't have the nerve to ask Sarah herself.

They spent over an hour in silence, simply content to just be, until Sam suddenly patted Andy's arm so that she would turn and face him.

"Promise me something?". Sam whispered leaning a little closer.

Andy nodded expectantly, waiting for him to finish what he wanted to say.

"No matter what happens, no matter what you see or hear, you'll remember this moment".

His words made Andy stare at him with wide eyes. She had the feeling that something was wrong, but couldn't put her finger on it. Her insides screamed that Sam was trying to tell her something, but she had no idea what.

It was creeping her out.

She moved her head slightly, telling him that she would, his smile invading his face as she affirmed his request.

Turning back to face the tv, Andy's mind his words over and over, the hidden meaning still escaping her.

Until one thought plundered through it so forcefully that she suddenly say up.

"Are you...you know, coming back?". She blurted the words out, her face cast in terror as she let her fear voice itself.

Sam looked at her, his mind reaching to the far corners for the right words. He knew getting Joseph to come after him was risky. It was beyond dangerous, it was insanity.

But he knew it wouldn't end until something gave way.

That was without adding Daniel and Anton into the picture. He knew that they would rally around Joseph, they were his back up. But that was what he was counting on.

It was time to sever all family ties that kept them bound by blood, and if that was a price he would ultimately pay, he would willingly do it.

For Sarah.

For Micayla.

For Andy. Because he knew that she would ultimately become a pawn in their game to get to him.

"I don't know" he finally managed to let out, his face looking down to find his hands tightly clasped together in his lap.

He didn't expect Andy to take his answer too well, but silence was never what he pictured.

Looking up he found her searching his face, almost like she needed something more.

In the years they had been partnered together, they had grown closer, their relationship evolving to something more than just partners. He remembered the night before he left, the memories aiding in the elusiveness of what exactly their relationship was.

"I... This is something I need to do. I can't tell you more than that, just that one day I hope you'll understand. If I don't come back, Sarah knows what to do, but I mean it when I say I have a lot to come back to now than I did before".

He hoped his words would make her understand, that maybe she would relinquish her hold on her mask long enough to let him in. He wanted to see if what he felt there was really there, or if he was so hopeful that she felt something too that he was imagining it.

Andy continued to stare at him, her eyes shifting between his as she tried to make sense if what he was actually saying.

It sounded like he was saying goodbye, like he wasn't coming back. Of course he had Micayla to come home to now, so there was something great waiting for him to return, but lingering in the back of her heart were dashed hopes. Hopes that he would want to come home now because she was here.

"You don't...can't...". Andy couldn't get the words right, so she inhaled a deep breath before trying again.

"Just be careful". She tried to find a sturdy smile, but it wavered miserably as she tried to keep the fake it till you make it slogan strong.

Sam was a lot more than disappointed by her words. He was so sure that there was more there than just the platonic kind of relationship she seemed to be fronting.

"Promise me something?" She suddenly said, her voice so low that Sam wasn't sure if he heard the crack in it or not.

He nodded slightly, waiting silently for her to complete her request.

"That you'll find a way to let me know you're okay?". She looked away as she finished her words, like she was frightened of saying them out aloud or ashamed that she had said them.

It brought a sad smile to his lips, maybe she cared after all.

His words would haunt Andy, long after he slipped out into the night. His face lingering in her sights, even when she closed her eyes, his face imprinted on the back of her eyelids.

She had settled back down on the couch, her nerves shattered as her mind drifted to dangerous thoughts. She had dozed off, movement drawing her towards consciousness as she felt the earth shift beneath her.

Sam had slid off the couch, a pillow from her bed now replacing his leg, a blanket thrown softly over her.

He leaned over her, hovering, like his mind wouldn't make itself up.

Suddenly his lips brushed over her temple, a soft "Night Andy" whispered into her hair. The air around her changed from warm and bubbly to cold as he moved away, her body refusing to fully wake up.

The next time she opened her eyes, he was gone, the bright light seeping in from behind the curtains telling her it was morning.

Stretching out as she still lay wrapped up in a blanket on the couch, sadness tugged at her heart as her mind involuntarily recalled whispered words from the darkness before the dawn.

Giving in to a giant yawn, she the back the blanket and stood up, her mind forcing unpleasant thoughts away as she sighed.

The only good thing from the night before was, she had milk for her morning coffee.

*******okay, so let me know what you think in another one of those awesome thoughts you leave by using the little box underneath here - .****͡▹**

**Have an awesome day!**

**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	16. Scarred

**Wow, you guys are all awesome!**

**Its kind of hard writing 3 fics at the same time, but you guys make me want to!**

**As always, thanks to Kelly2727 & the regulars for all their awesomeness! And thanks for all the reviews to this, Maybe & the amazing response to Halo!**

**Seen a lot of new names, pop up, so welcome, & a big hello to our fellow South African, Mandy B, it now makes us a group of 5!**

**Here's the long awaited next chapter, from next week I will be updating Sin, Maybe & Halo each once a week, so hope you'll enjoy!**

**Chapter 16- Scarred. **

Days turned to weeks and Andy still heard nothing from Sam.

She knew he was still alive, he had to be right? Or she would have heard something.

She often had the sense that she was being watched, but never saw anyone that was around looking at her.

Her mind would forever loose itself in thoughts of him, it never seemed to grasp the concept of out of sight, out of mind. It just seemed to miss that memo completely.

She wished that he would just show himself, her senses telling her that whenever she felt stalked, she was, because it was him.

Sam always made sure to keep a safe distance so she would know he was there, but wouldn't actually see him.

It was hard, but he had to do it if he wanted her safe.

He was now deeply embedded in the underworld of drugs and scumbags, selling enough coke a week to buy a new car weekly.

Something he would never consider as underachieving.

Newt told him that his 'Boss' was a little pissed about him crossing sides, but Sam knew it was more. It was him.

Andy noted the change in weather, seasons drifting from warm to cold as Sam stayed a distant memory.

Until she started getting the hangup calls. She never said his name, but she knew it was him.

She would say hi, answer the unknown number and wait. But they never said anything.

But she wouldn't hang up, she'd wait patiently for a voice that never came.

As snow began falling, the calls continued. Soon she would answer, just say hi, and then hang on to the call for as long as she could.

One night, she answered and didn't get hung up on. Her caller just stayed on the line. She fell asleep clutching her phone to her ear, no-one on the other end.

She had tried calling the numbers back when it first started, until one day a woman answered and told her it was a payphone downtown.

Then she really knew, even though he didn't say anything.

Sam was turning more than he hoped to in sales, his business growing profitable really quickly.

Within months, he had turned over a large sum of money to Jerry, his profits from selling his bags of highs. Jerry was providing drugs to go back into the system, and had been able to arrest tewenty-seven dealers thanks to Sam and setting up small stings. It was a fair trade, taking ruthless guys off the streets and replacing them with some watered down coke. It was fair right?

Sam's calls to Andy continued, even one on her birthday, a night he was sure she fell asleep on the other end of the line again.

But he didn't mind, he threw in all the change he had just to listen to her breathing.

His need to see her was at some times the most powerful pull towards her that he had ever had, to fight the urge to go over to her apartment was almost impossible, but he did.

He had to.

Woman around him started wearing her face, smelled like her perfume. Strangers in the street had a mole on their cheek just like she did, and even blondes turned to rich, dark haired woman.

It became so intense, that one night while she was on shift he snuck into her apartment after picking the lock.

He moved slowly from room to room, his senses getting their fill of her.

He ended up in her bedroom, his hand stealing her pillow before he could stop himself.

The material felt soft and fluffy, her winter sheets warm and cuddly. He lifted the pillow and smelled it, her scent spiraling into his nostrils.

He closed his eyes, remembered the night his hands got lost in her hair, her lips the softest thing that had ever come into contact with him.

The last time he had seen her, the night he followed her home, he asked her to remember the moment.

That was the moment he knew he had fallen for her. Fallen so hard, he didn't want to get back up.

Leaving her pillow on her bed, he left the way he came in- silently.

Andy made it home, cold and tired. The sun had yet to rise, the horizon slightly pink indicating more snow soon.

She had a quiet shift on desk duty alone, Gail was out sick with a cold from hell.

She grabbed a hot shower while coffee brewed, her hands scrubbing away the cold shivers and dirt that clung to her.

She walked into her bedroom, her pillow skew on her bed.

She knew someone had been in here.

But for some odd reason, she didn't feel threatened by an unknown presence slipping its way inside her home.

After dressing, she grabbed her coffee, aromatic promises of warmth flowing through her on the first sip.

When her coffee was done, a quiet knock at the door sounded as she made her way passed it to put her coffee mug in the kitchen.

She set the mug down on the counter and turned to open the door, her hands lifting up as soon as she did.

Her blood ran cold, her heart shuddered and her lungs blew out air but couldn't refill.

Standing at her door with a gun pointed at her when she opened it was Joseph Hill.

The guy Jerry was investigating for killing her dad.

Son of Anton Hill, druglord and sleezebag.

"Hey Angel-Face. No smile for me?". He said as he stepped inside her apartment and closed the door.

Sam was running over details with Lucy when his phone buzzed.

He paused his conversation and pulled the phone out of his pocket, his mind focusing on Andy's number sending his burner phone a text.

Only Jerry had this number, and the low-lifes he was using as a stepping stone.

Opening the text he found words that would stop his world from turning.

'Pretty butterfly Sammy boy'.

He left Lucy standing on the curb as he took of running for Andy' apartment, his hand already checking his gun.

He found the door open a crack and pushed it a little more, Joseph and Andy coming into view when it opened enough to see through.

Andy was facing him, her face streaked with tears, Joseph's eyes alight with excitement.

Joseph had his arm wrapped around Andy's neck, his hand holding on to a clump of hair, while the other trailed the point of his knife's blade up and down her cheek, her neck, across her shoulder.

"Joseph..."

"Say hello to your butterfly Sammy. Don't you remember your manners?".

Andy was terrified, Sam could see it in her eyes, so he focused his on Joseph instead.

"She's not Joseph".

Butterfly.

A beautiful creature, unless you were one of the Hill's whores. That's what they called them, a butterfly.

"So, you've decided to step up and claim your name? After all this time?". Joseph growled, Andy jumping at his sudden loud voice in her ear.

"No. It's never been my name. Let her go Joseph, she has nothing to do with this".

Sam watched Andy's eyes widen as Joseph pressed the point of the blade into the tender skin of her cheek, a tiny flash of crimson seeping its way to the surface of her skin.

"Does your butterfly know Sammy? Who and what you are?".

This was all wrong, Joseph wasn't supposed to know about Andy, go anywhere near her.

Sam kept his mouth in a tight line, his eyes flickering from Andy's back to Joseph's face, its hardened exterior so much like his fathers.

"You haven't told her? Sammy, Sammy, Sammy. What would daddy say?".

Sam shook his head, his gaze willing Andy not to listen.

Joseph leaned forwards and drew his tongue out over the skin of Andy's cheek, her body automatically fighting to get away until she felt the blade dig onto the skin of her neck, just below her jaw.

"She tastes real good Sam". Joseph said licking his lips. Sam really wished he'd aimed higher when he pointed his gun at his beloved brother and pulled the trigger years ago.

Andy had her hands wrapped around Joseph's arm, pulling it away as he tightened his hold on her.

"Almost as much fight in her as her old man" Joseph spat out, Sam feeling the rage rush through him as Andy closed her eyes and let a whimper flutter out her mouth.

"Let her go Joseph, I won't say it again". Sam tried to sound firm, strong, but on the inside he was breaking.

Joseph never let anyone go.

"You see brother, you took something of mine, and paybacks a bitch".

Joseph's words made Andy's eyes fly open, her face riddled with fear, a hint of confusion overlapping it for a split second.

She must have tensed in Joseph's clutches because he snorted out a dry laugh before letting more words spew from his mouth.

"That's right Angel-Face. BROTHER. Blood. Sammy here is my younger brother, a Hill".

The pained expression that crossed Andy's face would forever haunt Sam.

There was momentary disgust before it echoed into an etched look of denial, then it was just overrun by unabridged hurt.

Her eyes began to leak, her face paling more than it already was as she stared at Sam, her head softly shaking as if to deny what her ears were hearing.

"Andy..."

"You're a Hill? The brother of the garbage that slaughtered my dad?". Andy's voice was an octave below screaming, her words dripping in raw emotion.

"Joseph...". Sam didn't have words to say to her, not now.

Now his only priority was keeping her alive long enough to explain everything to her.

"Remember Billy? She was my life Sammy, my everything. But you...took it away like she was worthless". Joseph's hand holding the knife started to shake, his agitation evident as he spoke. He was coming down from some drug induced haze, and right now, things couldn't be more dangerous.

"Joseph...".

Sam didn't have another second to think, Joseph slid his arm to the side, Andy's sudden scream filling the room.

He shoved her forwards, her hands finding their way to her face as she hit the floor writhing in pain.

Joseph played his cards well, he knew Sam would go for Andy, not him.

Sam and Joseph missed colliding with each other by inches, Sam tending Andy on the floor as Joseph stepped over her crumpled body and headed for the door.

"Andy...". Sam tried to pry her hands away from her face, but they wouldn't comply.

He reached out for the blanket over the back of the couch and yanked it off, pulling her hand away and blindly wiping at the blood that seeped across the floor.

He managed to find his phone and dialed 911 before calling Jerry.

He shouldn't even have been here, he was supposed to be UC, working one of the biggest cases fifteen had ever had. But he couldn't leave her knowing Joseph was with her.

It was his fault he found her in the first place.

Andy's breaths were coming out in sharp rasps as she tried to stifle her screams, the puddle of blood under her cheek growing as it spread out over the floorboards.

Sam heard the sirens just as his phone rang again, this time Sarah's number committed to memory flashing up in light.

How the hell did she get this number.

He answered, his other hand pressing the blanket to Andy's cheek.

"Sammy! He's taken her, she's gone". Sarah was screaming into his ear the second she heard the call connect.

"Sarah, slow down..."

"Joseph, he killed the nurse and took Micayla Sam. I just got home". Her words were slower, clearly audible.

Sam dropped the phone, his hand couldn't hold on to it anymore.

"Sam!". Sarah was back to screaming, she had heard the phone clutter to the ground.

"Sam, you've gotta find her...she might be hurt...".

Sam snatched the phone back up, his eyes focused on Andy as his world continued to crumble.

"There's blood all over my house...". Sarah's words cut out, she couldn't say anymore.

"Go". Andy's voice was weak, her hand shaking as she reached out to slip her hand in under Sam's to hold the blanket in place.

"Andy...".

"Sam, it's not a choice you need to make. She's your daughter...".

Sam looked between Andy and his phone. He had kept Micayla hidden from the world for this amount of time, for this reason, now she was known and in more danger than she would ever understand.

"I...". The sirens were close, really close, the lights flickering through the windows.

Sam pulled away, his eyes looking deeply into Andy's to convey everything he wanted to say in one look. But it would never be enough.

Andy nodded, her voice failing her as she drew her legs up and curled into a ball on the floor, her eyes closing.

"Hang in there Andy, I'm so sorry...". With that he stood up and ran out of her apartment, his fear for Micayla making everything else fade away.

The only thing that weighed as much in his mind was the fact that in the last ten minutes, holding on to Andy's face, he didn't feel a thing.

No soft skin, no warm blood. No spark shooting up his arm.

Just nothing.

He didn't want to leave her, but he knew help was here. He had to go, Micayla had been here, probably in the trunk of a stolen car that Joseph had managed to get somewhere.

How his life had spiraled into oblivion he had no idea. But having to choose between staying with the woman he had fallen in love with while she was badly injured, and going after his two year old daughter, that simply wasn't a choice he could make and live with.

There was no choice, Joseph was gone, taking Micayla with him and he had to find her before her life was turned into a miserable existence that wouldn't be called living at all.

If Joseph got away now, his chances of finding them were minimal.

Sam hailed a cab and climbed in, asking the driver to wait as he watched the medics rush into Andy's building followed closely by Jerry and what looked like Nash.

He was grateful for that, the fact that they were there. She wouldn't be alone.

As the cab drove away, Sam dialed Sarah's number and asked her what happened, her sobs saying 'I'm so sorry' as she recounted the events of coming home after shift and finding the nurse that looked after Micayla dead, the child gone and he house covered in tiny bloody hand prints.

Sarah said that it looked like Joseph had knocked and the nurse opened the door, paying for the mistake with her life.

She put up a fight though, the broken coffee table and lamp in the lounge telling Sarah that she had tried to keep Micayla safe.

But Sarah knew, seeing her wounds who the intruder was. She knew why he came.

She had always been grateful that the her daughter and her niece were girls, it gave them a way out of their family name, held them sheltered from the shame the name would bring. Now her biggest fear was that Micayla was a little girl, alone with a guy that was so deranged that even Sammy would keep him in his gaze when they were in a room together because Joseph was ruthless. He had no value for life and he was so sick that even when Anton slit their mothers throat in front of Sam and Joseph, Joseph had let out a laugh and stood over his mother and watched as her life seeped out of her.

He had been thirteen then, and found that watching his mother die gave him pleasure. It was where their father stole his innocence and turned him into a killer.

*******okay, so a little more of the truth came out, let me know what you think!**

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	17. Home Sweet Home

**As always, a huge thanks for the awesome reviews, follows & all your general awesomeness!**

**Thanks to Mellbell for review 200!**

**To my awesome regulars & kelly2727, thanks for the support!**

**Chapter 17- Home Sweet Home. **

**(This picks up in the present time, after chapter 1, so you might want to reread it?)**

**Five years Later**

He didn't even know what he was doing anymore, other than the fact that the temptation to find her, to see her and tell her that he was sorry was so overwhelming he couldn't fight it anymore.

He couldn't stay away, didn't want to stay away anymore.

Maybe he was seeking some kind of redemption.

Even though he didn't really expect to find her, the disappointment that reigned down on him now caused his determination to wither away and evaporate even before his hand had knocked.

Letting out a huffed sigh, his resignation evident on its monotonous tone, his hand again slithered up in one final attempt to set things right.

As the umpteen times before it, his knuckles paused just above the wood, his fear of the unknown suspending his attempt to follow through with the simple action of knocking.

Pinching his eyes closed, he found the willpower to follow through and let his hand gently graze over the surface as a soft echo filled the area surrounding him and the space on the other side of the door.

He waited without breath flowing through him, with his heart still until he heard the familiar sounds of the door being unlocked from the inside until it finally swung open and let the moment of truth swallow him whole.

As he lifted his head, his eyes opening to take a moment to focus, he set no limitations to himself or for the backlash of fury he may just find himself receiving.

When the blurry face cleared, and his brain allowed his body to function, he watched as the face before him came into view, a muffled gasp escaping its bearers lips as recognition seeped through them.

Numbness returned to him, every nerve ending that had been alight with anticipation extinguished as he was suddenly filled with more regret and remorse than he had ever experienced.

"Sam?". Nash's voice sounded so distant, like she was miles away.

Sam's head dipped in greeting as she stepped aside and let him in.

His eyes noted that her furniture had replaced Andy's. Andy didn't live here anymore.

"Why are you here?". Nash was blunt, her tone leaving no room for him to slither his way in to placid excuses.

"She doesn't live here anymore".

She added after a minutes silence.

"How is she?".

"You want to know that now? After five years? You left her laying bleeding right over there, and you want to know how she is?".

"I didn't have a choice".

"Sam, there is always a choice..."

"He took my daughter".

It felt like she didn't know the whole truth, like Andy and Jerry had tried to keep him sheltered by keeping her in the dark.

"What?". Her legs peddled backwards until she felt the edge of the couch and she just sat down.

Shocked.

"I didn't...".

"It's okay. So is she...?".

"She's good. She's really, really good. She lives at her dads place now, so I moved in here. She's a TO, still loves working the streets. She's um...she's getting married in a few weeks".

Traci watched as Sam's strong facade tumbled and fell. The news that Andy was getting married seemed to take him unexpectedly, his jaw suddenly clenching. He was not happy.

"She's happy Sam, for the first time in five years, she's really happy".

Traci had been there to help Andy pick up the pieces after her face was slashed and Sam vanished.

Sam was one of Jerry's best friends and she had spent some time with him outside of the barn, but not enough to get to know him. Andy is her best friend, and she was there when Andy recovered in hospital and spent days crying. Days turned to weeks as Andy's sad disposition seemed to stay wrapped around her. She eventually told Traci that it was about Sam and not her face, and that when he left he broke her heart because she didn't think he was coming back.

She had waited for a while, then she just gave up waiting. She started dating three years after Sam left, and now she was engaged to marry the guy she started dating.

But she was happy.

"He a good guy?".

Nash nodded, her eyes sweeping away as if to hide something.

"What?".

"It's Callaghan. She's marrying Callaghan".

Sam had spent a good few years working with Callaghan, he was a good guy. A solid cop. He just didn't know if he was right for Andy.

"She took three years to get over you Sam, and she's happy, so you need to let her do this".

Sam nodded, Nash was right.

After everything he had done, she at least deserved to be happy.

An hour later he stepped inside the Penny, the familiar surroundings making him feel like he was really home.

He slipped in quietly and ordered a drink, a few wayward glances settling on him.

No-one knew he was back, except Jerry, Frank and now Nash. He had hoped to find Andy, but didn't want to upset her life.

He ordered a beer, as he sat down on his former usual seat, it wasn't his anymore, he hadn't claimed it in the five years he had been gone. But it was empty tonight, as were most of the seats in the Penny.

After the first beer, he ordered a second, even though he knew it was a bad idea. Part of the program was to stay away from alcohol, but he was challenging his self restraint.

The door of the Penny opened, and a light breeze fluttered into the room, on it a smell that made his hair stand up and his focus snap to attention.

She still had that effect on him, the one where he could sense her in the same room.

His mind scurried to memories of them, memories of her, before settling on the final memory. The last one of her. The one that made his fingertips feel frozen, because he hadn't felt her that last time, the day he abandoned her.

She must have looked up and seen him there, within seconds he felt her leave the room. Sam turned around expecting to see her retreating through the door, but she left so fast that he only caught sight of the door closing.

He didn't need time to think it over, he'd spent five years thinking this moment over, so without letting his mind stop him, he was off his chair and out the door.

He caught up with her, just down the street. The gap in light between the lampposts providing enough shadows that he nearly missed her.

"Andy?".

But she didn't stop, she kept her head down, her hair shielding her face from sight.

He let his hand wrap around her arm, the immediate spark pulling up his arm so forcefully that he let go almost as quickly as he touched her.

Five years without feeling that- made it seem like a lifetime ago that she had made him feel anything.

"Hey...". Sam had no clue what he should say, what he should do.

But she kept walking, her head down.

"Just stop for a second". Sam pleaded, her feet stepping one final small step before stopping. But she didn't turn around, and she didn't look at him.

So he walked around her, and waited for her to acknowledge his presence the way she used to, with eye contact and a smile.

But she didn't.

There was no eye contact, no smoldering smile. Just her head kept down low, guarded by a curtain of hair that kept her face hidden.

He reached out again, this time his hand reaching for her chin, but she panicked and backed away.

"Don't". Her word was uttered out on an edgy breath, a warning.

"Andy...".

He hadn't heard any resentment in her voice, no hatred or distrust. It just sounded like she was scared.

"...I've seen you, when I was UC". Sam had to say something, and it wasn't a lie, he had seen her, but he had never seen her face.

His words caused her to look up, a long, loud sigh escaping her as she gave in and showed her face.

Sam had to school his features to hide his shock, her face revealing the long ugly scar.

It ran down the left side of her cheek, down to almost the edge of her jaw, a snake of bad memories.

"Pretty isn't it?". She suddenly said, his eyes giving away the remorse he felt.

"You're beautiful". Sam whispered his hand reaching out to touch her, when a sudden thought slammed him into hitting the breaks and backing off.

"Um...sorry? I shouldn't have..."

He knew she was getting married, and getting that personal, that was just a selfish act on his part.

"Sam...".

Her voice sounded shaky, as though she couldn't finish the rest of her sentence.

"Did you find her?". She chose those words instead.

"Micayla? Yeah, I found her. She's okay, she's with Sarah" Sam couldn't help but smile, Andy's concern for those around her was one of the things he loved most about her.

"Joseph?". Her voice was small, but she had to know.

Sam just shook his head knowing that she would understand.

Her hand moved to tuck a piece of hair behind her ear, the sparkle of diamond's glittering in the feint light that caught it as she moved.

He must have scowled at her, her face moving to look at her engagement ring before she tucked it away out of sight.

"I heard. Congratulations". Sam said trying to sound happy for her, even though it was the last thing he expected to find when he came home.

Her face brightened, a slight smile gracing her lips.

"Thanks".

She looked happy. He wasn't about to screw around with that.

"Can I give you a ride home?". Tommy's house was further away than her apartment was, and there was no harm in giving her a ride home right?

"...um, yeah thanks".

Andy seemed to have relaxed, her initial fear of showing Sam her face having worn away.

They walked back to Sam's truck, a familiar banter flowing between them like he had never left.

When Sam stopped outside Tommy's house, he saw Andy glance in his direction in surprise, she should have guessed that he'd know.

Sam got out and opened her door, her face blushing slightly as she stepped out. She fiddled for the keys and said a soft goodnight before starting to walk away when she stopped and spun around to face Sam, her face serious.

"Did you um... Is he..."

Sam knew she'd want to know, he just didn't want to tell her right now. The details could wait for another day.

"Not tonight Andy, someday".

He just found his footing, established some kind of connection with her, and right now he didn't want to ruin it. She was off limits, again, but that didn't mean he couldn't have her in his life some way.

She nodded as if she understood, her face not holding any sign of disliking at what she was hearing.

"Night Sam". She said before leaving this time, Sam watching her walk away.

A while after she closed the door, he still sat in his truck wondering what he was doing.

He didn't expect her to still be waiting for him, he'd never asked her too. He never gave her any indication of what he felt or what he wanted, so watching her in a relationship with another guy was just the way it had worked out, his own fault for his lack of communication.

But she looked happy, almost proud to wear the ring.

He couldn't blame her, Callaghan as a decent guy, the poster boy for safety and stability.

So why did it feel like the who setup was just wrong?

As he started the ignition, one thought made his lips curve up slightly.

At least she looked like she was willing to be friends.

******Thanks for reading!**

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	18. Chapter 18

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**Thanks to the regulars & Kelly2727!**

**Chapter 18-White Lies. **

After initially seeing Andy for the first time, a lot of worried thoughts drifted away as they were laid to rest.

After seeing her face however, a new kind of regret and guilt found itself deeply embedded in his every breath.

Life was full of surprises, but home was so much better in person than in dreams.

He wrapped up hours of debriefings with Jerry and some guys from Internal Affairs, his journals handed over to them with what was left of the cash and coke he had.

The coke was a bad temptation, really bad, so it was the first thing he dropped off when he set foot back in Toronto.

Jerry understood the three am wake up call, Sam handing over a duffle bag full of it with a shaky hand and a wavering smile before he disappeared into the night.

Shifts were a myth for now, he had to be cleared by IA and the shrink first, so most of his time was spent at home or at the Penny drinking no more than one beer before hitting the soda.

He had seen Andy a few times, always alone, and he would always relish in the smile she threw his way and the small wave he would get.

They even had drinks one night at the Penny, Callaghan bailing on her when a case called him downtown.

She always kept her head low, and stuck to the dark corners of any place, but Sam couldn't get enough of looking at her.

He would keep his eyes trailed on her, even if she was sitting in silence, her eyes aimlessly wondering around the room.

That night he gave her a ride home, the urge to reach out and touch her too great to fight, so he gave in.

They were standing on her doorstep, the gift of finding her keys eluding her as she tried to get them out of her bag. He often wondered what crap she had in there, but never asked. He just knew that whatever it was, it always hid her keys from her.

Something he found rather amusing.

Her digging ceased and she looked up at Sam in apology while drawing a deep breath that was meant to calm her.

Her hair invaded her face as a light breeze allowed it to sweep into her face and obscure her vision.

Sam's hand snapped up and brushed it away in record time, the opportunity to reach out and touch her not being missed.

This time she stood frozen in place, not retreating back or into her shell, she just let the moment consume her.

As soon as Sam's hand came into contact with Andy's skin as he moved the strands of hair away, he felt the familiar fire tingle in his fingertips as the electricity between them cracked almost audibly in the air around them.

The feint sound of music suddenly interrupted the moment, Sam's hand redirecting itself back into his personal space.

Andy snapped out of it too then, her digging returning until she pulled out her phone.

She answered the call, a few key words telling Sam that it was Callaghan calling.

She invited him over when he was done, Sam's insides churning at hearing the words.

In less than three seconds his walls keeping her out had crumbled, but in zero to sixty they were slammed back up with one phone call.

When she hung up, she looked edgy, so Sam said goodnight and left as soon as she pushed the door open after finally finding her keys.

Driving away he knew exactly what he would have done if her phone had kept quiet, something unforgivable.

A week later Sam was back on shift. He didn't expect it to happen so quickly, but it seemed that the higher ups were happy with everything that he had handed over, and achieved while being missing for a large piece of his life at fifteen.

While it was sure to be hard watching Andy more often now, he was glad for the distraction.

While they slipped into a familiar routine, Sam couldn't help but silently wish that there was more.

With her, he had always wanted more.

They were working well together, no awkwardness finding its way into their lives, something he was happy for.

Until she approached him with a pale face and her lips pulled into a tight line.

She clutched a silver envelope, and he knew what she was about to ask.

Their friendship had grown, their relationship strong, but this, this was asking the impossible.

Asking him too much.

She held it out, and avoided eye contact, his eyes searching hers for something that wasn't there.

She was holding out a wedding invitation, something he knew that if he took, it would be the last thin string that his sanity tethered on.

But he couldn't not take it either.

So he took it, even though it was the last and final ending to his unwillingness to let her out from under his skin.

He took the envelope and nodded, his lips plastering a fake smile on his face as he mumbled something that vaguely sounded like "I'll be there", even though his brain wasn't registering the promise that his mouth was making.

He clenched the envelope in his hand as she walked away before mirroring her actions and heading straight for the solitude of the locker room.

He considered slamming his hand into the cold metal doors, but didn't want to draw unwanted attention by making loud noises, so he refrained from doing it and instead sat down on the bench.

Staring at the neatly printed name on the envelope he wondered what he had done to deserve this kind of punishment.

Eventually gaining enough strength to open the envelope, he gently lifted the back seal and slid out the card, his eyes taking every inch of detail in.

Two weeks, she had set the date for saturday two weeks away.

Sam stood up and shoved the envelope into his locker and returned to shift, his sunglasses hiding the lack of fire in his eyes.

The days passed quickly, Sam trying to avoid Andy without detection but failing miserably.

Frank had them partnered together a few times, working cases that were long and tedious and emotionally wrecking.

He had tried to ignore the wedding planning calls, the dreamy face she would wear and the occasional question she would throw his way when asking his opinion on something.

It was hard to watch and even more painful to live, but he managed, for her sake.

Simply because it looked like it was what she really wanted.

He kept his distance emotionally and stopped all physical contact with her, it would be his downfall, the thing that caused him to cave and give in.

But their relationship held, like she was pulling him in closer even though it was just so wrong.

Numerous times he had tried to picture her in a wedding dress, but his mind wouldn't allow it. No images of her in a white fairytale dress would appear, it was as though his mind was blocking out an image because he wasn't meant to see it.

He had known that this day would come, that he would have to watch her do this, but somehow his denial of the situation had allowed it to become a deterred thought.

As the day drew closer, Sam found it increasingly harder to concentrate on anything, or focus on the smallest of tasks. Life was not co-operating and it was just too hard.

He had never been different towards Andy, his way of treating her was still the same.

They had three off shifts after tonight's then Andy would be back for one shift before taking wednesday to sunday off. She had even gone so far as to tell Sam that Callaghan had a surprise for her for their honeymoon, but that she had no idea where or when it was.

Sam knew every single detail of her wedding, from the color of the flowers, to the seating arrangements of the guests. He knew what the bridesmaids were wearing and how Andy had decided to wear her hair. He even knew the time and place of her hair and nail appointments. Way too much information for him to be aware of.

He watched her bubble with excitement at making plans on the phone, or showing Nash something in a magazine. But she would always eye him cautiously when she caught him watching her.

Her mood would change and she let her face would cloud over in a look that he couldn't name.

Jerry had asked him this morning about what he had told Andy about his time away, and the truth about his Hill bloodlines, Sam's reply had been a short "Nothing".

There hadn't been time, or an inclination to have that conversation, so they had just skipped it.

Jerry had closed the case yesterday when Daniel was arrested for possession, and Anton Hill shot and killed by a cop from Thirty-one division when he pulled a gun out and tried to stop the cops from arresting Daniel.

Jerry had called and told Sam as soon as the call came in, a final settlement of closure sweeping over him as he heard the news that his father was dead and his brother in jail.

It was a defining moment, because for the first time in forever he felt something other than Andy.

If she knew about it, she didn't say anything, her mind settled on the final wedding arrangements.

Shift was over, Sam lingering outside the locker room door, waiting for he like he always did.

She would probably need a ride home since Callaghan was still missing from the barn.

A soft shake in his pocket alerted him to a new text, so he pulled out his phone to find a message from Andy.

_'Can we maybe talk?'. _

A second later, phone still in hand, he looked up to find her coming out the locker room with Nash who nodded towards him before walking away.

"Need a ride?". Sam could have just slapped his hand to his own face in another moment of stupidity. Of course she needed a ride, she had requested a talk.

Andy nodded without saying a word, her lip between her teeth telling him that she had a lot on her mind. He motioned for the door and she stepped away, Sam following with his heart at his kness at her grim face. She really looked lost in thought and side lined by misery.

"Penny?" He asked when they reached his truck and he put their bags in the back, a slight shake of her head telling him that the Penny wasn't where she wanted to talk.

"Home" she mumbled as he opened the door for her, his head shaking itself to rid it of the million thoughts that ran through it at what caused Andy's bubbly persona to slip into a little guarded, a little ...sad one?

He drove them home to her house in silence, Andy's eyes never leaving the window as she stared out of it.

When they arrived she already had her keys in her hand and raced off for the front door knowing that Sam would follow with her bag.

He found her putting coffee on in the kitchen, her mood slipping slightly into frustrated as she set the mugs down loudly.

Sam had the feeling that she was really mad, at him, or Callaghan, or herself, and right now the last thing he wanted was an argument.

Setting her bag down Sam waited, a loud breath sounding from her before she finally turned around to face him with sadness gracing her face.

She knew.

She knew about Anton and she remembered her own sadness at loosing her father when they inadvertently became pawns in his brothers sick and twisted game.

"I heard... I'm sorry". She mumbled like she wasn't sure how he would take the words.

"Jerry" she added knowing that Sam was probably wondering who told her.

"I'm not". Sam said a little too defensively. Her eyes bulging a little at his cold and callous statement.

"Sam, he was still your father". Andy turned away and carried on with making their coffee.

Sam's mind made a split second choice, to tell her everything. From how he grew up, to what he saw, and ultimately how it had turned him into what he was today - someone so broken that even the medical profession had given up hope of helping him.

Andy held out the mug off coffee to him, the brushing of skin against his fingertips nearly causing him to drop the mug.

She still had that effect on him.

Andy moved to sit on the couch Sam following as his mind searched for the perfect place to start.

Before he even sat down, he had given up on searching and instead just started talking.

"My mother met my father when she was sixteen. He dabbled in drugs, her father was a Colombian, smuggled anything and everything across the border.

Joseph was born when she was eighteen so they got married, my grandfather refusing to allow shame to come to the family name. My mother knew what they did, but still she brought kids into this kind of life. Sarah, then me, then Daniel.

Anton refused to let my mother use, she got clean when she fell pregnant with Joseph, so he wanted his kids to be born normal and healthy.

When I was six, he caught her snorting a line of coke off the basin counter in the bathroom, she was six months pregnant. They got into a fight, and she told him that she had never stopped using. He got mad, and as I came to see what the screaming was about, he grabbed his razor off the top of the shelf, grabbed her and slit her throat from ear to ear before pushing her to the floor.

She was a good mother. We never went to bed hungry, we were always clean and fed. We had everything we wanted, but mostly she would tuck us each in bed at night and tell us she loved us. She showed us that everyday".

Sam had closed his eyes trying to shut the evident memories out of his minds eye.

"He disposed of the body and told everyone she ran off. He was arrested after that when Sarah told a teacher what I told her, so we were removed and thrown into the system". Sam's voice was ragged and wrapped in sorrow as he spoke, even though he didn't hear it himself.

"After that, I just didn't feel anything, except the anger, that always stayed behind".

Sam was finally able to look at Andy, her face plagued with sadness for the little boy he once was.

"Anton stayed in touch, Joseph and Daniel creeping back when they were old enough, the promise of money leading them back to his family. But never me and Sarah".

"Sam, I'm so sorry" Andy finally managed to say.

She had no idea that it would be that bad, that Sam stood and watched his father slit his mothers throat. That he stood and watched her bleed out as her life ebbed away.

"What happened to Joseph?". She finally asked after they basked in silence for a while.

"I left here, but he was gone, so I went to see Anton and told him that I don't care about Joseph, I just wanted Micayla back. He told me to try Mexico, so I did, then I was in Vegas, then back here. He kept moving, always staying one step ahead of me.

But I never stopped looking, even though it took me four years, I just couldn't leave her.

I tracked them down to a motel just outside of ST Catherines and things got out of hand. He had Micayla at gunpoint, and some local uniforms showed up. Before Sarah got there, shots were fired. Micayla was hit, I was hit and Joseph was hit.

I only saw her go down, and heard her scream, nothing else. I... I blacked out and woke up in the hospital with a very pissed off Sarah staring at me. Micayla's okay, she was hit in the shoulder. No six year old should feel that.

Joseph didn't make it.

My tox screen came back, and Sarah shoved me straight into rehab when they released me from the hospital".

Sam cut his words off, his face looking down in shame at having spoken about the worst thing he had ever done.

He also didn't want to see the disappointment in Andy's eyes right now.

She didn't say a word, she just sat there in silence.

Sam finally finished his coffee and set the mug down on the table, Andy's eyes piercing through him when he finally looked at her.

Her emotions were hard to read, her face displaying so many simultaneously that he lost track of them.

"I know, Sarah called me yesterday Sam, and she told me. She asked how you were doing, and how you were dealing with the news...I ... Why didn't you tell me?". Her voice was soft, but she wasn't angry, it sounded more like she was upset.

"And say what? Hey Andy, I got so lost in using the coke that it nearly got my daughter killed?". His tone was forceful, but he didn't mean it at her, it was more about saying the actual words.

"No, you could have started with '_Andy, I need a friend_".

Sam's heart broke knowing that she was upset by the fact that he didn't reach out to her when he needed someone, rather than mad at him for doing the one thing that he had always sworn he never would.

"You spent eight months in rehab alone Sam, what should the rest of us think? You could have asked Sarah to let us know you were okay, that Micayla was home and safe. But you didn't. You left us to wonder if you were still alive, if she was okay. I just don't get why you did that to yourself".

He wasn't sure if she meant the actual using or the eight months in rehab alone.

But he answered anyway.

"Because at first it was a way in, a way to track them down by being just like him, mingling with the same people to find them, then I started to actually feel something. Not just the anger or the loss, but something more. I was tired of not feeling anything. I needed to feel _something". _

Sam watched as Andy got a guilty look on her face. She knew that she was the only one he felt, and maybe if she had been there, he would have made other choices, done things differently.

"You still don't feel...".

San shook his head and looked away. She was still the only thing that he felt.

"Why do you feel me?". Her sudden question made his head snap up, his eyes staring at hers as his jaw clenched.

He knew the reason, but it was something she couldn't ever know. Especially not now.

So Sam looked away again and shrugged, mumbling a soft "I don't know".

His mind made up the excuse that it was a good lie, a white lie, a lie meant to keep her happy and protect her.

"You still should have let Sarah call me. We're friends Sam, partners. It's what we're supposed to do".

Sam knew she was right, but he didn't want her to see him like that, it was hard enough just telling her about it.

"Thank you, for telling me". She added after a breath.

"But...it wasn't what I wanted to talk about, I need to ask you something. To do something, but I'll understand if you don't want to, it's just that Chris is driving and Dov is driving the bridesmaids so...".

Andy suddenly rambled on nervously, the entire room shifting moods to one less depressing.

Sam raised an eyebrow at mentions of her impending wedding, the though forgotten while conversation had flowed over deeper topics.

"Will you...".

Andy thought that this would be so much easier, so simple and easy to say. But it wasn't. It was hard.

"Um... Will you... Walk me down the isle on saturday?". She strung the words together in one rushed out sentence, a slight blush creeping over her face as she asked.

Sam just stared at her, unsure of how that question had made its way to his ears.

She was kidding right?

She had to be.

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**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	19. Breathtaking

**Thanks for all the reviews for chapter 18- I have no idea where that idea came from lol!**

**Thanks to everyone that has reviewd & followed, as well as kelly2727 & the regulars!**

**Let's see what you all think of this chapter, after your thoughts on the last one...**

**Chapter 19- Breathtaking. **

Sam stared at her, his breath slammed away as his mind made sense of what she was asking.

"Andy..."

He couldn't do this.

"Please Sam. My dad isn't here to do it. Chris and Dov are driving us, you're the only one I have left to ask. If you don't then nobody will". Her eyes were alight as they danced in hope. Her lips were pouting.

He couldn't do this, but he couldn't say no.

He didn't say yes, his words refusing to carry out on actual words, so he nodded instead.

Andy let out a giant shriek of delight as she started jumping up and down, her legs hopping in bliss before she suddenly crashed into him and enveloped him in a colossal hug.

She was ecstatic, and he simply couldn't take that away from her. Although he had tried to keep her out it wasn't working. He tried to put some distance between her and his feelings, but it just didn't happen.

They spent the next hour talking about what she wanted Sam to do, and told him that a suite would do because she had already ordered the tie, waistband, and other items to match the color scheme she had, so all she really needed was him to say yes.

When Sam left, Andy felt like everything was complete, yet still there was something missing.

She couldn't explain it, it just felt like an empty hole.

Sam left Andy's and headed over to the Penny. He ordered a whiskey and swallowed it down in one gulp before throwing some cash down on the bar counter next to the empty glass. If he had another, there would be no way of stopping him having more after that.

By friday night Andy was anxious and nervous and three steps away from throwing up.

Traci had stayed late trying to get Andy to calm down, but she was running away with herself, and just bouncing off the walls.

By the time Traci finally left, Andy was settled enough to believe Traci when she said that everything was under control.

After an entire night of restlessness, Sam saw the sun peek up over the city, the promise of a warm day carried on the wisps of pink and white clouds that shaded in warmth.

The perfect day.

For Andy to get married.

The thought made him feel sick, but it was what she wanted, so he would bare it to make sure that she found her eternal happiness.

Sam had several cups of strong coffee and a hot shower to wash away the final remains of the elusiveness of sleep before setting out to start his day.

Sarah called and wished him luck, he had told her about Andy's wedding and her impossible request. Sarah had told him to talk to Andy but he had refused, he wasn't about to take away her happiness when it wasn't up to him.

Micayla was doing well, she was coping with therapy and her attachment to Sarah had grown. She even called Sam every second day just to say hello.

She wanted to move home but Sam had asked her to finish the year out at school first, before she decided, she was in a good school and finding her place in life. He didn't want her to give it up too soon.

After saying goodbye to Sarah, Sam had breakfast which was pushed around on his plate more than it was eaten.

He collected his suite from the cleaners, and took his truck to be cleaned at the car wash before heading home in time to start getting ready.

Andy was groomed and ready to slip on her dress.

Traci and Gail were with her, trying to calm her down again as her cold feet suddenly turned to a completely cold Andy.

With half an hour to go, Andy was fully dressed and ready to walk down the isle.

A soft knock on the door disturbed their giggles as they took a trip down memory lane, each of them remembering something ridiculous, an attempt to keep Andy's mind occupied to stop her from freeking out.

Traci answered the door, Andy hiding in the bathroom just in case it was Luke.

They were in the bridal room at the church, eagerly counting down the time.

When Traci opened the door, she found Sam on the other side, dressed in jeans and a T-shirt.

"Sam, you're not dressed". Traci hissed. They were going to be so late.

"Can you guys give us a minute?". Sam looked between Nash and Peck, both of them nodding before leaving the room.

The bathroom door was still half closed, hiding Andy behind it. Nash had called out that she was dragging Gail out to check on everything, before she closed the door to the room leaving them alone.

When Andy opened the bathroom door and stepped into the room Sam's heart hit the ground before smashing.

The sight of her was breathtaking, the rest of the world fading away as he took the sight of her in.

"Sam?". She sounded panicked, when she noticed that he was not dressed.

"Got a minute?". Sam forced himself to look away, he became so lost in taking her in that he couldn't think straight.

He didn't wait for a reply, he just launched off into saying what he came to say.

"I can't do this".

He turned back to look at her, her face creasing as she understood what he was saying.

"Sam, it's my wedding day..."

"I know, and I'm sorry. But that's why I can't do this".

"What?".

Her eyes were watering, Sam's heart breaking because he knew he was about to break hers.

He stepped closer, leaving a little space between them so that he wouldn't stand on the end of her dress as it slipped out onto the floor in a ruffle.

"I can't do this. I can't even be friends with you Andy, it's too hard. I've tried, because you want it, but I can not stand here and watch you marry another guy".

Andy stared at Sam, her face paling a little as she let one single tear break free, her hand refusing to lift up and wipe it away.

But Sam did.

His thumb trailing gently over her skin as it collected the wetness and wiped it away.

He could feel its warmth as it splattered out over his skin, something he never though he would feel.

"Don't do this Sam".

"Andy, you're marrying a good guy. A solid cop. I just can't be in love with you and watch you do it". Sam's voice was barely a whisper, raw emotion lingering on every syllable as he uttered them.

Andy stood frozen to the spot.

She wasn't breathing, she didn't blink, she just stood there staring at him.

Sam leaned forward, his hand still resting on her cheek, and kissed her forehead.

His hand slipped off her cheek, returning to his side as he stepped backwards, putting some space between them. Then he suddenly spun around and left her standing there, watching him walk away until the door closed between them and she couldn't see him anymore.

Luke watched Swarek leave Andy's room, the tension rolling off of him in waves, even though his back was facing him as he watched Swarek walk out of the building.

He heard Andy whimper from behind the closed door and figured that things had finally met their meltdown between the two.

He opened the door without knocking to find Andy a mess as she tried to compose herself long enough to appear okay.

"That didn't go well?".

Andy shook her head. No point in trying to hide it.

"Andy, I know that you guys have some kind of history, but I don't think that we're doing the right thing here".

Andy's head spun around to meet Luke's gaze, her face not really revealing much.

Sam stuffed the last shirt into his bag, he was taking a few days off and leaving to ST Catherines right now.

He had made up his mind the second he set foot in his truck when he left the church, he couldn't be around here when he knew what she was doing, the promises she was making.

He had to leave before he went back and ruined a day that was supposed to be one of the happiest of her life, if he hadn't already ruined it.

He couldn't stay, it felt like the city walls were blocking him in, squeezing the life out of him. So he chose to leave instead.

That way, she would still have her dream wedding day.

He made it to Sarah's in record time, traffic light as he left a city of torment behind.

Micayla came running out of the house the second he put the truck into park when he stopped in the driveway. As soon as the door was open, she flung herself onto his lap and hugged him like she never wanted him to leave again.

Sam tickled her, her laugh filling the cab of the truck as he picked her up and climbed out.

Her tiny fingers wrapped around Sam's hand as he set her back down on her feet, a sensation running up his hand.

Sarah came out the house in time to see Sam rip his hand away from Micayla's and lift it up to inspect it closely.

He reached out and ran his hand over the top of Micayla's hair, ruffling it into a mess.

Suddenly Sam just out a loud laugh before scooping Micayla up into a giant hug and spinning her around.

Sarah watched Sam's interactions, scrutinizing them as she saw pure carefree bliss cross his face.

Sam set Micayla back down on her feet, and she waved before sprinting off into the house.

Sam grabbed his bag out the truck and closed the door, Sarah leaning against the doorframe as she waited for him.

When he reached her, he set his bag down, his smile flaring full dimples as he held out his arms for a hug.

Something he didn't usually do.

Sarah stepped into his embrace, his arms squeezing as they wrapped around her.

"Sam!". Sarah shrieked out, he was crushing her.

"Sorry". Sam mumbled, but didn't let her go.

"What's wrong?". Sarah asked puzzled by Sam need at prolonged contact.

"Nothing".

"Wait... you can feel her?".

She felt Sam nod.

"Me?".

Sam nodded again.

For the first time in most of his life, he felt something more, although there was a gaping hole in his heart where Andy no longer should exist.

Sarah made them coffee, and they talked. Sam walking around and touching everything like a child in a toy store.

He had told Sarah what had happened with Andy and that he had let her go for once and all.

Sarah had decided that he could feel because he had told Andy that he was in love with her, but Sam refused to believe that such simple words were the reason that he could feel again.

Sarah watched as the sadness crept back into Sam's eyes at the mention of Andy. It had disappeared long enough to be covered up by the excitement of feeling sensations in his fingers, and even though Sarah was happy for him, she was sorry for him too. Sorry that finally he had come to terms with how he was feeling, that he had finally admitted to meeting someone that he felt more for than he ever thought possible. But she was most sorry for him because he just didn't believe that he was capable of making Andy happy after all the trials and tribulations that she had been through, Sam still felt responsible, felt guilty.

By dinner time, Sam had slipped into a dark mood. He was quiet, just sitting and sulking.

The doorbell rang a little after seven. Sam blatantly ignored it, so the third time it rang Sarah left the salad she was making to answer the door.

The first thing Sam noticed when she stopped in front of him, were her shoes.

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	20. Don't Wake Me Up

**Thanks again for all the awesome reviews!**

**This is my surprise chapter, so let's see if anyone saw this coming...**

**Thanks to the regulars & kelly2727!**

**Chapter 20- Don't Wake Me Up. **

Sam woke up drenched in a cold sweat. He was breathing heavily, the sheets carelessly tossed all over the bed. His hair was touseled, probably from being shifted around on his pillow.

It was another nightmare, but this one was so vivid, it felt so... _real. _

His entire life had been spread out before his eyes while he slept, a splurge of images that made him tremble.

But everything he remembered was wrong.

Jerry had been stabbed, and died, not Andy's face slashed by a pshyco.

He wasn't related to Anton Hill, he was merely the one that got away. The one that Sam never caught. He only had one sibling- Sarah.

Andy was engaged to Callaghan, and yes he took a UC when he found out about it, he didn't run off on vacation to Sarah's.

_And Micayla... She looked just like Andy. _

Every important event in his life had played out in his dreams, only his mind had twisted them around into some new form of torture.

Andy had been gone for six months, she left UC on Dakota with Collins the day he told her that he loved her. Sam had been through six months of dreams just like the one tonight, they were a reminder of his stupidity and how he had let self preservation kick in before he could stop it.

But she was back, and he had no idea of what to do next.

He had spent six months of dreaming that she wouldn't come back, six months of watching her die in his nightmares because he wasn't there.

But tonight she had walked into the barn with Collins, their UC over. And he had just stood there and watched her.

Didn't approach, didn't smile.

Just stood in silent shock at finally seeing her come home and know that she wasn't his anymore. That they were long over.

Andy was bombarded with hugs and welcome backs from her friends, so Sam only let his eyes roam over her to make sure she was okay before leaving the barn. They had come in just as he was leaving, so he took all of three minutes to settle his nerves, before doing what he did best; walking away.

That was probably why his dreams had changed. Why it was different from all the other ones.

When the sun made its appearance Sam dragged himself out of bed and started his day with strong coffee.

He went for a run, came home and took a shower before heading over to the barn early.

No point in staying in bed when he had a heavy case load and had been awake for hours.

Days passed by, no sign of Andy, or Collins as they took their days off before returning to work.

Oliver had tried a few times to pry into Sam's feelings about how he felt now that she was back, but each time Sam had shut him down.

He wasn't sure that he even knew how he felt now that she was back.

Then; there was today.

The day that Andy came back to work and walked into the locker room while he was leaning against a locker involved in a heavy conversation with Marlo.

Marlo smiled at Andy as she passed them, receiving a glare in return from Andy as she let her bag hit the floor with a loud thud when she stopped in front of her locker.

Sam never came into the woman's locker room, not unless he wanted to find Andy, except for today.

Today he slipped into the locker room to talk to Marlo because he had noticed a new set of blue and red marks on her upper arm when she had stopped to say morning.

Her sleeve had tugged up a fraction, and he had noticed the marks only because she had tried hastily to cover them up by pulling her sleeve back down.

Sam heard Andy's locker door slam closed, before he noticed her walk away the same way she had come in, after shoving her bag into her locker, not bothering to hang around long enough to change into her uniform. She had obviously decided to give them a moment and would return once she saw Sam leave the locker room.

Sam pushed off the row of lockers as Andy stepped closer, making her way for the door, but she was watching them, so she rounded the bench and moved to the other side of the room, avoiding them.

Sam saw the hurt flash in her eyes before she tore them away, an instant before her hand reached out for the door handle.

"Is that her?". Marlo said as soon as Andy was out the room, Sam's nod confirming her question.

"She's cute". Marlo said as she continued to rummage through her locker.

Sam had been at the academy with Marlo, they went way back and had formed a friendship like he had with Noelle. They hadn't seen each other in a while, she had been scarce ever since she had taken a transfer to the SVU in Vancouver.

"This is not over". Sam said as he fled the room after Andy.

It wasn't hard to sum up her thoughts about what she thought she had walked in on in the locker room. If he thought back to all the times they had been in a locker room, it was always an intense memory. But it was only ever something her had done with her,_ for that reason._

He only ever did it with someone else if it was important, like now with Marlo and her addition to dating guys that weren't really the upstanding kind of guys.

Sam looked up and down the hallway trying to catch a glimpse of Andy, but instead finding every other face of every other person that he worked with.

Noelle smiled and pointed towards one of the lounges down the hallway. She had probably seen Andy rush out of the locker room and seek solace in the lounge, before Sam followed out the locker room a minute later.

It wouldn't be the first time she had been witness to it.

Sam nodded in thanks as Noelle shook her head at him. These two just couldn't seem to get it right.

Sam stopped outside the closed door, and took a deep breath before letting his hand find the door handle and open it.

Once inside, he found Andy sitting on the couch, her elbows resting on her knees, her hands pressed together, her head hanging low.

The sudden presence in the room made Andy's head shoot up, she sat back and let her hands rest on her knees before standing up.

Sam closed the door and leaned back against it, there was no way that he was letting her run out of this room.

Andy shifted around nervously, her hand lifting to point to the door, she wanted to leave, but her voice couldn't vocalized the words.

"Hi". Sam suddenly said, for the simple reason that since she had been back, he hadn't said hi or hello or hey... or anything.

The word seemed to stun Andy, her eyebrows frowning as she peered at him.

She shoved her hands into the back pockets of her jeans as she rocked gently back and forth on her feet. She was feeling caged.

"It wasn't what it looked like". Sam said suddenly making her look away, her lips forming a thin line.

"It doesn't matter Sam".

"It does to me".

His sentence drew her attention back to him, a sigh escaping her lips as though she was struggling to breath.

"It's none of my business". She added, this time looking down. She was skittish, making Sam wonder if she really was still Andy.

"It has _everything_ to do with you Andy". Could he really be more honest than that?

Andy sounded like she was suppressing a snort as she gave Sam a hardened glare, much like she had given Marlo in the locker room.

She had learned to suppress emotions from displaying so freely on her face while she had been UC, so Sam was having a hard time getting a read on her. He was only catching a glimpse here and there of what she was allowing him to see.

"We're _friends_, we went to the academy together, and she's having a tough time, so we were just talking".

That made Andy let out a loud sigh. Sam didn't do friends with woman other than Noelle.

When Sam realized what it sounded like he was saying, like there was a silent_ 'with benefits'_ attached on to his words, he tried to add a little more, but Andy's hand slid up in the air to silence him before he could get a word out.

"Sam, you don't need to explain anything".

She motioned towards the door again, really looking uncomfortable by now. She really wanted out of this room.

"Not until I've said what I want to say". Sam said clearing up the fact that he wouldn't let her out until he decided he was going too.

"Please Sam...".

Sam just shook his head.

"We're friends Andy, like you and Epstein and Diaz. She took a bullet for me in our Rookie days. That's it, _all of it"._

His explanation seemed to do little to convince her that she needed to stay long enough to hear him out.

"I'm sorry".

"What?". Sam blurting the word sorry really threw her for a loop.

"For everything".

Andy closed her eyes, willing him to stop. She had made peace with the fact that they were over a long time ago, she really didn't need him to drag up the past and set her back to square one when she already found it so hard to be back here, with him around.

"Sam... I don't want to do this". Andy was shaking her head, enforcing her answer.

"Please just hear me out?".

"No. I get it okay. You're sorry, I'm sorry. It's done, over, so just let it go?".

Andy had moved her arm's to wrap around herself, a sign that Sam took as her defenses breaking down. But she was taking it the wrong way, because she was overthinking it.

She thought that he was about to give her the speech that went _"Glad you're back, let's be friends and civil because we have to work together". _

"You _don't_ get it Andy, it's _not_ done and it's _not_ over". His voice was a little harsher than he intended it to be, Andy jumping slightly.

"Sorry I didn't mean..."

Mean what?

To scare you?

To yell at you?

She was just so frustrating.

"Sam, I'm late for parade,_ please_ let me out".

She was pleading for her freedom, so Sam stepped away from the door and yanked it open, leaving a clear path for her to use in escape.

Sam's gaze followed her as she moved down the hall, until Marlo stepped out at the other end. Andy froze for a split second before her legs moved and she made a beeline straight for the front door.

She was about to bolt right out the front door, and Sam knew that if he let her do that, she wasn't ever coming back.

Noelle stopped to talk to Marlo and noticed Sam's worn features as he watched Andy. He would never make it on time to stop her, so he gave up trying.

"Hey McNally". Noelle yelled across the bullpen, Andy stopping momentarily as she looked for Noelle when she heard her name called.

Sam took off towards Andy, weaving between tables and bodies as they cleared out of the way, they automatically sensed that he was going after Andy.

When Andy stopped she spun around to find Noelle standing next to the woman from the locker room, so she turned back to where she was going, flashing an apologetic smile before taking a single step forwards and colliding with someone.

Warm hands wrapped around her arm's to stop her from stumbling, a gargled "Sorry" said from her lips until she saw who was holding on to her.

Andy scowled at Sam and wriggled to break free, but his grip tightened a little so that she was held in place.

There was no way that he was letting her go.

Andy's hands found themselves flat against Sam's chest as she tried to push him away, but he pulled her a little closer, a loud gasp escaping her, but only loud enough for him to hear.

"Don't run". Sam managed to get out.

She was still straining to get free, and Sam was worried that she would hurt herself, her frame having become a lot thinner than the last time he put his hands on her.

_"Stop_". Sam growled out, his hands tightening a little more unwillingly.

But she wouldn't, she didn't stop, she kept fighting against him.

So he did the only thing he could think of to get her attention, and get her to hold still.

The absolute one last thing he had ever expected to do, but the same one thing he had been waiting six months to do.

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**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	21. Decipher your Mask

**As always, you all get a big thank-you!**

**Don't forget to check out Kelly2727!**

**A/N: Had my 1st Twitter party, it was totally awesome! **

**Just to clear up: Chapters 1-19- Sam was dreaming. Andy is UC, and Sam's nightmares were made up of events from his real life, his mind twisting the real events into what his dreams were made up of. **

**He woke up thinking about her shoes, & it will be mentioned later. **

**Chapter 21- Decipher Your Mask. **

He kissed her.

He just pulled her face closer and set his lips gently to hers, right there, in the middle of the bullpen.

Andy froze. Again.

She had no idea why he was doing this, none of it made any sense.

But he had her absolute undivided attention.

Sam felt her tense, but she stopped trying to break free. Although she didn't respond, he was sure that he heard her let out the smallest, softest moan, but he couldn't be sure.

The barn erupted into whistles and cheers, reminding Sam where they were, so he pulled away to find a wide eyed Andy staring up at him.

_"Are you insane?"._ She hissed before pushing him away and bolting out the door and into the parking lot. He had almost expected a slap, he would have deserved one if she did slap him.

"Andy wait".

_"Andy!". _

Sam gave chase, but she didn't stop, she kept a determined stride as she walked wherever she was going.

Sam caught up with her just as she stepped up on to the pavement at the edge of the parking lot, and cut her off before she could take another step.

"What do you want Sam?". She was tired of the push and pull game they seemed to be stuck playing.

_"You"._ Sam answered without thinking, without letting a carefully selected choice of words filter out.

_"What?"_.

"I've only ever wanted you Andy".

"Sam, you broke..."

"I know, it was stupid. I was in a bad place, and I needed some space. I never thought that you'd be gone by the time I was ready to talk to you".

"I spent six weeks trying to talk to you, but you kept pushing me away. You wouldn't let me in".

"I know, and I'm sorry".

They were standing on the curb of the pavement, yelling at each other. Something neither of them had probably ever imagined themselves doing.

"I didn't leave because of you Sam, I left for me. For my career, you weren't even a factor in my life then".

"Did you know you were leaving when I tried to talk to you?" Sam's tone dropped to a soft hum.

Andy looked around when he asked that, because she was guilty. She had known.

"Yes". She couldn't lie anyway, he would be able to tell.

"And before that?".

Andy closed her eyes, her jaw set tightly and her lips formed a straight line. But she didn't answer.

_"Andy, did you know before that?". _

"Sam, it's not important when I knew, it doesn't matter".

"It does, it matters to me. Did you know when you were holding on to the grenade?". His voice sounded so weak and frail, Andy thought it might snap.

"Why do you need to know that so badly? _Why is it so important?"_.

"So I can decipher the look you had on your face, the same one you're wearing now. Because I'm trying to figure out what I'm doing Andy, because I have no idea".

"Talk to me Andy".

She just stood mutely and watched Sam. She had so many things to say, but yet nothing at the same time.

"No okay, I didn't know then. I only found out back at the barn five minutes before you came looking for me. I had five minutes to decide, and I took it. If it had been five minutes after you had found me, I would have still taken it Sam".

Andy had moved away, her arm's wrapping around herself like she was trying to shield herself from something.

Sam let out a sound that resembled a grunt, Andy's attention focusing on him again after she forced it to sweep up and down the street.

"Whatever". Andy's single word blew out in a huff as she walked back across the parking lot and back into the barn.

Sam watched her walk away, his heart leaving with her just when he though he was about to get it back.

Shift was long, really long.

Sam spent the day going over cold case files trying to find a link between them and three cases that were currently on his desk.

He had moved to the detectives rotation a while after Andy had left, hoping that when she came back she would see it as him trying to get rid of the _'I can't be a cop, and be with you'_ that loomed over their heads.

Some of the stupidest words he had ever used.

She was missing the rest of the day, even though he knew that she was paired with Oliver because they had to be paired with a TO for the first week back on shift after a first UC, he was worried about her.

She was so thin, and so jumpy that he felt like stomping on the universe for taking his Andy away from herself.

Sam saw Oliver come back from patrol, he was carrying Andy's duty belt and stopped outside Sam's window to look apologetically at him.

Sam knew from Oliver's face that she was safe, but whether she was okay or not, that was a whole different story all together.

He assumed that Oliver had dropped her off at home, that she didn't come back because she couldn't face him.

He watched as Oliver walked away, heading to check their guns in and probably grab his stuff and head home.

Home.

His house hadn't felt like a home since the last time she had been there.

When her scent had faded from his pillows, and her last items removed, she had slowly started to disappear, until there was nothing left of her besides one forgotten shirt, and plenty of remembered memories.

It was as though she had only ever been in his house in his mind or in his dreams.

Sam stood staring into the bullpen for who knows how long, until Nash stood next to him and mirrored his stance.

"Penny?". She sounded so far away, even though she was standing right next to him.

Sam shook his head, An...McNally would probably be there to celebrate her first shift back, and after this morning, that was a really bad idea.

McNally, alcohol, a lot of pent up emotions...nope, _really bad idea._

"If you change your mind...". Nash trailed off as he felt the air around him shift as she left him standing there.

He wouldn't be changing his mind.

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	22. Seek Me Out

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**Thanks to Kelly2727 & the regulars!**

**Chapter 22- Seek Me Out. **

True to his words, he didn't change his mind.

He went home, had a long shower and slammed back the whiskeys after finishing the last two beers in the fridge.

He wasn't planning on drinking tonight, he just needed to get some sleep, even though it would probably mean that he would be waking up in the morning with yet another _'McNally Hangover'_.

Not that he minded, it was like she was giving him something, even if she didn't know it.

Andy pushed the door of the Penny open, her eyes flying to one seat in particular as she stepped through the doorway and into the semi-crowded bar.

Traci was already waiting with the rest of their close knit group of friends, drinks in hand, smiles on their faces as they laughed and joked.

Andy sat down on the chair that they had left vacant for her, even though by now they had probably thought that she wasn't coming.

They wanted to meet up after shift, so that was around eight. It was nine-thirty now, and she had just arrived after Traci called her again and promised her that Sam wasn't here.

So she had relented and come down, promising Traci one drink before she would be leaving again.

One drink turned into three, Andy never giving up on seeking out Sam's empty seat at the bar, the one that she secretly hoped that he would suddenly fill in person.

Andy said goodnight, refusing any more offers for drinks, and all offers of a ride home. She wanted to walk, she needed to think.

The cool night air was welcome when she breathed it in. She had spent six months indoors, working stuffy dive bars and crammed clubs, so fresh air was only an illusion back then.

Streets rolled by as she walked through the dimly lit night air, her feet carrying her as her mind and heart waged a war with each other.

Life had been tough while she was UC, all constants in her life had been left behind, the only stability that she had was Nick.

Even though, she had always found herself wishing that it was Sam.

Not that there was anything wrong with Nick, or the fact that he had been there with her, it was just some forbidden wish she had to fix things with Sam. She always wanted to fix things.

When Andy took note of her surroundings, she noticed that she was far from home. Her legs had taken her in a direction other than the one she had planned on going in without her even noticing it.

A block down, she stopped in front of Sam's house, lights still on inside.

She paced up and down the section of pavement in front of his house debating between knocking and leaving.

She finally caved and decided on the knocking, so she hesitantly climbed the stairs and stood in front of the door.

With her hand poised to knock, Andy let out a long breath to steady her nerves before a soft sound drew her attention and her hand fell to her side.

The soft sounds of music drifted from behind the closed door, a sound so heart breaking that she couldn't find it in herself to knock.

She knew that Sam played the guitar, but it was something that she had never seen or heard, like he was embarrassed, or didn't want her to witness it.

Now he was inside, strumming the most vivid tune she had ever heard.

She lingered on his doorstep, just listening, her insides trembling at hearing the anguish in the notes.

There were no accompanying sounds, just the strains of the guitar as it carried through the door.

Andy felt the hot tears prickle in her eyes before she could stop them. Her hand rammed into the pocket of her jacket as it fought the urge to knock and silence the painful music.

Swiping away at the stray tears Andy fled Sam's front porch, her feet carrying her away as she sought an escape from a torrent of emotions that cascaded down around her.

Andy found herself seated on a swing in the park across the street from her condo.

It was probably after midnight, but there was no way that sleep would be easy to come by now.

Her hand held on to the cold chains as her feet pushed her back and forth slightly.

There was a couple sitting on the merry-go-round, a few feet away, the girl Andy recognized from next door. She seemed so happy, so lost in the moment, that Andy wasn't even there.

Memories of times that she felt like that flooded her mind. Each one of them of Sam, never of Luke or anyone before, just always Sam.

The reality set in on Andy like a ball of fire, one that burned her, badly.

Without a second thought, she was off the swing, her feet re-tracing her steps from earlier.

Sam heard the movement outside his door, but paid little attention to it. He was too wrapped up in dealing with everything to really care about much about anything else.

He saw the shadow cast across the window as whoever it was walked away, but not before pausing in what he assumed was them watching his door for signs of life.

His fingers stammered on a note and he completely screwed up the cord, so he gave up and set the guitar down.

It had been a while since he played, a really long while.

He sauntered to the door and yanked it open, to find the front porch bare.

No sign of who it was being left behind.

He closed the door and eyed the whiskey. He'd had two, and they weren't helping.

Sitting alone, wasn't helping.

He wondered if Andy had gone down to the Penny, although she had probably left by now.

He had tried to erase her from his mind, but his heart was failing to find itself capable of sending his brain the memo.

Wondering if it had been her at his door, he abandoned drinking alone and decided to head over to the Penny. At least there, company would be a distraction.

When he arrived, he found himself scanning the room for her, but only finding Epstein, Peck and Collins who looked at him in remorse when they noticed his presence.

Sam had another whiskey, welcoming the burn that invaded his throat as he swallowed. It was a burn that was different to the one that had taken up permanent residence in his chest.

Peck was watching him, her face a little softer than the one she had been wearing in recent months. He put that down to Collins being back and currently seated next to her.

She too had, had a rough time when they figured that Andy and Collins had left them in the lurch.

But she was tough, even though her hard exterior was only for show, and it wasn't the real her. He had come to see another side of her on the many times that they had ended up getting loaded on tequila's while waiting for Andy and Collins to come home.

After the second whiskey at the Penny, Sam glanced over at the rookie table and found it filled with smiles and happy faces.

He wanted to feel that way too.

So he left the Penny, hoping that she would still be awake or at least open the door.

He climbed the stairs taking two at a time, he was in a hurry.

It was a little after midnight, but he didn't care. He couldn't hold on anymore.

He knocked and waited.

Sam knocked a second and third time, but each knock went unanswered.

Either she wasn't home, or she knew it was him and wasn't ready for a repeat performance of this morning.

Either way, it didn't matter.

He felt a new wave of sadness sweep over him at knowing that she was probably hiding from him because she didn't want to see him.

He left her condo with his head hanging, his heart shattered beyond repair.

Sam pulled up at home, a movement of his front porch drawing his attention as he turned into the driveway.

He put the truck in park and turned off the ignition before catching sight of the intruder.

Sam climbed out and closed the door before locking it, the presence moving as he looked up and towards it.

Andy stood up as soon as he was out of the truck, his stride faltering before coming to a complete stop when his gaze met hers as she loitered around on her feet looking like he was feeling.

She had her hands rammed into her pockets and pulled across the front of her as she let her head drop under his intense stare.

Andy had come back and knocked, but Sam never answered the door. The sound of music from earlier had failed to be audible on her return, so she didn't know if he was here or gone.

So she decided to wait it out, even if it meant that she would sit on his front stairs until the sun came up and he needed to leave for shift.

When he finally pulled up, Andy suddenly regretted her choice to even come down here.

But she couldn't run, he had already seen her, in fact he was standing at the other end of the his driveway watching her, his face filled with so many shadows from the streetlight, that she was having trouble keeping up with the masks he was wearing as they changed.

"Andy...".

His voice broke the spell she was lost in as it floated to her ears sounding like it was on the verge of a total breakdown.

Her face tugged at his heartstrings, she was wearing the same one that she had worn the night that he left her standing outside the Penny in the rain, and the same one she had on this morning.

Sam tried to say more than just her name, but nothing came out, there wasn't anything that he could say that could wipe that heartbreaking look off of her face.

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	23. A Moment Like This

**As always, big thank you for all the awesome reviews, favs & follows. **

**Thanks to the regulars & kelly2727!**

**Welcome to the newbies!**

**Chapter 23- A Moment Like This **

Actually seeing her standing there, made it feel like the universe had stopped conspiring against him.

For every second that she had been away, he had wished that there would be a moment like this, that she would just magically appear because he needed her.

And because he wanted her here.

And now that the moment was here, it felt surreal.

His voice carried out, her eyes searching between his as she searched for something.

His eyes shifted in return, searching hers for answers.

But her eyes held questions and not answers.

In one instant she was standing before him, in the next she was moving.

But this time she wasn't running away, she was moving towards him, at high speed. And she didn't stop until she crashed into him, his arms wrapping around her.

Andy was nestled tightly against him, her arm's wrapping around him as she too needed to get closer.

Sam tried to steady his ragged breathing, but with her close proximity it was impossible. Her scent surrounding him before it carried him away, to the brink of ecstasy.

Andy held on too, even though he tried to step back to see her face, she wouldn't relinquish her hold on him, her face buried in his chest. She was trembling lightly, making Sam wonder how long she had been sitting here waiting for him in the cool night air as it turned to morning.

Still she wouldn't back away, even though he was desperate to see her face.

"Andy look at me". He was pleading, he had to see her face to know what she was thinking, what she was feeling.

But she kept her face hidden, her head shaking slightly as she told him that she didn't want him to see her face.

Sam took a step back, tearing himself from her embrace as his hands went to the sides of her head, his palms smothered over her cheeks, his thumbs wiping away the tears that strayed from her eyes.

His hand moved to smother over her hair, it was just like the day that she had been shot at the SuperNova, when he had taken her behind the communications van.

Sam let her go, his hand taking hold of hers before tugging her towards his house. He suddenly remembered that they were still standing in the street, not somewhere he wanted to fight for her.

He unlocked the door, his hand finding the small of her back as she stepped inside. The soft glow from the lamp in the lounge cast a simple illumination over the room, as she stumbled her way inside, Sam watching her as she saw vivid memories of being here before.

Sam watched her teeth sink into her lip as it was wedged between them, something he always found fascinating to watch her do.

He looked away, his eyes settling on the whiskey, but his brain screaming that any more would be a bad thing, so he trotted into the kitchen and set out to make coffee instead.

When he came back he found Andy staring out into space, she had totally zoned out, until he called her name and held out the coffee.

She smiled politely as she took the cup, a sad smile ghosting over Sam's lips as he watched her pull back into her shell as she began to withdraw.

But he didn't say anything, just watched as she let her emotions play out on her face.

"Say it". She whispered, making eye contact with him again. "Whatever you want to say, just say it".

"Andy...". Why was this still so hard? Why couldn't he just open up and let it all out?

Andy set her coffee mug down on a table before facing Sam.

"Sam, just say one thing, whatever you need to say, whatever you want to say, just say it".

Andy was giving him an in, giving him the opportunity to say something while she willingly listened instead of shutting him out.

A million things crossed his mind.

He wanted to tell her how he wanted her a thousand ways each and every day, forever. He wanted to tell her how proud he was of her for taking the UC and doing such a good job- for coming home alive. He wanted to say sorry, and tell her how he had missed her, how he craved to hear her laugh, and see her smile.

Sam needed to say that he had missed her being the last thing he saw when he closed his eyes to surrender to sleep, and how he couldn't wait to wake up in the morning because she would be the first thing he would see.

There were endless thoughts on the end of his tongue, but only one seemed appropriate. Only one would sum up everything, explain everything.

"I love you... I've always been afraid of losing the people I love, but sometimes I wonder,... is there anyone afraid of losing me?"

Posing a question at the end was ingenious. He got to say what he needed to, and in return found a way of asking her if she felt the same, or if she felt anything at all.

Andy's eyes stretched a little wider at his carefully thought words, his undeniable question hanging in the space between them as he waited for an answer.

That was the thing about her, she made him wait because he wanted too. He had already spent more than half the time that they had know each other waiting, and if it took the rest of his life, he would wait... Willingly.

She was still peering at him with the doe eyes that had him hooked from the very first time he had looked into them, her face softening as her lips arched into a slight grin.

Time stood still, existence beyond this room simply fading away.

"Me Sam. It's always been me".

Andy looked away as soon as she was done saying the words, her face heated in a blush that was visible, even across the darkened room.

Sam set his own coffee cup down before his hand obliterated it into broken pieces, Andy standing much closer when he looked back up.

"I. I can't say it back now, but it's still there".

That Sam never expected.

She had always worn her heart on her sleeve for the world to see, and after what he had done, he was prepared to start back at square one and make her fall in love with him all over again, if she would give him the chance too. He didn't expect it still to be there, although he had hoped that there would be something, that she would feel something.

And hearing her say that it was still there, it was the best thing since the invention of mankind. Okay, the second best thing, hearing her say the actual words had been the best thing.

Sam couldn't help the smile that filtered over his lips, even if it wasn't exactly the best time to smile.

Andy looked nervous, like she was ready to combust.

"So what happens now?". Andy managed to say something again, her voice sounding hopeful.

"Where do we go from here?"

"Wherever you want to go". Was Sam's simple answer.

Andy was standing in front of Sam, her smile widening at such a simple sentence.

"Did you mean what you said, you know... The night I left? That you want to work it out?".

Sam sensed her reservations, he had stated how he felt, but hadn't really said where he wanted to go from here.

His mind thought over words while his hand reached out to tuck her bangs out of her eyes.

"Remember... Remember when I said 'If we do this, there's no going back'?"

Andy nodded and blushed simultaneously, how could she ever forget that moment?

"I meant it. From that moment on, I've never wanted to go back, never wanted anything other than what we had".

He hoped that she heard the sincerity in his voice, the feeling behind each word.

"But... I need to know from you where you want to go?".

Sam was all for putting himself out there, and even though she had said that 'It' was still there, it didn't mean that she was about to give him a chance to fix this.

"Um...Now?"

Nervous Andy made her appearance again, just when assertive Andy seemed to be taking over.

Sam was on the edge of his seat, he would give anything to get an answer now, but knew it was expecting too much.

"Sleep on it".

Sam could see that she was getting tired, her eyes drooping in their telltale way.

She threw a skew smile his way before nodding. She really was tired.

"I'm gonna take you home and you're going to sleep. We've got plenty of time to talk".

Even though she was glad to be home, the word just sounded so empty.

"Can I say something?".

Sam nodded, confused to why she would actually ask permission to say something, when she had just come out with it before.

"I don't need to sleep on it, I know what I want, but you need too...sleep on it".

"Why would I need too? I know what I want". Sam's tone was a little tense.

"No Sam, you need to think about this. But first I need to say sorry. Sorry for running out on you, more than once. Sorry for pushing you. And pushing you away.

When I came home I was scared to face you, because I didn't know what I was going to be facing, who you were. My whole life I've been afraid of everyone close to me walking out the door at some point, but this time...this time it was me. I walked away.

How stupid was that? I did the one thing that I swore I would never do, to the only person that had ever really made me happy.

And I'm so, so sorry I did that, but I was scared. When you said those words, I was scared, I've never been more scared. It wasn't because we were in a room with a live grenade, it was because you felt the same. You loved me back you know?".

Andy's voice couldn't carry out anymore, so it faded away into muted silence, she had said what she wanted to say.

"Andy, we all get scared. I've been scared since I met you. And I haven't changed, I'm still me, and I still feel the same way about you".

"I don't want to make the same mistakes Sam, I couldn't do this all over again..."

"Andy, don't doom it before its even started. We both made mistakes, and I know I need to let you in and talk more. But so do you, you need to start by letting it go. You need to let me in. You need to talk to me more".

"I know, but what if I screw this up again, what if..."

Sam raised a finger to stop her right there. He wasn't going to let the what if's stop this from even getting started.

"What if, we try. What if we both make this work? What if we start over? Would you do that? Would you give us a chance, and look past the bad history?".

Andy nodded as soon as Sam's lips stopped moving. It wasn't something she even needed to think about.

Sam took Andy home after that, so that she could get some sleep. When he got home, he wondered if his dreams would turn to nightmares or if they would have a happy ending this time, when he closed his eyes.

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**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	24. Yes

**As always, thanks for the awesome reviews, and the incredible ride along!**

**Thanks to the regulars & kelly2727!**

**Chapter 24- Yes**

Over the next few weeks Sam and Andy settled into a routine, they seemed to both be able to let go of their hindering pasts and move on.

They were doing the whole dating ritual, Sam taking Andy out to dinner and Andy packing Sam lunch for work.

The air around them had cleared, less tension and more talking.

Wednesday night Andy came over for dinner, Sam attempting to crawl deeper into her heart through her stomach. After dinner, they watched a movie, Andy's head resting on Sam's leg while his hand brushed over her hair.

"You busy this weekend?". Sam said halfway through the movie, Andy turning to face him.

"You know I'm not".

They always made plans together, it wasn't what one wanted to do, but rather what they both wanted to do.

"So you're free to be tortured?". Sam asked, waving his eyebrows up and down for good measure.

"Depends...". Andy loved Sam's playful side, but sometimes she wasn't sure if he was teasing or serious.

"Um, maybe it's time I took you home, you know, to meet Sarah?".

Andy froze.

Sam had said that he would introduce her to his family when he wanted to torture her, and up until now- she hadn't met anyone.

"Seriously?".

Sam loved days like this, days where he was the one that put that smile on her face.

"Yuuuup". He drew the word out, his face the splitting image of hers, he really thought that it was time.

"Okay".

Andy turned her attention back to the TV, her thoughts whirling around the fact that they had just agreed to do something that she never thought they would.

"So...you know we grew up in the system right?".

Sam hadn't actually told her that before, although from subtle hints he had made in the past, she had guessed.

Andy turned her head back to face him, moving to sit up, but Sam wouldn't let her go so she stayed put.

"I suspected".

She hated seeing him with that look on his face- the one she had only seen a few times. It was when he thought back over something that made him sad.

"It was hard, we were so young. We were together at first, but then they had to split us up. Sarah tracked me down on her eighteenth birthday, she stood outside the Child Protection Services office from six am waiting for someone to come to work.

She fought so hard to get a good start to life, and then she came for me. She told them that no matter what, she was taking me, and she did. She petitioned the courts and they handed me over a couple weeks later.

She worked two jobs to keep us going, made me do well at school and put me through college. She never went. She gave up so much to make sure I had what she never had the chance to have".

Wow.

Andy understood why Sam held Sarah in the highest regard, why he always got this certain look on his face when he spoke of her.

"She didn't want me to become a cop. She uh, she said she would never forgive me if I did, but I told her that I was going too, because it was what I wanted to do.

We didn't talk for three years, from the day I left for the academy, up until my dad died.

She came down here to tell me, just walked into the barn and gave me one look and I knew. He died in Maplehurst, I hadn't seen him since I was eight, the day after my moms funeral.

After that we talked more, grew closer. But she was different. She never quite forgave me for wearing the uniform. It's like she saw it as a huge disappointment".

"Sam, she could never be disappointed in you. She's probably just scared. You're all she has left".

Andy felt her heart break for Sam, he'd lived a hard life, but it defined who he was. He became one of the fighters, didn't give up and didn't give in to letting his life become a life with no meaning.

"I know, but she still doesn't see it that way".

"She will, one day".

"You haven't met Sarah yet".

Sam dealt with a new range of nervousness, all the way up until saturday morning when they arrived on Sarah's doorstep.

Andy was nervous too, but she was running on adrenaline and sheer pleasure that they were finally doing this, that they had finally reached this point.

The entire drive to St Catherines consisted of Andy telling Sam to relax, instead of the other way around. Something she found slightly amusing.

When Sarah opened the door, she was exactly what Andy had pictured. Even her house was what Andy had pictured.

Sarah gave Sam a small peck on the cheek, Sam leaving reams of space between them. Andy figured that she didn't like to be touched, so she held her hand up in a small wave when Sam introduced them.

Sarah was giving her the eye, the Swarek stare down. It unnerved Andy immensely.

Sam took hold of Andy's hand and led her through Sarah's house all the way upstairs and into the guest bedroom.

They left work straight after shift, so he set their bags down and told her to have a shower while he caught up with Sarah.

Sam gave her a soft kiss against her hair before leaving her alone.

He found Sarah rustling breakfast up in the kitchen, her whole demeanor fierce.

"So that's her?". Sarah said looking him in the eye, Sam had told her about Andy, but only the bare minimum.

"Yup".

"She's kinda young don't you think?".

Sarah spun away, her hand all but slamming the pan down on the stove top.

"Sarah, what is your problem? I finally bring her home and you won't even give her a chance?".

"Sammy, she's a cop too right? What's going to happen when something goes wrong? I see the way you look at her, she's the one you're never gonna let go isn't she?".

Sam stared at Sarah. She had seen Andy for five minutes, and pretty much didn't like her.

"Yeah Sar, she is".

His answer earned a grunt in return, some illegible words slipping out under her breath.

"Is she worth it?".

"What?".

"I said is..."

"I know what you said".

This was going to hell in a hand basket and Sam had no idea why. Sarah had never been this cold towards anyone, much less him too.

"Sarah, just stop". Sam spoke stepping up to her so that she would see him coming.

"I have no idea why this is so hard for you, but if you're not happy with us here we'll..."

"No. It's just... You know dad was in Maplehurst right?".

Sam nodded, of course he knew.

"You know why?".

"Armed robbery?".

"Sam, dad committed murder too. He shot and killed a cop, and I just have no idea which side of the bullet you're going to end up on. And now her".

His sisters words slammed roughly through him, the tiny fact that his dad had killed a cop was not something that he was ever told.

"Why didn't you tell me?". Sam's tone softened, full understanding dawning on him after years of misery.

His father was a cop killer- he turned out to be a cop. But he wasn't anything like his father.

"I didn't want you to remember him like that".

Sarah's voice was twinged with remorse, she had carried a burden alone for most of their lives and now she was finally setting it free.

"Sar, I'm nothing like dad. I don't even remember him".

Years of pinned emotions seemed to free themselves over her face as Sam stood watching her. His heart was breaking for both their lives, up until this point, she had tried to be strong enough for both of them.

"But what does she have to do with it?". Sam still couldn't fit all the pieces together, Sarah would have to help.

"Sammy, you're different with her. When you told me it was over between you two, I heard what you weren't saying. But now she's here and I can see you love her, and even if it's wrong of me to say, but it scares me because of the road ahead. Think about it, you both do the worst jobs on the planet, think about kids and something...what?".

Sam tried to school his emotions as he looked away, but if there was anyone that could read him besides Andy and Oliver, it would be Sarah.

"Wait, you've thought about it haven't you? Sam!".

"Sarah, I've even been dreaming about it".

That made Sarah smile. For the first time, Sam was really happy and she couldn't take that away. Not when he so rightfully deserved it.

"You asked me earlier if she was worth it? She's the one I took detective rotation for, and she's the one I stopped doing Uc's for, and she's the one I told that I love her, so please, just I dunno. Like her?".

It wasn't long before Andy came downstairs freshly showered. She still seemed nervous, but started to relax when she noticed the change between Sam and Sarah.

The day was spent in idle conversation, Sarah trying to bridge the gap that she enforced between Andy and herself the second she opened the door, but Sam never left them alone for long.

Night fell and Sam helped Sarah make dinner. It wasn't soon after that, that she excused herself and went to bed, leaving Sam and Andy watching TV in the lounge.

"Can we maybe talk?". Sam said picking up Andy's hand and holding it tightly.

Andy nodded, her lip nudged between her teeth.

"Thank you, for doing this. It was really hard on Sarah, but she'll get there. Her husband died a few years ago from cancer and they never had kids, so you were right when you said I'm all she's got left. And now you".

Andy flushed at his words, but they really meant a lot.

"Can I ask you something?".

Andy nodded again and waited for Sam to continue.

"Would you wear silver shoes if we got married?".

Andy choked when she heard him ask that, it was something she had never expected to hear him say.

"What?". Finally her voice was steady enough to use.

"Just answer the question McNally".

Sam looked serious, like TO serious.

"I don't know. I haven't really thought about it".

"What the shoes or getting married?".

"Shoes? I don't know Sam".

Sam watched her carefully, she wasn't getting ready to run, or slamming walls up. She was relaxed.

"So you have thought about us getting married?".

The pink tint to her cheeks gave him the answer he needed, she didn't need to say them.

"Why silver shoes?". That just puzzled her.

He hadn't told her about his dreams, and figured it was probably time too.

"When you left, I kept dreaming of you".

That made Andy's smile flare as she flashed it at him.

"But the day you came back, I had a nightmare. I was a Hill and you were attacked. Your dad was killed and I... I couldn't feel anything. I had a daughter, and you were marrying Callaghan. But you didn't. I sort of agreed to walk you down the isle, but on your wedding day I backed out, I told you I loved you and just left you there.

I came here, and hours later you showed up and all I remember were your feet, with these silver shoes. I've never even seen shoes like that".

Andy let out a monstrous giggle, her hand flying up to cover her mouth in a bid to be a little quieter.

This was seriously the funniest conversation they had ever had.

"Something funny?". Sam asked his voice riddled with a smile.

"Silver shoes? You were dreaming that I was wearing silver shoes and like nothing else? What's not funny about that? I'm sorry". Andy let out another giggle before it was suddenly cut off, her eyes giving away that she remembered something.

"Something wrong?". Sam saw the hesitation cross her face as she let her thought roll around in her mind.

"What was she like?".

Sam knew who Andy was referring too, the girl in his dreams that carried the title of daughter.

"She had a wide smile, and long dark hair, dark eyes. She was always smiling and laughing, just like her mother".

Andy arched an eyebrow up at Sam's answer. He really seemed to be able to still picture her when describing her.

"Oh yeah, and who was that?".

Sam knew she'd ask, but it was something he was actually counting on.

"You".

Even though in his dream, Micayla had a mother, she looked too much like Andy, not to be hers, except she had these really dark eyes, more like his than Andy's.

Andy blushed furiously, but she wasn't freaking out like he actually expected her too.

The mention of her being a mother somehow seemed to make her eyes sparkle, her smile widen even though he knew that, that was something she had serious reservations about.

"Yeah?".

"Yup".

Andy scooted over and put her head down in Sam's lap as she let the conversation go.

She wasn't about to ruin the moment.

Sam had vivid images of a tiny Andy looking at him with the same doe shaped eyes Andy had, but darker in color, and it was like his heart melted.

"I couldn't feel anything in my dream. No emotion, no sense of touch. It was like I was numb, or dead inside. When I woke up, you were the first thing I thought of.

When I saw you standing there, I froze. Actually seeing you back was like an hallucination, it felt so surreal, but I couldn't move".

Andy heard the agony in his voice, he really regretted the first few times they had been anywhere close enough to talk, when she came back.

"Sam, I get it. It was like everytime I opened my mouth everything other that what I wanted to come out, came out".

Sam knew the feeling, it was how he felt too.

"And if there was something you could have said instead of what came out, what would it have been?".

Andy blushed furiously, her lip still tucked neatly between her teeth. But Sam could still see her lips edging up in a smile.

"I would have said sorry, and that my biggest sin was not telling you that I still love you". Andy's face washed over with serious emotion, Sam blinking rapidly at hearing her words. It was like he was expecting to close his eyes to blink, and open them again and she would be gone.

"You mean that?".

Andy nodded, but didn't look away. She also didn't refer to her loving him as loved, as in past tense, so that meant that she still felt it.

"Can we go buy you some silver shoes tomorrow?". Sam suddenly blurted, Andy letting out the lightest giggle he had ever heard her let loose.

"I really meant that".

Andy stopped laughing, like his words sank in and she found them serious now.

Looking up at him, her head still in his lap, Andy gave the widest grin Sam had ever seen her flash for any reason.

"Seriously?".

"Yup, might get you something else too"

"But if I said I didn't need anything else?"

Was she missing the whole point of this conversation?

Sam was testing the waters for the next step in their relationship, he was actually planning on asking her to move in, if it didn't scare her too much, but he sort of just leaped right over that option.

Not that he was complaining, she didn't seem too freaked out by where the conversation was leading, so he went with it.

When she had said his favorite words, he knew that she was ready. That she wasn't going to run, or freak, or get scared.

Given, it wasn't how he ever imagined doing this, but it was something he thought about doing.

"I'll trade you then?". Sam finally managed to respond to her not wanting to get a ring.

"What could you possibly have that I would want to trade you?".

"I'll trade you nametags, McNally for Swarek".

Andy's eyes widened and her mouth dropped open. Sam wasn't sure that they were on the same page anymore.

"You...just...". She was rendered speechless, unable to actually say a word. And it was just the most beautiful sight.

If she hadn't been clued in, she was now.

"Yup, so... Here's your options, just say yes?".

Great options that was, when there was only one.

Andy bolted upright and spun around to face Sam. She looked a little lost, but not out of her comfort zone.

But she wasn't smiling either.

"Did you just...".

Her words sounded kind of choked out, but they flowed out calmly and softly.

Sam nodded, he really couldn't say more than that. Saying the normal words just didn't feel right. It wasn't them.

"Like as in...".

Aaarrggg did she really want the words?

"Yes Andy. I just said I want to buy you silver shoes, and change your nametag to Swarek. So in case we're not on the same page, can we get married?".

That didn't come out quite like he planned, so he added a little more: "I love you, so I just need you to say yes".

Andy still looked like she had her breath knocked out of her, her eyes glassy and shimmering, a sudden pale pink hue creeping from her neck all the way up to her cheeks and nose, and even her ears.

Sam waited for a while, with his own breath caught in his throat.

Andy looked like she was trying to make up her mind, should she say yes, should she say no, was she ready to do this?

Her eyes were searching Sam's, and he had no idea what for, but they were shifting between his so fast that he thought she would get dizzy.

But he waited.

He'd been waiting for this for as long as he could remember.

"As in forever?". Andy finally managed to croak out.

Sam realized what she was doing; she too was waiting.

The first time he had ever said really important words to her, he had covered it up, and now she was waiting for him to do it again.

"Andy, I'm not kidding, and I'm not going to cover it up with a moronic something. I want this, and it just felt right to do it now.

If you're not ready, then I'll wait. But I'm not changing my mind, and I'm not taking it back".

Sam saw a splurge of emotions cross her face as she realized that this was it. This was really him asking her to get married.

No him covering it up this time.

"I...I...m what if I screw this up?". Andy suddenly blurted out, Sam frowning at her.

"Andy, you need to say yes first, and I promise you that I'm scared of screwing it up too. But we won't know unless we try".

That was the only baggage that came with taking this step; the potential to screw it up and end up getting a divorce somewhere down the line.

"But I can promise, I will never hurt you again like I did, and I will never break your heart. I will never let you go again, even if you screw it up". And he meant it, nothing she could ever do would change the way he felt about her because he knew that the things that could destroy him were things she didn't have in her to do.

"Can you promise me that?".

"I promise".

Andy took all of three seconds after that before lunging at Sam.

Somewhere between peppered kisses he heard a yes, his heart finally feeling like he knew it was supposed to- loved.

**The End**

*******okay, so let me know what you think in another one of those awesome thoughts you leave by using the little box underneath here - .****͡▹**

**Have an awesome day!**

**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


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